I wish I had female friends

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There are women physicists around.

I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble with women.

Maybe at a symposium, you can present a paper. Maybe a woman who is going for a Masters or PhD could be impressed by whatever theory you are putting forward. This could happen

I agree with you Magna. I've seen just as much misandry as misogyny in some of the posts on L&D, or other threads. It's regrettable that there isn't more appreciation for gender equality or gender understanding on Wrong Planet, and also in society at large. Thanks for posting.

I been to symposiums. And no I am not going to be wasting hundrids of dollars for plane tickets + hotels just cause of some woman somewhere. My main reason of going to symposiums is to connect with professors in order to improve my research. This hasn't been working very well despite all the multiple symposiums I been going to, so I cut down on the number of my travels cause I am already in debt as it is.

PUA = "pick-up artist." Some relevant old WP threads:

- PUA Scams
- Pickup artists FOR Asperger's

These sites advocate that men try to “pick up women” in an aggressive manner....thinking that women like this “alpha”-type behavior.

No one said you used the word "entitled", just that you sounded like you thought you were entitled to a woman's attention. There's a huge difference.

Anyway, try to look at things from the woman's eyes: if she does want to talk to a guy she doesn't know, for what reason would she pick you? Especially if where you are there are more men than women, the chances that it'll be you who a woman comes to talk to by coincidence are going to be low. Even if she doesn't have any reason to not pick you, she probably doesn't have any reason to not pick any of the other men, either.

Also, I think it's wrong to be bitter to people about them not doing something that you yourself aren't doing, either. Besides, who's to say that the reason you don't get attention isn't simply because the women around you are too much like you? Maybe they also want you to make the first move because otherwise they're afraid they won't be able to tell if you're talking to them because you want to or because it's polite. Women can be insecure too you know.

People not coming to talk to you doesn't mean you're being ostracized. If you went over and talked to people, yet they ignored you, then you'd be ostracized. If you think that people not talking to you means you're being ostracized, then wouldn't that also mean that you not going and talking to people is you ostracizing them?

No one is entitled for positive attention, but everyone is entitled to be treated politely as long as they do the same. For example, if you go over and say hi to someone, it is polite of them to reply. If you start a conversation, it is polite of them to have a few words with you even if they aren't interested in what you have to say. After a small while, it's socially acceptable of them to say that they need to go/they were in the middle of something etc. If they're in a hurry and really don't have the time to talk to you, a simple "excuse me but I don't have the time" is acceptable and by no means has nothing to do with you being ostracized. Of course, reading the situation is also big thing here. If there is a group of friends, one that you don't know, talking intensly with each other, it's just not polite to cut in unless you're there for a concrete reason, like to ask for directions.

Let's put it in statistical terms. Just like you said: there is no reason for a specific woman to pick me out of all the other guys she might talk to. That's why I can't complain why a specific woman, say, Jane, doesn't talk to me. But, statistically, "some small proportion" of women around should be picking me. So if nobody does, then there is a reason for it. Think of the dice with 6 sides. If, at any specific time you throw it, you get something "other than" 4, you can't be surprised you didn't get 4. But what if you throw it 100 times, and none of them gave you 4. Then yes, it's surprising. My situation seems more like the latter than the former.

Now, one thing that "would" be along the lines of addressing my "statistical" question is that there aren't that many women in math department. But that would only address the dating part rather than friendship part. With dating, one woman dates only one man, so those women can only date small proportion of men. But with friendship, each woman is friends with more than one "person" -- and I presume that also means more than one man as well. In fact, if department is small, probably everyone knows everyone. So then yes I can complain why aren't they talking to me.

The other question is what about in University campus in general, outside of my department? In campus in general the gender ratio is approximately 50/50. So, statistically, I should explect to have "both" female friends "and" a girlfriend. Yet I don't have either.

As far as your point that other people might be unwilling to approach me for the same reason I am unwilling to approach them, here is the thing. Let's say person A and B talks to each other. So one of them approached the other. Let's say, person A approached person B. Since -- unlike person A -- I don't approach, I am less brave than person A. Since -- unlike person B -- I don't get approached, I am less likable than person B. As it happens, I am not that concerned about not being brave, but I am concerned about not being likable. That's why I am obsessing about the second part.

