Why do so many aspies want friends?

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First off id like to put it out there that Aspergers is NOT the worst. It really is what you make it. Of course it makes life difficult, but there are NTs out there that would kill to have the drive and passion we have. Of course its hard, its hard! But when we start learning the social skills we weren't born with and how to interact with other people in society weve got the cake AND we get to eat it to. Its true we will never be the same, but we can be more if we want to.

On the topic of Interacting With Others:
A person is born with and acquires all sorts of gifts and needs through out their lifetime. They can be very general like the gift of athletic ability, or very particular, like the need to have brown sugar Quaker Oatmeal every morning at 2:15. The more general a gift or need is, the easier a gift is accepted and the need is fulfilled. The more particular a gift or need is, the harder the gift is accepted, and the need is fulfilled. It’s a combination of these many things that create the dynamics within a person. We all have needs, some of us less then others, but we all still have them. Humans were made designed in such a way so that we may share our gives and fufil eachother's needs. This is why human interaction is crucial to mental, and emotional survival.

On the topic of Making Friends:
I honestly (because of my needs and gifts) cannot survive without atleast one friend who understands me and will be there for me. There are times when need my alone time too. I find it very difficult making good friends and I could probably count the number of true friends ive had my whole life on one hand. There are people I hang around, spend time with, and talk to, but very few of them are appreciative of my differences. I love them, but none of them are as valueable as that one person. I just need that one person to be connected to as kind of a buffer, someone who is the same but different. Someone who is not me but can feel what it's like to be me. Its crucial that i have that connection so that i have a sympathetic alternate perspective with which to share my often times skewed thoughts. Not only do they show my things that I never would have seen before but they show me things about myself and my behavior that I never would have found out on my own. This is one of the ways I grow in my understanding of myself and the world around me and its not something i can do alone.

Similar View Points:

"Point is that I believe people evoke & provoke things (good, bad, and indifferent) in each other through their interactions, and that it's a useful function/service. Though too much of the wrong kind is as bad as not enough of the right kind (of attention/communication/proximity)."
Sun May 21, 2006 4:05 am – Belfast

"New environments can be so overwhelming that I get lost and can't find my way without completely humiliating myself or inconveniencing someone else. So if I have a friend, we can go together and I can follow their lead. It expands my world into experiences I wouldn't have on my own."
Wed May 17, 2006 3:55 pm - ratlady

"I need friends, and I need my alone time. If I am always alone, or always with friends, it stunts my growth as a person. The point is to have a balance that works for me."
Tue May 23, 2006 6:32 am -Space

"I need somebody to relate to. If I don't have at least one person who understands me and enjoy some of the things I like to do"
Fri May 26, 2006 6:47 am - Summer

"A friend is somebody you can trust and be more like yourself around, and that's another reason I feel like I need them. I don't like superficial relationships, and I rarely know how to act with these people who aren't really my friends and don't care about me. They never want to talk about anything "deep" as they call it. If I analyze something to try to understand it better they say I am thinking about it too hard. It's an exhaustion just being around these people and trying to act "normal" which seems like a waste of time anyway.
Because of this, unfortunately, even when I do make friends I have to hold back a certain amount and not relax entirely. I find myself being afraid that if I do really let go, they will realize they don't like me."
Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:01 pm- grendel

First off id like to put it out there that Aspergers is NOT the worst. It really is what you make it. Of course it makes life difficult, but there are NTs out there that would kill to have the drive and passion we have. Of course its hard, its hard! But when we start learning the social skills we weren't born with and how to interact with other people in society weve got the cake AND we get to eat it to. Its true we will never be the same, but we can be more if we want to.

On the topic of Interacting With Others:
A person is born with and acquires all sorts of gifts and needs through out their lifetime. They can be very general like the gift of athletic ability, or very particular, like the need to have brown sugar Quaker Oatmeal every morning at 2:15. The more general a gift or need is, the easier a gift is accepted and the need is fulfilled. The more particular a gift or need is, the harder the gift is accepted, and the need is fulfilled. It’s a combination of these many things that create the dynamics within a person. We all have needs, some of us less then others, but we all still have them. Humans were made designed in such a way so that we may share our gives and fufil eachother's needs. This is why human interaction is crucial to mental, and emotional survival.

On the topic of Making Friends:
I honestly (because of my needs and gifts) cannot survive without atleast one friend who understands me and will be there for me. There are times when need my alone time too. I find it very difficult making good friends and I could probably count the number of true friends ive had my whole life on one hand. There are people I hang around, spend time with, and talk to, but very few of them are appreciative of my differences. I love them, but none of them are as valueable as that one person. I just need that one person to be connected to as kind of a buffer, someone who is the same but different. Someone who is not me but can feel what it's like to be me. Its crucial that i have that connection so that i have a sympathetic alternate perspective with which to share my often times skewed thoughts. Not only do they show my things that I never would have seen before but they show me things about myself and my behavior that I never would have found out on my own. This is one of the ways I grow in my understanding of myself and the world around me and its not something i can do alone.

