28 Mar 2009, 11:05 pm
29 Mar 2009, 7:14 pm
31 Mar 2009, 1:30 pm
02 Apr 2009, 4:12 pm
I read somewhere that when you're talking face-to-face with someone you're supposed to look away and then back every four seconds, otherwise you're sending the message that either you fancy them or you're mad at them. Well, I can't handle that; it's much too distracting. I stare steadily at people's faces when I'm talking face-to-face with them. Because I'm quite an innocuous person few people are going to take that as telegraphing either anger or lust, and it's better than looking away, which will be interpreted as rudeness. I guess mine is the epitome of a "peculiar, stiff gaze". 
I prefer not to talk face-to-face anyway, except, for obvious reasons, with the person I'm in love with.
02 Apr 2009, 4:34 pm
Oof, you're supposed to be looking away and back the whole time?
I have learned by myself people want to be looked at or they'll think you are ignoring them.
My mom always yelled if I didn't look at her, so now I frantically stare at someone's face the entire time.
But it just feels *so* freaky, like Holinyx said!
I love email and chatting online; at least it eliminates the guessing of intonation, facial expression and the eye to eye thing! 
02 Apr 2009, 8:45 pm
Looking people in the eye while talking to them or listening requires a lot of concentration, almost so much that it takes my mind off the actual conversation. Having a conversation 1 on 1 is hard enough without having to worry whether or not the other person thinks I'm not interested, bored, or whatever. I think the problem comes from the fact that when I look people in the eye, I feel like I'm staring at the person. Since I hate being stared at, I must be just trying to return the favor by not staring at anyone else. If I can talk to someone while working on a computer, or looking at some piece of paper we're discussing, it is much easier. But if you're stuck in a situation with nothing to do but look at the other person (worst case: job interview!) it's rough. I find my eyes darting to the wall behind them, the table, etc. When listening, it's easier to make eye contact, but when I have to talk back, I find it harder to look at them. Probably a combination of the increased level of concentration required while talking, and the low self-esteem.
Another awkward situation that happens frequently at work is walking down a long hallway, when someone you know is coming from the other end. What are you supposed to do? You can't say hi until you are close, but you can't just stare at them for 30 seconds while walking towards each other. No matter what I do, I always look at the floor, or the wall. I can manage a quick glance and a "hey" as we pass, but that's it.
I know this is a common Aspie trait, so I'd be intersted to hear how others cope with this problem.
The creator of this website mentioned a technique he used to make it seem as if he was looking people in the eye. I think what he did was slghtly look away with his eyes, but not enough to make it seem as if he was doing it and could still somewhat see the persons eyes. as for waling in the halls sometimes I just look straight forward or if I walk by a random persons and happen to look at them out of curiosity I quickly avert the gaze of y eyes. some people nod or wave. I think the average person does not care as long as you show them sign of recognition. I would recommend not making direct eye contact. Their are even so called average people that feel uncomfortable doing it due to feeling pain in their eyes afterwards. direct eye contact is actually not common in countries in Japan. There it is seen as disrespectful. Maybe one reason socializing can be frustrating is that people seem to tink of it as rules when they are really just norms. More specifically the rules can be broken and people usually create what is comfortable for them. Maybe if you really do not mind you can give a reason to your friend for why you feel uncomfortable doig what you have posted about. You do not have to tellhim about aspergers, etc inorder to do so. My father said that larning to interact with other people is a trial and error experience.
02 Apr 2009, 8:51 pm
I have learned by myself people want to be looked at or they'll think you are ignoring them.
My mom always yelled if I didn't look at her, so now I frantically stare at someone's face the entire time.
But it just feels *so* freaky, like Holinyx said!
I love email and chatting online; at least it eliminates the guessing of intonation, facial expression and the eye to eye thing!
I do not want to makeyour life ore confusing, but there are many different approaches to interacting depending on the coutrny you live in. Japan and the US have very different approaches. There are also more extraverted (pople that thrive on social interaction, get tired when being alone) and introverted (people that prefer to spend time alone and get tired when interacting with people for too long or being around too many people) approaches to communication as well.
03 Apr 2009, 8:35 am
03 Apr 2009, 11:31 am
Hi Matsuiny2004,
I am guessing you live in Japan? The country with probably the best defined social rules in my opinion. I hear you can even get big books with all the rules there!
I live in the Netherlands myself, and my mom would always yell at me when I did not look her in the eye.
I have not received any complaints on the fact that I gaze too much, but maybe I am missing out on a lot of subtle body language queues.
But anyway, it is very true that these rules differ a lot per country, even the NT's notice that and write about it on sites/books.
03 Apr 2009, 3:37 pm
I am guessing you live in Japan? The country with probably the best defined social rules in my opinion. I hear you can even get big books with all the rules there!
I live in the Netherlands myself, and my mom would always yell at me when I did not look her in the eye.
I have not received any complaints on the fact that I gaze too much, but maybe I am missing out on a lot of subtle body language queues.
But anyway, it is very true that these rules differ a lot per country, even the NT's notice that and write about it on sites/books.
Actually I live in the US
, but I have read a book on japanese customs which is how I know that. Here I just guess, although I have a hypothesis tha a person could figure out the customs of subcultures here and have a better understanding of what people are attempting to convey non verbally.
Last edited by matsuiny2004 on 03 Apr 2009, 4:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
03 Apr 2009, 3:50 pm
When I was starting to feel as if I was "starring" I asked the person I was talking with.
It typically went something like this: "Hey, quick question"
other person: "Yea?"
: "I feel like I am staring, am I making too much eye contact?"
And then they will let you know...
The funny part is when you begin to realize how incredibly respectful it actually is to make direct eye contact. The most flattering thing a person can do, it shows 100% interest in what the other person has to say. according to some body language books I have read, this is because when we make direct eye contact, we also pick up what the other persons lips are saying when they move...
Just keep working on it, and don't get down on yourself. Everyone starts somewhere
-Zane
03 Apr 2009, 6:04 pm
03 Apr 2009, 7:40 pm
03 Apr 2009, 7:53 pm
08 Apr 2009, 3:50 pm
19 May 2009, 3:56 am