Let's put it in statistical terms. If I am not brave and, accordingly, "decide" to never approach anyone, I would be statistically expected to cut down my interactions by 50%. But then how come the amount of interactions I have is not just 50% of the amount that average Joe has but only 1%? The only way to explain it is that I am a lot less likable than average Joe.

Or let's put it the other way. Let's say I follow your advice and start approaching people. Will I end up initiating 99% of conversations? If so, that would again imply that I am less likable than average Joe since he will be initiating 50% of conversations and I will be initiating 99%

And, speaking of that, I actually "am" initiating conversations both on dating sites and on Facebook. And online, I do indeed initiate 99% of conversations, and get response only 30% of the time on Facebook and 5% of the time on dating sites (well, I didn't count so I might be off, but those are some estimates). So, at the very least, I am not likable online. I haven't tried that in person simply because it hurts a lot more to be shut down in person than online.

I discovered your problem: you're WAY overthinking this. Friendships and relationships don't conform to statistics and scientific method.

This is probably part of the problem. There is also the thing that friendships and relationships tend to be emotional to most, so if you're openly trying to handle these things in a way that statistics work, it'll be off putting to many.

But more than that, since you're on this forum, I'd assume you're autistic, diagnosed or otherwise. Us autistic people in general tend to atract less people than an average NT, it's just how things usually go. Majority of people don't actually discriminate against autistic people though; they just aren't as drawn to people who are different from them. I mean, you're religious and like math and such, right? You would probably be drawn much more towards another religious person interested in math than an atheist who barely passed math and has no interest in talking about it or anything. It's the same with NTs; other NTs often come across as more relatable than autistic people. And of course, less popular NTs exist too. Some people just don't draw others to themselves at all, sometimes due to appearance, sometimes because there's something off putting about them that people can't put a finger on (probably often the case with autistic people) and some don't realize that they have a bad reputation that has gotten there before they did.

Yes, indeed, I have Asperger's: I was diagnosed with it.

As far as putting things in logical terms, that doesn't mean I don't have emotions. In the contrary, the emotional component if relationships is what I crave and don't get. But then when I ask WHY don't I have it, I use logic. Maybe logic is a way to draw a bridge when my own emotions vastly deviate from emotions of others. I mean, if I ask myself "why did I flirt with my ex-s in the specific way I did", that's not very logical either: but that's fine, since we got along just fine as far as thar is concerned. But when my intuitive feelings outright contradict the intuitive feelings of others, then yes I want to use logic to make sense of it.

And as far as "bad reputation" part of your reply, that is actually one of the main things I am concerned about. You see, whether people approach me is a type of "barometer" of my reputation, and that's what makes it so important. Don't get me wrong: I do have emotional needs outside of reputation, and loneliness hurts regardless. But if I also know that loneliness is "due" to bad reputation, that makes it only hurt that much more.

By the way, since you mentioned "bad reputation that got there before I did" can you tell me how far can it travel? Are you talking about the situation when I just move within the sane town or when I change states? I been trabsferrong around a lot and what tends to happen is that people seem initially friendly at a new place so I think "all my problems are solved" and take their friendliness for granted and don't reciprocate. Then, after time goes by, they are no longer as friendly, and then I start obsessing about it but it doesn't help and then when I get to New school the same thing repeats. So what I am complaining about is more along the lines of reputation traveling within the same town since, once people don't like me in a particular town, going to a different part of that town (say, different church or different restaurant) doesn't seem to help.

But are you saying it travels even further than that, just in more subtle ways? I mean, even when I say people are more friendly at first, i only speak in relative terms: they are still least friendly than they are with each other. So who knows maybe I am being hindered by reputation that travels between states too, and then I make it worse by creating bad reputation locally?

But then of course the other alternative is that there is something about me that you just can't put the finger on that puts people off even if they haven't heard anything about mw. Well that's almost as upsetting as bad reputation. I wish I could do something about it.

The problem with this is that women don't generally need to approach men, because men approach women. I'm sure if you were being approached by women often enough, you wouldn't feel the need to bother approaching them.

There's no use thinking about algorithms as far as women approaching guys is concerned.

I would say most women get turned off if they sense that a guy scientifically analyzes things like "women approaching men," and things like that.

Do you have fellow physics/math women students with whom you could study?

