Your gripes about peer-led autistic adult support groups?

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They always feel a bit cult like. The ones I went to seemed mostly OK but autism is what people were rather than what they had. Everything was about autism and the worse the better.

There was weird attempts by some to dominate others too. Often the people trying to dominate where not particularly able or capable people themselves yet strangely targeted what I would consider the most able of them all. It was weird watching someone who was brought in by his mother get into a d**k swinging contest with another aspie who drove down in their own and was studying for a master's.

This post sounds ver insightful of that situation .

What do you mean by "cultlike"?

Usually, when a group is described as "cultlike," people mean that it has a charismatic authoritarian leader whom the members revere, and/or that the group recruits members in a shady, manipulative way.

I get the feeling that you mean something else, though I'm not sure what. I hope you don't, for example, regard as "cultlike" any group that has an ethos at least somewhat different from that of mainstream society, or any group that tries to create a sense of community among its members.


Do you mean "autistic" is what people were?

As far as I am aware, no one says "I am autism," except for the child-stealing demon portrayed in a widely-denounced sensationalistic, dehumanizing fund-raising video titled "I Am Autism," which was produced by Autism Speaks about 12 years ago. The sheer offensiveness of that video, widely aired as a broadcast ad back then, was one of the things that sparked this past decade's wave of autistic rights activism here in the U.S.A. (I don't know what impact, if any, it had in the U.K. -- which, as far as I can tell, seems to have a generally somewhat better-organized autistic community than the U.S.A. has.)

Anyhow, the whole question of "is autistic" vs. "has autism" is not one I want to discuss here in this thread, as it would derail this thread. Is it okay if I quote your post and reply to it in a separate new thread in the Autism Politics, Activism, and Media Representation section?


What, specifically, did you actually observe that you are characterizing as "the worse the better"? For example, do you just mean that the group made serious attempts to accommodate autistic people with support needs beyond ASD Level 1, and perhaps there were arguments about how to do this? Or perhaps there were arguments about things that some people were said that were offensive to the people with higher support needs? Or perhaps the group wanted people with a variety of different kinds of autism to be represented in its leadership?


You characterize this as a "d**k swinging contest," but do you remember what they were actually arguing about, or at least what general kind of thing they were arguing about?

Also, regarding the person "who was brought in by his mother," did his mother bring him simply because he couldn't drive a car, or because he needed a support person with him at all times, for other reasons (and, if the latter, can you recall what those reasons were)?

If he was brought in by this mother just because he couldn't drive, I'm a bit surprised that the group met in a location that wasn't easily accessible via public transportation. I was under the impression that the UK had excellent public transportation. Or perhaps this person needed to avoid public transportation due to sensory sensitivities?

How is that sense of community supposed to work actually? So far, I only associated it with excuse abusers use to control others, but maybe this has another use?

By cult like I mean hive mind. Everyone was one and what held groups together was autism. Everything revolved around it and they lived and breathed it. It
didn't feel relaxed. Seemed like a competition on who could have the most severe autism. Nobody just chilled out.

By d**k swinging contest I mean trying to dominate too. Some just had a compulsion to be superior but failed miserably. They didn't particularly argue about anything. It was more passive aggressive behaviour in an attempt to wear down someone else who ironically was often a high achiever.

As a general rule of thumb, if I see someone pull up in a brand new Mercedes Benz I have a tendancy not to demean or mock them. Someone who can afford a Benz probably has their head screwed on enough to not care much for chest puffing from people who can't order a McDonald's without their parents.......this basic logic seemed to be lost on some in groups dedicated to adults with autism.

The people who were brought in by parents were just not able to come in by themselves due to needing a support person at all times. I don't hang around in groups long enough to find out more.

Yes you can also start a new thread too.

Sorry for my initial short post. I was in the car being bothered by people who kept pulling up next to me for some reason.

Last edited by Nades on 07 Aug 2021, 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In what kind of context have you run into "sense of community" as an "excuse abusers use to control others"?

Exactly how a sense of community works (or should work) depends on the nature and aims of the group. In a support group, it mainly just means empathizing with each other. In other kinds of groups, it may mean feeling inspired to work together on common goals.

Family, jobs.


Oh, good to know... I honestly thought that support communities are about helping each other solve problems... :/
Umm, so I guess there are no communities that are actually about helping each other?

No, that's not what I meant.

The question you asked was about the sense of community, not about the totality of what happens in the group. Many support groups do discuss ways to solve members' problems, not just express sympathy. However, a support group's emotional dynamic is usually rooted in mutual empathy.

Other kinds of groups may involve activities other than just talking to each other at meetings. For example, a political activist group involves volunteer work toward a common political goal. In that case, the group's sense of community is rooted in the common political goal.

Umm, wait, I know that empathy can hurt. A lot. So basically, hurting someone by telling them my sad story is supposed to give sense of community? Ehh, but I don't like hurting others... And if I have to explain my problems, I try to make it sound as lighthearted as possible in order to not hurt them. Am I doing things backwards then?

While some people may join support groups for a sense of community, others seem to do so to either attract attention, exercise power through playing mind games, or because they have not had any luck getting dates through normal dating services.

It would be nice to find a real community-minded support group, but all of the ones I have tried so far seem to reflect, in microcosm, the politics and narcissistic mind-set of the world at large.

No, but you've called attention to what may be an important accommodation issue in terms of how support groups are run.

For those people who are emotionally sensitive enough that empathy often hurts, it may be helpful to have a group with a policy of encouraging members to talk about their difficulties in as light-hearted a way as possible. And, in that case, the group's sense of community would be rooted not in empathy per se, but in a shared sense of humor.

But, for other people, especially for people who aren't especially witty, such a policy would be unnecessary and counterproductive.

Yet another reason why the autistic community needs many different kinds of groups. Thanks for bringing this issue to my attention.

Thank you.  It was drawn from personal experience and observation.  Sadly, I doubt that it will draw much attention from the book-wise "experts" in this thread, and for the reason I mentioned.

How would it look like? Make it happen, create one! :3

I think the same experience is reflected outside of such groups too. School and teachers with kids, the media only paying attention to helping hot women and even Doctors seemingly being dismissive of the lesser able and giving them poorer service.

Ever noticed how some of the biggest missing person cases that grab everyone's attention only seem to be mostly women? A mysterious and truly baffling missing persons case happened on my doorstep where a young mans car was found damage on the side of the road and abandon on a random stretch of freeway. He's never been seen since. I can't help but feel he would have had more attention if he was more "popular".

i am believing , we may have had similiar experiences.

I am a problem-solver, not a hand-holder.  People join support groups more to have their hands held (literally and figuratively) than to be given solutions to their problems.