We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Richard_the_ Dogged
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06 Jul 2018, 4:40 pm

Say we are 1% of the population, but that is a huge number of people. And there don't have to be any strict standards ( not like MENSA ), basically anyone who wants to affiliate can.

Things are only a problem when people are in herd think mode, like they are usually in schools, work places, churches, and families. Outside of those venues there is no problem.

But I don't think any of us should ever be begging for pity. The well read Autism / Aspergers advocates are bascially doing that. "Sorry I have a neurological difference, otherwise I would be better able to measure up to your standards. In the mean time I'm having my head zapped with a trans-cranial magnet, to try and make myself more normal."

None of us, and no one, should ever have to live like that.

Rather, we should be developing and applying our special abilities, and building organizations which help us do that.



Fnord
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06 Jul 2018, 4:50 pm

rick42 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
... Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.
It does not get impossible, though.
Technically speaking no,however it's close impossible for people on the spectrum to have friends the older we get to due non stop rejection and isolation. The few Aspies that have any friends past 20 years old are very lucky.
[Citation needed]



HistoryGal
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06 Jul 2018, 4:57 pm

Nobody here is looking for pity....just treat us like people for Pete's sake.....



ladyelaine
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06 Jul 2018, 5:04 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
Nobody here is looking for pity....just treat us like people for Pete's sake.....


Exactly. We are people too and we want to be treated as such.



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06 Jul 2018, 5:19 pm

I had a friend one time. He loved the essays that he forced me to write for him so that he could graduate. He had the biggest smile in the world. I'll never forget how big his smile was when he accidentally threw me down a flight of stairs. He tried to apologize but it's hard to talk when you're laughing that hard. I miss my friend. I wish the evil men in the uniforms had never come and taken him away from me.



Richard_the_ Dogged
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06 Jul 2018, 5:21 pm

"Please treat me like people for Pete's sake" = Seeking Pity

"Treat me like people or you will suffer the same consequences as the last person who didn't' = Standing Up For Oneself and Others. And this is the only reason that any group ever gets treated decently.

People listened to Jesus because behind him were the Zealots, and they were always armed and ready to strike.

People listened to Gandhi because behind him were the Sikhs, and they could have sent the last of the remains of the British floating down the rivers within 48 hours.

People respect Native Americans because they took scalps.

People will listen to and respect those who are different, when they stop accepting disability labels, and instead start suing in courts and otherwise holding perpetrators accountable.

The most difficult realms will always be employment and intimate relationships, because there are no rules. But once we organize and stand up for ourselves, we will be respected there too.



rick42
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06 Jul 2018, 6:21 pm

Fnord wrote:
rick42 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
... Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.
It does not get impossible, though.
Technically speaking no,however it's close impossible for people on the spectrum to have friends the older we get to due non stop rejection and isolation. The few Aspies that have any friends past 20 years old are very lucky.
[Citation needed]


You are not facing reality.Out of anyone that has a disability,We have the lowest chances of ever having a friendship due to our social awareness,rejection,forced isolation, being misunderstood,and being unable to find other Aspies near our area being that we are just 1% of the population.Lets be honest,as social expectations get higher,it becomes harder to make friends if you are on the AS/ASD Spectrum and even becomes almsot impossible for a adult on the AS/ASD spectrum to have friends.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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06 Jul 2018, 7:04 pm

Making friends has always been something that I'm terrible at. The only reason I had any friends in school is because a couple of other somewhat awkward girls approached me and sort of made friends with me without me noticing how they did it, otherwise I likely would have had no friends at all.

Despite my struggles to make friends (which I still really suck at) I don't think it's fair to say we should stop trying to make friends with people, just because it's more difficult for us. I don't think giving up is the best way to deal with most challenges. I may meet fewer people that I am able to form friendships with, fewer compatible people. But in some ways that makes the connections I do manage to make that much more special, because they are rare. At least that's how I've come to see it as I've gotten older. It can make you appreciative of what you do have, even if you don't have all that much.

Gratitude and optimism are things you kind of have to train your brain towards, you have to cultivate them mindfully like a garden. Consequently, these are attributes that can draw the right sort of people to you. You can cultivate attributes that make you a better friend, so that when you do meet those rare special people that you can connect with you have something to offer.



jrjones9933
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06 Jul 2018, 7:10 pm

Fnord wrote:
I will continue to make and have friends. While it may be more difficult for me than for an NT, that does not mean that I 'should' give up and become a recluse, especially on the say-so of a stranger who can't get a date.

Exactly.

Also,
ladyelaine wrote:
Guys just want to hook up with as many people as possible and I don't do hook ups.

That's sexist af.


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jrjones9933
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06 Jul 2018, 7:18 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
"Please treat me like people for Pete's sake" = Seeking Pity

"Treat me like people or you will suffer the same consequences as the last person who didn't' = Standing Up For Oneself and Others. And this is the only reason that any group ever gets treated decently.

People listened to Jesus because behind him were the Zealots, and they were always armed and ready to strike.

People listened to Gandhi because behind him were the Sikhs, and they could have sent the last of the remains of the British floating down the rivers within 48 hours.

People respect Native Americans because they took scalps.

People will listen to and respect those who are different, when they stop accepting disability labels, and instead start suing in courts and otherwise holding perpetrators accountable.

The most difficult realms will always be employment and intimate relationships, because there are no rules. But once we organize and stand up for ourselves, we will be respected there too.

You found a useful tool, and like someone with a new hammer everything looks to you like a nail. I don't see this strategy working well for seeking relationships.

A social equivalent might consist of feeling perfectly happy to ignore everyone else while doing something compelling (maybe, but not necessarily dramatic or spectacular). If someone wants to catch your attention, which they will, you'll then need to treat them graciously, but with the implicit(!) understanding that your acceptance of their approval has no bearing on you doing the compelling activity in the first place. This will only work if you fully commit to enjoying yourself even if everyone continues to ignore you.

Social violence and status-seeking seem like ends in themselves to me, and I want no part. I just need the attention of a few perceptive people, preferably people with a few tricks of their own.


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HistoryGal
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06 Jul 2018, 9:06 pm

Elaine isn't sexist. She just sees the s**t for what it is.



jrjones9933
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06 Jul 2018, 9:47 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
Elaine isn't sexist. She just sees the s**t for what it is.

I don't intend to judge whether Elaine is sexist. However, she wrote a sexist comment.


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ladyelaine
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07 Jul 2018, 10:15 am

Excuse the hell out of me for disgusted with the hook up culture. It is nasty when both men and women participate in the hook up culture.



HistoryGal
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07 Jul 2018, 10:22 am

It's not meant to be sexist. She probably could have added that women helped bring on the hookup culture by being looser sexually.

People just be sexin without knowing much about one another. Pathetic.



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07 Jul 2018, 11:26 am

@Richard_the_ Dogged: You are conflating/confusing "Respect" with "Fear".

:roll:



jrjones9933
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07 Jul 2018, 2:06 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
Excuse the hell out of me for disgusted with the hook up culture. It is nasty when both men and women participate in the hook up culture.

Disgust does motivate people.


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