Dear People Who Are In The Elevator With Me

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Dear shopkeeper,
I'm interested in exchanging goods for services. I am not interested in initiating a lifelong friendship.
Don't try to talk to me about what I'm buying, and don't try to talk to me about my personal life.
It's creepy.

Thanks.

Dear World:

Silence is golden.

Only speak if it is relevant, especially if it is a compliment on my shoes.

With Gratitude,
ME

PS. I am absorbed in my own thoughts about what I am doing or have to do, and if I am reading, SHUSH!! ! If I want idle chit chat, I would have initiated it (and it would be relevant)

Dear clerk at Best Buy,

Please don't argue with me that there are no RF modulators and try to convince me to buy a new television set. There are RF modulators, now tell me where they are and shut up about the plasma TVs.


Dear cashiers,

Don't card me for cigs and alcohol, then sell me the cigs and alcohol, and then ask me if I'm going to the prom/school dance.

Dear cashiers,

Don't sell me alcohol, midol, and tampons- and say ANYTHING. The situation speaks for itself.

Dear super-cute-girl who was starting sitting next to me and talking to me 1/2 way through the semester, and then lost interest after a few weeks and decided to go and sit with her friends,

I'm an idiot!! !

I didn't realize that sitting in front of me (auditorium seating), starting a conversation, then after seeing me slouch in my seat so my knees were forward (I'm 6'2"), leaned back, took her scrunchy out of her hair, and extensively brushed her hair back so it tickled my leg ... was flirting!

I'm an idiot!! !

It's this cursed site that makes me realize these things.

Dear party-girls at school,

Please refrain from loudly announcing the never-ending list of alcoholic cocktails you had on saturday night to each-other in class (even though no-one's listening to you and you're not listening to anyone else) and ranting about who kissed who.

Your complexion is getting more and more pasty from binge-drinking and you're beginning to look disgusting.

Some of you are interesting, when you're not talking about parties.

Dear girl who sits in front of me in religion class:
i'm sorry all i could say to you when you were crying was "Are you okay?" i mean obviously you weren't okay but i was late for a class and had no clue why you were crying after i told you that we had health instead of P.E. class today.

Dear family and in-laws:

Please just care about us and try to understand us, we need help and you're apparently incapable of providing it. Saying "You know you can talk to me about anything" means nothing when we've never been close or felt very loved.

Dear random people who want to get my attention,

Please do not tap me, poke me, or shake me in any way to get my attention. Doing so makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I have a hyperactive startle reflex. Please just say something if you need to talk to me.

Dear fellow oddballs,

I know how you all feel and I feel the same.
But if Life gives you lemons, you knock her out cold and steal her lunch money!

There must be quite a bit of coders, or other people with a hacker mindset here, who would understand that if you have a problem, you're supposed to solve it by breaking it down, identifying the components and taking actions to fix them.

So if we have the problem of "I don't like/understand small talk", for example, let's dissect it:

Why does it exist?
Small talk is annoying and seems to serve no logical function, but it does.
It is the grease that makes the grinding gears of society run more smoothly.
Everyone knows it's clichés, but they do it anyway.
It's not about the content or information shared, but how it is shared.
They poke and prod to see what kind of people are around them.

Why use it?
It's one of many ways to create rapport with other people, and rapport is very important, because people are not robots or computers, and feelings and motivations are not boolean or binary.
They need to be swayed, charmed and manipulated in very subtle ways that may lead to a more favorable outcome for you by their actions.
So you can gain on establishing rapport.
From the small things, like the clerk who calls it even when you're short on cash, to the bigger things, like making that special someone interested in you, to the extreme, getting the hostage taker to spare your life.

How does it work?
When somebody says "How are you?" they're not interested in your health, they just want to be acknowledged.
If you acknowledge them, they will gain a more positive perception of you, and they will subsequently start acting and making decisions more in favor of you.
The stronger this bond is, the more so.
It doesn't mean they want to be friends. (Some aspies may have a problem differentiating friends from acquaintances.)
So if you know the jargon and is versed in basic body language, you have the ability to influence the degree of rapport to your benefit.

See it as a game or maybe like hacking a system and it may be bearable.
Create a role playing character that you can play out on town so that you can leave your inhibitions at home.

How do I learn it?
There are lots of books about human behavior, body language, psychology or the mating rituals of Homo Sapiens Neurotypicalensis, etc. that can be of interest.
Check your library or the web.

If you're a bit brave, just try it out IRL, and you'll soon become more proficient.
Start simple. Say "Hi" to a random encounter.
If someone says "How are you?", just say "Fine, and you?"
Complain about the bloody weather, or if it's a nice day, say "Nice weather today".

Talk about the weather, the latest news, the game last night, cars, jobs, prices or whatever.
Stay off hot topics like religion, politics and special interests that will bore the average NT to tears.
Play the character of a slow-witted everyday Joe who is actually interested in how the game went or what the weather's going to be like, even if you're not interested.
It's just a role.

A tip for avoiding talking to people in elevators - use the stairs!
To avoid store greeters you could make it look like your taking a very important call on your mobile.

Elevators are uncomfortable. One, because of the momentum. I can feel my guts slide when they stop. Two, there is usually someone in them with wondering eyes. Thirdly, the guy with the hair, all over his arms and back, i can smell his pharimones and it makes me sick. Thank you.

Dear neighbours,

Please stop making small talk to me, I am not interested in you. Thanks. I don't want to know every detail of your banal lives, nor do I want you to know everything about mine. It's called 'living in each others pockets' and I don't want it.

Dear people generally,

Please stop treating me like an audience for the 'performance' of your life. All that 'notice me', 'aint I cute?' stuff is tedious and bad acting.

I love this thread!! Sometimes I can initiate small talk...but only when I am being sincere....likewise when being receptive of it. If it seems like the person is sincere then I can handle it alot better.


here are mine...

Dear creepy neighbor guy,

Please stop coming in without knocking. Please stop making small talk with me when you know I don't like talking to you. Furthermore, I am not your answering service. Please stop hanging out by the bar where I sit and breathing noisily. This is my my house you have no right to come here and deliberately annoy me. Please stop sucking up to the bands who play at SHFL and hitting on all the girls and telling everyone that you play drums for the butthole surfers. Nobody likes you. Please stop coming over altogether.

This saved me a whole redundant thread.

Dear ex-roommate,

I am sorry I snapped at you and accused you of putting those viruses in the computer the other night when I came in and found you drunkenly on the computer without permission and there were those pop-ups all over the screen. I really have no proof that it was you.