What were your doctoral theses on? I'm a physicist too, though not nearly as brilliant of one as you seem to be. I gave up any illusions I had about becoming a world-class theoretical physicist years ago, LOL. If I can understand anything at all, I'm happy.

I just sent you a PM with links to my work

True, it doesn't usually mean that, but it can make you appear cold and people usually believe what they see or, in this case, what they think they see.

While it is possible for a bad reputation to travel across states, especially in this era of the internet, I'd still say it's rare... but if you live in one state and move to another one where someone who also used to live in the same state as you before lives, then if that person knows you and doesn't like you, they might start spreading rumors. Or if someone from the state you lived in knows a lot of people from the specific place you're going (like school) they might warn their friends of you. However, like I said, this is probably rare. For most people it's out of sight, out of mind kind of thing, so unless you've really pissed someone off, it's unlikely they'd go out of their way to cause you trouble.

What I mostly meant is a bad reputation traveling within a town/city (or if the place is small, the next town too.) In small places it's pretty much "everyone knows everyone", or at the very least knows a member of their family. Big places have more people, so the chances that you'll run in to someone you know on the other side of town are higher. The thing is, in the worst case, you only need to get in to the bad side of one person. If that's someone with lot of influence, the rumor mill will get on full force and everyone will know some rumors about you. However, usually it is just that if you hurt or annoy someone, they will just tell a friend or two, who might tell another two friends etc. and you get a bad reputation. People might not have any details of why you're "bad", but trust the words of their friends and avoid you for it.

BUT I think I've spotted the root of your problem:



This here is it. Most people are naturally curious about new people (or so I've read), want to know more about them and know that the way to get best results is to be friendly. So they are friendly to you in order to test the waters, to see if you'd like to be their friend and if you're the kind of guy they'd like to be friends with, but if you show no reaction to that, they'll think that you're not interested/are cold/think of yourself above them or something. The bottom line is that you not putting in any effort, not reciprocating (new word for me, gotta remember it) gives off the vibe that you aren't interested. So next time you go to a group of new people and they're friendly to you, be friendly back and make it known that you like their attemps to be friendly.

Actually, the above might be why women at school don't approach you. If they've tried to do so at some point (have they?) yet you haven't shown any sign of interest in return, they might've come to the conclusion that you don't want to talk to them and have decided to leave you alone because they think it's what you want.

Yeah, and thats also quite painful. People assume I am cold and have no emotions when I am sitting here hurting due to the unfulfilled emotional needs that I do have. And that goes along the same lines of the bulk of your previous response: I appear cold because

a) I overanalyise things, which make it sound I am all about logic "as opposed to" emotion

b) I don't respond to people, which shows that I don't like them

But what they don't seem to realize is

a) What DRIVES my analyzing things IS emotion. If I didn't feel emotion about this topic, I would have been spending time overanalyzing physics (like I used to in my teen years). The whole entire point why I overanalyze social things is because I DO feel emotions about it -- and, in particular, I feel loneliness, ostracism, etc. I just use logic to process those emotions. You see, if my emotions conflict with other people's emotions, then I need logic to make sense of it, but that doesn't mean I don't have emotions.

b) As far as not responding to people, it might be due to lack of social skills. For example, sometimes I have trouble remembering names or faces, so if someone waves at me in the middle of the street I might not recognize them. Or if I do recognize them I might still not be sure if they wave at me or at someone else. And sometimes other social things stand on the way that would take me half a minute to profess, and then half a minute later I feel like "wow I wish I responded differently" but then its too late.

What is painful about it is that when I look at other people interacting I feel like "they are just like me, they have the same kind of feelings and needs that I have, but nobody besides me knows it: they assume I am some piece of furnirture that can't feel anything" and it hurts.



I was referring to your quote "reputation that got there before you did" at the very bottom of your previous reply. But were you referring more to things like my switching churches while I live in the same town?



The place I am currently at is Albuquerque, New Mexico. I wouldn't classify it as "large city" because you don't see tall buildings like you do in New York, but, at the same time, it takes really large area. So, from pure logic point of view, I am not sure how the waitress at the other end of Albuquerque would have heard anythign about me. But still it feels like I am ostracized there no matter where I go. I think part of it might be because in that city there is a lot of crime and drugs. Now, my hair is often messy, and I forget to shave, tuck in my shirt, etc. so they might interpret it as if I am on drugs or something (when I am not) while within a context of different city they might be more willing to give me a benefit of the doubt. But still, even here, when I first came they initially tried to make me feel welcome -- although "they" would be people at my school and they knew who I was.



