30 Apr 2019, 10:57 am
01 May 2019, 8:24 am
I want to suggest that living independently for disabled persons in the UK is possible and you might want to begin exploring how to make that happen. I know of several autistic people there who have apartments and get a small stipend, support worker visits, and so on. This may or may not be the best option for you, but at least be aware that it's an option.
You asked elsewhere how old I was. I'm 64. I've never made any secret of my exact age and think it's kind of stupid when people play coy about it.
Gotta run, breakfast is ready. 
01 May 2019, 11:39 am
TUF wrote:
Seriously. This is why I was worried about being on WP. If she knew, she'd ban it.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
You have every right to be mad at your mom and your stepdad and it does sound like being assertive is the best way to go. I recently learned that one of the best tactics is to wait for and not call someone out on the spot when they talk down to you. That's mainly so that an argument doesn't break down.
Rather, invite both of them to sit with you and maybe at dinner or lunch.
"Mom and dad, I know that you are looking out for my best interest and I appreciate that. Sometimes, I feel like you often focus too much on the fact that I am autistic and the things that go along with it. At the moment, I feel that you are babysitting me and seem to act as if I am completely helpless which makes me feel uncomfortable. Now there were times in the past where you were more trusting of me as a teenager and even allowed me more freedon."
If they get mad at you, and just want to talk over you, you make want to use their names like you are there parent.
"Dad, Dad, Dad, you are right but I would like to make some new friends."
Dan82
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: 25 Apr 2019
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 185
Location: St. Paul Suburbs, Minnesota
02 May 2019, 12:24 am
Summer_Twilight wrote:
TUF wrote:
Seriously. This is why I was worried about being on WP. If she knew, she'd ban it.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
You have every right to be mad at your mom and your stepdad and it does sound like being assertive is the best way to go. I recently learned that one of the best tactics is to wait for and not call someone out on the spot when they talk down to you. That's mainly so that an argument doesn't break down.
Rather, invite both of them to sit with you and maybe at dinner or lunch.
"Mom and dad, I know that you are looking out for my best interest and I appreciate that. Sometimes, I feel like you often focus too much on the fact that I am autistic and the things that go along with it. At the moment, I feel that you are babysitting me and seem to act as if I am completely helpless which makes me feel uncomfortable. Now there were times in the past where you were more trusting of me as a teenager and even allowed me more freedon."
If they get mad at you, and just want to talk over you, you make want to use their names like you are there parent.
"Dad, Dad, Dad, you are right but I would like to make some new friends."
I'm probably going to sound like a big jerk, but I disagree, at least somewhat. If you're on any kind of support or assistance, especially where people can't immediately tell that you need it, especially for mental health, part of the dynamic is that you kind of take a back seat in social affairs. If you need it, you kind of have to or you wouldn't need it (or at least that's the idea), and if you don't need it, you've cost yourself some freedom in exchange for otherwise free money or whatever. It's how people make sure people don't take assistance they don't need--you wouldn't cost yourself that status if you didn't have to.
I do think it sounds like TUF's parents are going a little overboard, though.
I think the compromise to try to make is to think of things you're willing to do that make them feel in charge sometimes. Don't try too hard to just do your own thing outside of, like, advocating for disability rights, because that's not a fight you can win on your own.
02 May 2019, 12:39 pm
Dan82 wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
TUF wrote:
Seriously. This is why I was worried about being on WP. If she knew, she'd ban it.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.
It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.
True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.
But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.
Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.
Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!
The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.
As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.
Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.
You have every right to be mad at your mom and your stepdad and it does sound like being assertive is the best way to go. I recently learned that one of the best tactics is to wait for and not call someone out on the spot when they talk down to you. That's mainly so that an argument doesn't break down.
Rather, invite both of them to sit with you and maybe at dinner or lunch.
"Mom and dad, I know that you are looking out for my best interest and I appreciate that. Sometimes, I feel like you often focus too much on the fact that I am autistic and the things that go along with it. At the moment, I feel that you are babysitting me and seem to act as if I am completely helpless which makes me feel uncomfortable. Now there were times in the past where you were more trusting of me as a teenager and even allowed me more freedon."
If they get mad at you, and just want to talk over you, you make want to use their names like you are there parent.
"Dad, Dad, Dad, you are right but I would like to make some new friends."
I'm probably going to sound like a big jerk, but I disagree, at least somewhat. If you're on any kind of support or assistance, especially where people can't immediately tell that you need it, especially for mental health, part of the dynamic is that you kind of take a back seat in social affairs. If you need it, you kind of have to or you wouldn't need it (or at least that's the idea), and if you don't need it, you've cost yourself some freedom in exchange for otherwise free money or whatever. It's how people make sure people don't take assistance they don't need--you wouldn't cost yourself that status if you didn't have to.
I do think it sounds like TUF's parents are going a little overboard, though.
I think the compromise to try to make is to think of things you're willing to do that make them feel in charge sometimes. Don't try too hard to just do your own thing outside of, like, advocating for disability rights, because that's not a fight you can win on your own.
Dan82, We can agree to disagree.
I am on the spectrum and have learned to put my foot down with people who go overboard and I do work in public health affairs but not a licensed counselor. Rather, I just listen to and read lots of suggestions in learning to be more assertive. TUF may struggle to communicate but I do think it would be good for her to be more assertive with her parent without disrespecting them. Does that mean I am asking her to lose her temper with them? Absolutely not. Rather, I am saying, I think it's okay for TUF, being that she is an adult to learn and set healthy boundaries.
06 May 2019, 9:32 am
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