Similar View Points:

"Point is that I believe people evoke & provoke things (good, bad, and indifferent) in each other through their interactions, and that it's a useful function/service. Though too much of the wrong kind is as bad as not enough of the right kind (of attention/communication/proximity)."
Sun May 21, 2006 4:05 am – Belfast

"New environments can be so overwhelming that I get lost and can't find my way without completely humiliating myself or inconveniencing someone else. So if I have a friend, we can go together and I can follow their lead. It expands my world into experiences I wouldn't have on my own."
Wed May 17, 2006 3:55 pm - ratlady

"I need friends, and I need my alone time. If I am always alone, or always with friends, it stunts my growth as a person. The point is to have a balance that works for me."
Tue May 23, 2006 6:32 am -Space

"I need somebody to relate to. If I don't have at least one person who understands me and enjoy some of the things I like to do"
Fri May 26, 2006 6:47 am - Summer

"A friend is somebody you can trust and be more like yourself around, and that's another reason I feel like I need them. I don't like superficial relationships, and I rarely know how to act with these people who aren't really my friends and don't care about me. They never want to talk about anything "deep" as they call it. If I analyze something to try to understand it better they say I am thinking about it too hard. It's an exhaustion just being around these people and trying to act "normal" which seems like a waste of time anyway.
Because of this, unfortunately, even when I do make friends I have to hold back a certain amount and not relax entirely. I find myself being afraid that if I do really let go, they will realize they don't like me."
Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:01 pm- grendel

Humans are obsessed with having whatever they can't have. And aspies are humans too.

Hmmn, for me its... the closest to me are those pursuing music with me (band mates, my brothers) because there is nothing that can separate us, they don't care about the way I am because we all love music together...

The way its always been for me is I need one friend, who generally happens to usually be my lover, and I can't handle more than that, even with one friend I can stress so much I dont actually achieve anything.

I came to a realisation for myself the other day, I don't need friends at least in a conventional sense, I have those working with me, I have my family, and (eventually, hopefully) will have some fans following my music and where I travel with that.

The only time I ever dwell on my aspie faults or feel sad and lonely is when I'm bored. In fact the only reason I am on these boards is because I'm bored.

I'd like friends on the same wave lengh who did'nt criticise my funny ways. Well just one or two, the advent of the mobile phone was just too confusing for me, people able to ring you at different times unannounced, lots of different people connecting all the darn time.

I agree with a lot of the answers here. There also some other reasons why I would like friends. I believe that I have a lot of knowledge and wisdom, and I would like to share it with others to help people understand the world. And that's part of the Jewish mission of Tikkun Olam.

Also, I sometimes enjoy a good challenge. And people learn the most when they overcome challenges.

I don't care much about having friends, I'd prefer to have a partner, maybe.

Novelty?

I want friends but then I'm so specific I end up with none - its a catch 22. Now, I just live and accept those who accept me. No sense in worrying.

Some people judge me as mean looking or arrogant or as an as*hole, I'm sure. Hell, 5 minutes ago, I was blatantly ignored by someone who I suspect thinks I'm a pompous jerk (I say nothing, btw, I am a mute at work - I let others talk). Those who are down to earth talk to me and actually enjoy my company.

I've learned, by doing this, not to judge people by how they look and I do my DAMNEST to understand their behaviour, no matter how obnoxious or mean or whatever it is. I think I'd be a hypocrite and other way considering who *I* am.

Hm.. I'm not going to say much about in this topic other than:

All Aspies are not made the same.

because in that aspect of life (wanting friends and companionship), we are no different than NT's.



I was always told that ppl with AS want friends and relationships just like everyone else does, but we just don't know how to interact. (not that we cant learn and atleast get half-decent at it, especially those of us with more mild cases).

I think I'm done with friends. Or least convincing myself I have them. I wouldn't mind having "aspie" friends, though.

If people talk to me, i try to respond as un-aspie as i can. As if training myself to become normal. If that results in a friendship then it is a bonus. However, i don't seek friends. I don't feel i need to make friends. Of course, i see a bunch of people together when i am on my own and wish i could have some more friends i can talk to at that moment, but it'll be a while before i have the confidence in myself to be outgoing like that.

I don't enjoy the hassle of accomodating other people's needs but I find that I do get tired of doing things on my own all the time.