That actually happened to me in the academic front. Back when I was doing my first ph.d. I was stuck at a particular question regarding a physics concept I couldn't accept. So what I "should" have done was to pick a different reseach topic where that concept isn't being used. But I didn't do it. I kept hoping I would "rewrite" that concept in a way that I "like" and then proceed with the research I was asked to do. Eventually I did -- few years "after" I got my first Ph.D. But I kept thinking I would do it a lot faster, which didn't happen. So I was stuck and I made myself a bad reputation that way. But you see, the only people that were directly interacting with me were my research advisors, which were only two people. But they spread the bad reputation about me so nobody else wanted to work with me after that. The second advisor that I had happened to be a chair of graduate studies (not to be confused with department chair) so after he gave up on me, he actually tried to expel me. But his deal was that I will get expelled if I won't find another advisor within 5 months of him refusing to work with me. And thats where my bad reputation came in: nobody wanted to be my advisor since he spread bad rumors about me. Eventually, the day before the deadline, a retired professor agreed to be my advisor just to save me from being expelled. Thats why I ended up staying there and getting my first Ph.D. Still, however, they cut off my financial support so my mom had to pay my way.

As far as socially, I don't have any evidence about "one" person being entirely to blame for my bad reputation, the way I just described academically. I think socially it seems more like perception of multiple people added together. But thats just my sense.



Yeah, I think that might be happening in my case.



Well, first of all, its not any significant number of girls that try to talk to me, only a select few. Although I deeply regret the fact that I blew it with those "select few", since interaction with some of "them" would have probably been enough to make me feel better in general, let alone the fact that I might have gotten to know others through them.

Also, I didn't "mean" to give them a cold shoulder, but it came across that way simply because I am socially awkward. Let me give you some examples to illustrate this point:

1) Five years ago, in Mississippi, a bunch of strangers were offering to give me a ride. I am not sure whether offering a ride means anything beyond the ride or if its just part of southern hospitality, since they never offered their contact information or invited me anywhere, they just gave me a ride and that was it. But then there was one time when the one offering me a ride was a girl in her 20s with her female friend that same age. They both tried to chat me up, and when they dropped me off they mentioned they have a friend living there. However, this happened at the wrong time. It happened that the girl in Nebraska whom I was dating long distance was trying to break up with me (she ended up breaking up with me two months later, but at first she tried to do it then) so I couldn't wait to get home so that I could try to get ahold of her to argue with her not to break up (which was unlikely since she was at work at that time anyway). So I guess my mind was too far away for me to really reciprocate.

2) Four years ago, when I started my program in Mississippi (and then a year later I transferred to New Mexico) a guy and a girl approached me and wanted to talk to me. But then, seemingly out of the blue, the girl ended the conversation. I sent the guy an email and told him I have Asperger so I might have done something wrong without realizing it, and asked him why did she end the conversation. He told me that he didn't talk to her about it, but his own guess is that I mentioned how I don't want to take statistics class because statistics is something I can just look up in a book -- and we were in the floor where a lot of professors were in their offices with their doors open -- and the statistics professors door was open as well. So I asked him to ask her to make sure that was the reason, he agreed to, and after he asked her then she confirmed him that indeed that was her reason. She also said that she suspected herself I was on autism spectrum because of that comment I made. So then I was using both him and her to complain about other social skills problems I was having as well as the fact that people don't talk to me. They invited me to watch a football game on TV few months later, and also me and him were working together with the same professor. So they didn't exactly avoid me, but at the same time they didn't invite me to things too often either.

3) Four years ago, when I first came to a particular church in Mississippi, I came slightly late so the service already started and, during the service, some girl tried to talk to me, so I just gave her one word answer and looked away since I didn't want to interrupt the service. But then I regret it later: making a female friend would be worth it even if it means interupting the service, but I didn't think of it right away. Then, few days later, in that same church, some older man was talking to me (I think he was like 60 or 70) and some girl was standing there waiting for her turn to talk. I have no idea if it was the same girl or a different one, since I don't remember faces. In any case, whoever it was, I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't feel comfortable stopping the conversation with that man -- although I wanted to -- so I kept giving him short answers hoping he will end the conversation himself so that I could talk to that girl, but he didn't. When he finally ended that conversation, that girl was no longer there.

