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Why do so many aspies want friends?

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etg1701
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31 Jan 2007, 11:17 am

Quote:
I know that most literature on AS stipulates that most aspies strive to make friends. I still have to ask, however ... Why? Why do so many of you want friends? And why do so many of you complain that you can't make friends?

My motto is ... don't. It's not worth it. I know that may sound negative to some, but I can't help it. I know some desire some sort of friendship, but if it hurts that bad to interact ... why bother?

We have our obsessions. We have our interests. What else matters?

I'm not saying that you should be rude. I'm not even saying about speaking with coworkers. If someone thinks you're weird, then so be it. I don't care. Why should most of us care?

I hear a lot of people complaining about how they can't maintain good relationships. If you can, that's one thing. Sure, go for it. But, if you have so many problems, why is making friends or relationships so important to you?

I have learned a long time ago that people are a nuisance. They get too emotional, and then I get too emotional. If I were to have a relationship, I can see myself the first time money became an issue. My spouse would get upset, and then I'd flip my lid. Then, she would feel threatened by my meltdowns or whatever, and that would be the end of it. Maybe if I could get a spouse that would accept me for who I am, but even an aspie relationship probably would have the same impact. I get too irritable, too tense and too emotional.

People, even aspie types, aren't truly structured beings. There's all these things in life that make things so unstructured, and that could be bills, whatever. I'm fine if I have to handle these things myself, because I know what I'm doing. Someone else may have different plans. Or, if I need help, I can seek help. Someone else may second guess that. None of this is worth it.

Why bother making friends?


Simple answer: The basis of a good and well-lived life is to be found in friendship and contribution to the community.

Longer answer: Humans evolved an instinct for friendship millions of years ago because mutual aid between friends helped our ancestors survive when, for example, one person couldn't find food and needed to borrow some. If you tried that with a stranger, it wouldn't work, but if you had a friend who knew you could be counted on to help them if they needed it, they would be more likely to help you. In fact, if this process of friendship hadn't evolved, autistics wouldn't even stand a chance of survival as society would simply see no obligation to support us. So balk at friendship and other people if you must, but do remember that while you're focused on your fixations, your family, society, and so forth are working to sustain you.



Leporidae
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10 Feb 2007, 9:52 pm

Aeturnus wrote:
I know that most literature on AS stipulates that most aspies strive to make friends. I still have to ask, however ... Why? Why do so many of you want friends? And why do so many of you complain that you can't make friends?

My motto is ... don't. It's not worth it. I know that may sound negative to some, but I can't help it. I know some desire some sort of friendship, but if it hurts that bad to interact ... why bother?

We have our obsessions. We have our interests. What else matters?

I'm not saying that you should be rude. I'm not even saying about speaking with coworkers. If someone thinks you're weird, then so be it. I don't care. Why should most of us care?

I hear a lot of people complaining about how they can't maintain good relationships. If you can, that's one thing. Sure, go for it. But, if you have so many problems, why is making friends or relationships so important to you?

I have learned a long time ago that people are a nuisance. They get too emotional, and then I get too emotional. If I were to have a relationship, I can see myself the first time money became an issue. My spouse would get upset, and then I'd flip my lid. Then, she would feel threatened by my meltdowns or whatever, and that would be the end of it. Maybe if I could get a spouse that would accept me for who I am, but even an aspie relationship probably would have the same impact. I get too irritable, too tense and too emotional.

People, even aspie types, aren't truly structured beings. There's all these things in life that make things so unstructured, and that could be bills, whatever. I'm fine if I have to handle these things myself, because I know what I'm doing. Someone else may have different plans. Or, if I need help, I can seek help. Someone else may second guess that. None of this is worth it.

Why bother making friends?

- Ray M -


Simple, we bother becuse we can, and we want to. Why I choose to try to make friends, especiily with non-aspie people, is becuse I wish to find out what's going on their little minds and help aid me by using techniques that they use to get pass problems that I have as a Aspie. I also do it becuse it's interesting finding out how a mind works and what they think. Although, it's possible that alot of teens have the same feelings as me. And that is probibly why they gossip so much. I don't gossip, however. I store the info in my mind as they interact with me and compare it to my own thoughts. I might also be able to apeal to a wider range of people this way too by doing this. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I don't consider this using them, however. I have much more resonds to hang out with them. I also hang out with them becuse I want to share my own opinions, help them out if I'm in a good mood, and have something to do if I'm bored. I dought if me or any other teens have much of a resond for friends other then what I already said. That's just how hormone-pumped people work these days I suppose. But then again, nothing goses exactly as expected. Ah well . . .



Graelwyn
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12 Feb 2007, 1:58 am

I spend almost 100% of my time alone. It is partly by choice, partly through being unable to meet people easily. I find that at times, especially when I am depressed, I get terribly desperate to have someone to share things with... just watch a movie with occasionally, maybe go for a walk with, have an in depth conversation with. But that is all it could be as I get very resentful and drained if I spend long periods of time in others company. Xmas is hell as I prefer to retreat into my room but it is expected that I spend time with family. So, in a way it is a paradox. I crave a special friendship, yet often find myself resenting the demands of it when it is there.



Citizen_kane
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13 Feb 2007, 5:59 pm

Yes, that is quite the paradox there. Genetically created such that friendship is an irritating process, and yet it is still coded in us that friendship is necessary, as we are social animals. I can't go against my basic nature...either accepting my ineptness or fighting back are both artificial means of "solving" the problem, but artificial solutions and me have a history of failure, just because they never last, and my head starts to hurt after 3 hours of using them. After taking a course in chinese philosophy, and after plenty of self-reflection, naturalism (your basic character) seems to be the only way forward, and yet i find in myself different forms of naturalism, or maybe they are just my skewed mental interpretations.

Regardless, I believe this is a problem that can be solved through heavy psychological analysis, and some degree of social conditioning. It may be very difficult, and may use an artificial process, but at least it is a means to a natural solution, rather than being a purely artificial state of mind, which would make me completely alien to myself, which is unacceptable. Maybe if i push myself into situations in which i must communicate, i will be forced to fight my anxieties..those which make me freeze at the most irritating moments, right in the middle of conversation - i can't think, or speak.

I think everyone has the capability to be social...everyone's told a good joke or had a good sense of humour at least once in their life. If you can find that again, and find some way to create that more of the time (through natural means, of course), then success is achievable. Asperger's may not be a disease, but it certainly has negative aspects - i don't think i'll ever stop until i've destroyed them, and honestly, i think i've removed most of my difficulties, and i didn't even realize i had asperger's until a week ago (which was actually a relief! now i'm not just using "weird" as an excuse for my problems..i have a legitimate problem, not that it affects how hard i will continue to try)

so yeah, good luck all!


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