4) Three years ago, in Mississippi, I was in a small math class where we had just two rows and probably around 5 students in the second row and me and one girl in the front row. Apart from the fact that that girl was sitting in the front row, she kept looking at me. During the first lecture she said "I like your shirt" or something like that, but I wasn't sure if she said it to me or to one of the girls, so I didn't reply but I was obsessing whether I should. And when she was looking at me I was looking back, not being sure whether to start a conversation or not. Eventually, after around a month, I gathered courage and started talking to her after class. We then both walked to her office and I talked to her in her office for around half an hour. Then she started deletting her dating site in front of me. I had no idea how to interpret it. Was she saying "we talked too much I have other things to do" and thus doing one of her "other things" in front of me? Or was she saying "I am on a dating site, maybe you should ask me out" or was she saying "I am deletting dating site, I found someone, so don't get your hopes up". I had no clue. Anyway, when I said good bye, she said "see you around" and I replied "see you in class" -- and then I was obsessing why did I say "in class" rather than "around"like she did: did it come across as if I told her I didn't want to see her outside the class? I guess the reason I said it was because I wouldn't recognize her face outside the class, so that was implicit assumption I made, but she didn't know that. Few days later I saw a girl -- with a different hair style than her -- in the caffeteria giving me a funny look, and I just looked back at her and didn't approach her. But then the next time I came to that class, I saw that she changed her hair color from black to the one that "other girl" had, and I suspect that "other girl" might have been her, but I am not too positive. Incidentally I liked her better with her original hair color, but that doesn't really matter since I don't judge by looks. I guess I am not sure did she change her hair color for me or in general? Anyway, I decided to contact her via facebook in order to maintain contact in hopes something will develop. I didn't know what to ask, so I just asked the one question I ask everyone: namely I told her I have Asperger's, and asked her about my bad reputation. She told me that she remembers, from previous semester, how I came to class late and started asking the professor questions whether I will be marked present or absent -- and how I should have asked it after class in order not to interrupt the class. I actually didn't know she was in one of my classes during the previous semester: like I said, I didn't remember her face. What I do remember is that previous semester I was sitting at the left side of the classroom and all the girls were sitting together at the right end. I have no idea if any of those girls were looking at me or not, I wouldn't know since I don't have glasses. But I assumed they probably didn't. So I am not sure why she wasn't sitting with the group of girls the next semester the way she was previous one. In any case, I was talking to her over facebook about her interests in math, linguistics and philosophy. Not too much though. And she was only replying to half of my messages and not the other ones. But, despite not replying to my messages over textbook, she was still sitting one sit away from me in that math class and looking at me, like she used to. One of those classes she as looking at me, I looked at her, she continued looking at me, I continued looking at her, then finally she sighed and turned away. So I am not sure if she expected me to talk to her or what. After that semester I transferred schools and then she stopped replying to my facebook messages altogether, although she was still in my contacts. Then, two months after I transferred, I finally gathered courage and asked her whether she was interested in me in the past. It says she read that message, but she didn't reply. I never heard back from her again, even though she is still in my contacts as of now.

5) Three years ago, after I transferred from Mississippi to New Mexico, I asked some girl, before class, where a mailbox was. She told me she will show me after class. I was thinking that after class she would just tell me in words where it would be but, surprisingly, she decided to actually walk me towards it. As she was walking me, she tried to have a conversation with me, and was really excited about it. She also made multiple circles around the floor before she finally got to the mailbox. I am not sure if that was because she didn't know the way herself, since she was new there as well, or if she did that on purpose in order to extend the time she was talking to me. At the same time, however, I noticed that she was writing the names of different people on her hand -- including my name -- so I am not sure whether she was excited about meeting me in particular, or whether she just wanted to meet people in general. In any case, she mentioned how she is great in abstract algebra and bad in analysis, and I mentioned how I am the opposite, great in analysis and bad in abstract algebra, so she suggested she might tutor me abstract algebra. I guess I was taken by surprise, so I made some pause and then, after some pause, I said, sounding really reluctant, "yes, I think its a good idea for you to tutor me". But you see, I liked that idea from every angle: I wanted to get to know her!! ! The only reason why I sounded reluctant was that I wasn't prepared to respond so I guess my reaction is slow. Anyway, she said "we will talk about it the next class". But then the other mistake I made was this. I didn't remember where she was sitting. So what I "should have" done were to come late, so that she already sits, and then I could sit next to her. But I didn't think all those steps ahead of time. I came in early and she wasn't there yet. So I sat at my usual seat, which was in the middle of a classroom. When she came in, I saw that she seats at the back of the classroom. But there were other students there, so I was too shy to just stand up and walk up to her in front of everyone. But I kept wanting to. So I kept staring at her while remaining seating, hoping for her to call me over, which she didn't. Then some guy at the front saw me staring and said "why don't you come sit next to me", so then I stood up and sat next to the guy in front -- which means I actually walked "away" from her. After some while she found a boyfriend. Then, a year later, I sent her an email telling her I have Asperger and asking her whether I made a "bad impression" during that one conversation we had a year prior to that email. She said she didn't know I had Asperger and said I was fine, and yes she could remember "some" details of that conversation -- but one detail she "didn't" remember was the one about suggesting that she would tutor me. She said she couldn't have possibly suggested it because she doesn't like studying together, she likes studying by herself. That, by the way, contradicts something I overheard her saying a couple of days after that first conversation I had with her when she told some other girl "I wish I could tutor abstract algebra to someone".

6) Three years ago, when I first came to a caffeteria in New Mexico, I was surprised to find out that there were two cashiers. I was supposed to pay to the first cashier, then grab a bunch of food, and then get out through the other side wehre there was another cashier -- and not pay anything -- and then just sit in a dining area and eat. In any case, since it was my first time there, I didn't realize that the second cashier knew I already paid -- so I decided to tell her that I did. But you see, shortly before I told her that, she said hi and started a small talk, but then I "interrupted" her small talk in order to inform her about it. But after I saw she backed off I thought to myself "wow its too bad I just interrupted her small talk, lets try to reignite it" so I tried to ask a question or two, but I only got cold, one word answers, from her. So I gave up. But then I was obsessing about her and whether or not she would "ever" start a new conversation with me. So I kept staring at her each time I came to that caffeteria, and she was giving me disgusting look, and neither of us were saying anything. Then, after few months of that, I finally asked her whether or not she dislikes me for some reason. She didn't understand what I said -- which on the surface looked like she didn't understand my Russian accent, but I am not sure whether she actually didn't understand my Russian accent or pretended not to since she disliked me. In any case, she didn't understand me four or five times, so I repeated that question four or five times, but then when she finally understood it she told me that it was because I was staring at her. Then I told her that the reason I was staring at her is that I have Asperger and so I am obsessed about people disliking me and her supposedly disliking me was just one of the examples of what I was obsessing about. Then, surprisingly, she no longer had any difficulty understanding my accent. She told me she had insecurities of her own as well and tried to say things to make me feel better. Then after that for a while she was trying to be friendly with me -- in fact, one time she had a conversation with me for like half an hour. But I guess the whole thing ended when she tried to talk to me and I cut her off because there was a different woman (much older than her) who made a comment the day before that its better not to talk to me since I would start arguing. So I cut off the questions by that girl in order to start an argument with that other woman (and that other woman didn't let me keep arguing with her because I was using F words so she simply told me to stop cussing). Anyway, that girl haven't been friendly with me after that. But I DID notice that she had a habbit of having really long conversations with many different guys that might last for half an hour or so.

7) Two and a half years ago, when I was in that caffeteria in New Mexico, some girl -- who is probably an advanced undergraduate in physics -- asked me if I am doing physics as well. Yes, I wanted to talk to her, but in order for that conversation to be the most productive, I wanted a background. So I asked her how does she know I do physics. She told me she overheard my conversation with some foreign student the day before. I then said I don't remember talking to anyone the day before -- in fact, I was in my dorm room the whole day. She tried to remind me two or three times, but I still weren't remembering. Then she started to back off. But then when I saw that she started to back off I said "oh yeah I remember" in order to attempt to fix the problem so that she would talk to me. Actually, it took me a bit longer to remember -- probably I remembered it after 5 or 10 minutes -- but I "told" her I remembered then and there since obviously she wasn't going to wait another 5 or 10 minutes. But, despite my telling her I remember, she was still backing off. So then I tried to ask her some questions about the research that she is doing, in order to show her that yes I want to talk to her (since I figured maybe my question sounded like I wanted to avoid her). But she only gave me few words answer and backed away.

8 ) Two and a half years ago, in New Mexico, some guy invited me to run and hike together with his group of people (that included both guys and girls). I told him about Asperger long before the hike started and was complaining to him about various social situations I was encountering -- and he used to be supportive: he told me that he used to have bipolar too so he could relate to it and was suggesting I don't dwell on my diagnosis so much. Anyway, after the hike, it was just me, him, and his ex. Everyone else had to go. So the three of us were going to go to the bar, and his ex suggested I go in the same car with her and he goes into a separate car. Which I agreed. Then, at the bar, it turned out I didn't have an ID, so they had to drive me home so that I could get an ID. And this time it was him who was driving rather than his ex. Now, as he was driving me, he said that his ex mentioned she liked me, and that she really wanted to talk to me about the paper that I wrote on how to combine science and religion (it wasn't at the arXiv with my other papers, I posted it on viXra instead). Now, he didn't use the word "love", he used the word "like", so I am not sure what to make of it: he could have been just helping me make friends, since I was complaining to him that I don't have friends. When I got to the bar, I started talking to her about my paper, like he suggested. But I guess he was helping me along by answering some of her questions for me. One of those times he gave her a wrong answer, but I didn't realize how to correct him in a timely manner, so I didn't. I sent him and/or her (I don't remember to whom) a message over the facebook regarding that correction, but they just said "okay" and not much more than that. One thing I regret even more is that, after we were done at the bar, my mom sent me a text that she wanted me to call her to let her know if I am back from the hike safely. Now, I didn't want my mom to know I was at the bar. What I should have done would be to excuse myself to step outside, call my mom, and then come back. But instead of doing that, I just made an excuse that I need to get back to my dorm since I need to do the homework. I think this was a big mistake, since the girl kept insisting that we go spend the night at her place. The guy was somewhere between slightly opposed to indifferent and left it up to us so I should have agreed. But, in any case, she was in an open relationship with someone in Europe, so I guess I didn't miss out when it comes to the type of dating I am looking for. But still I could have made a friend. Anyway, I decided to "undo" my mistake and send her a facebook message indicating that I do want to socialize. But I was too shy to actually bring up her in particular so I just started to complain about my lack of friends in general, in hopes she would figure it out. So then, indeed, she said "you can make friends, I am your friend" and invited me to a caffee. But then she invited the guy to the caffee too -- except that the two of us came first and he came slightly later. But you see, the two of us were sitting at the opposite sides of the table, facing each other, and when he came he sat on her side, and put his arm around her. Also, from what it sounded, him and her went to one of their houses that night as well, but this time they didn't invite me. Although it was more along the lines of me asking "what are you talking about" and them saying "oh, we will just party at our house, so its not important unless you want to come". So I am not sure whether to read it as if I wasn't welcome or whether they just "assumed" I wouldn't want it since I didn't want it the previous time. In any case, I never met that girl in person after that -- although I kept complaining to her over facebook about being ostracized as well as various interactions I was having. But that was entirety of our facebook talk: I was complaining to her about others and she was responding. She DID meet HIM in person several times, though. But then again, I was in Albuquerque and she was in Santa Fe (only the guy was a student at my school, the girl wasn't).

9) This time it was a guy, not a girl. But I guess I will list him here as well simply because part of my problem is being ostracized in general and also I could always get to know girls through guys. Anyway, two years ago, I was in my office being stuck at the homework problem that I was supposed to turn in like 15 minutes after that. A Russian guy walked in and suggested we go for a lunch. Obviously, I couldn't afford to go to the lunch then and there. But I should have said something like "I am sorry I can't come now, how about some other time". But I didn't say it. Instead, I didn't even respond to the lunch part and simply started asking him questions about the math problem, which he attempted to answer for like 5 or 10 minutes and then he had to go. He didn't invite me after that.