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We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Summer_Twilight
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13 Jul 2018, 3:17 pm

Here is a video that I am watching

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR23MmKTbn4



Shroom22
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21 Jul 2018, 6:18 pm

For most of my life I've greatly enjoyed the prospects of long term solitude. I don't hate my friends though there are times when I get sick and tired of their bs legit.


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Sam31
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25 Jul 2018, 12:11 pm

Kind of agree there.

Relationships have been a bit of luck for me, which initially formed based on looks as i'm not that bad looking. I used what I had learned and the fact I could grow to be a bit comfortable around them over time. No matter how comfortable I felt though, I always found it so tough when they went into deep conversation about something or spoke loads about their work and things like that.

Friendships though.... nah.... I think it isn't even down to me but people who are the problem.....

Too many people find symptoms funny or consider people who seem a bit different as weird and not worthy.

I'v been there too many times, from a girl serving at a coffee shop who thought me breaking eye contact to process what she just said was funny (she was laughing and not in a good way as she chuckled to her mates after about me being a weirdo) to people at a pub getting angry with me thinking i'm being patronising.

Friendships feel like a losing battle because it isn't based on liking my looks or the clothes I wear. It's about the social skills.

First impressions always count as well. No normal person thinks "He seemed like a weirdo, but let's give him another chance". It's nearly always that 1 shot chance and if it's blown, that's it.



Asbergian
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26 Jul 2018, 5:13 am

As for me, as an Asbergian I don't really want friends. They are too much hard work. Exhausting actually. Would be perfectly happy with regular online chats, sharing interesting stuff. I think it's okay not to have that sort of intense relationship that is considered essential by others, that is just not our style. I think we need to do friending differently. :idea:



rick42
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26 Jul 2018, 12:10 pm

Asbergian wrote:
As for me, as an Asbergian I don't really want friends. They are too much hard work. Exhausting actually. Would be perfectly happy with regular online chats, sharing interesting stuff. I think it's okay not to have that sort of intense relationship that is considered essential by others, that is just not our style. I think we need to do friending differently. :idea:


I agree to a extent.We don't need a intense relationship(meaning anything that's beyond acquaintances).I wouldn't say so much it's much work as I would say that we are simply not capable to having such relationships due to our lack of social skills.I believe we as Aspies/Autistic people should stop trying to make friends/romantic relationships becasue it's going fail a lot more times than not.



rick42
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26 Jul 2018, 1:03 pm

AprilR wrote:
I think that we shouldn't force relationships (of any kind) as in we shouldn't chase after people who don't want us. But if someone wants to be friends we should try meet their needs too. If someone is being considerate to me it's only fair for me to act the same to them.



Personally we as Aspies shouldn't try to make friends or anything beyond a average acquaintances. It's usually, if not always ends with people rejecting us.Our brains think far differently than anyone else(including people with other neurological disabilities) to point where while it would essential for everyone else to have atleast 1 friend or a romantic partner while we as Aspies/Autistics don't need any friends/romantic partner or simply can't make friends/relationships due the lack of natural social skills.We as Aspies are truly like the "lone wolf".



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26 Jul 2018, 1:14 pm

I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.



rick42
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26 Jul 2018, 1:53 pm

Magna wrote:
I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.



I'm not very sure that it's a common belief that all humans need or crave human interactions. Certain conditions,such as Autism/Asperger's effects social skills so much to the point where relationships beyond acquaintances are very difficult if not impossible,and to the point where friendships/romantic relationships are actually not needed becasue of the inability to make friends/romantic relationships, due to social difficulties. In many ways,that actually makes us Aspies superior compared to NT people(including NT people with other Neurological conditions).



Sahn
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26 Jul 2018, 2:10 pm

Give up if you like, I'll never stop trying.



Magna
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26 Jul 2018, 3:30 pm

Another thing I have issues with in regard to social interaction:

I'm TOTALLY for anyone (ASD or not) who has difficulty with social interaction and desires to work to become better at those things in order to interact more with others to be able to reach such a goal. Working at getting better with communicating with people (eye contact, non-verbal cues, etc) so they can expand their "circle of friends" or whatever.

What if I don't care about expanding my "circle of friends"? Is there something "wrong" with me? What if I'm happy with my life as it is and I'm tired of trying to maintain the effort to "master social skills" because that's what people are supposed to do?

It irks me that there seems to be a prevailing idea in culture that if a person is not adept at social interaction that they're broken and should be "fixed" otherwise they won't be happy. I say WRONG. I don't think I'm broken and I don't think I need to be fixed and I find value in how I experience life. Life to me is full of ups, downs and everything in between. It's an amalgamation of: good, bad and ugly, wonderful and terrible, happiness and contentment, pain and suffering. depression and elation, accomplishment and failure, on and on and on.... I'm content generally with statis as a constant.



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26 Jul 2018, 4:21 pm

rick42 wrote:
Magna wrote:
I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.



I'm not very sure that it's a common belief that all humans need or crave human interactions. Certain conditions,such as Autism/Asperger's effects social skills so much to the point where relationships beyond acquaintances are very difficult if not impossible,and to the point where friendships/romantic relationships are actually not needed becasue of the inability to make friends/romantic relationships, due to social difficulties. In many ways,that actually makes us Aspies superior compared to NT people(including NT people with other Neurological conditions).


We are not superior to NTs. It’s not an “us” versus “them” scenario. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some Aspies like to be social, and even though they probably struggle, they work hard to make friends and succeed. Having a support system is a positive thing.

Many Aspies on this site have friendships and are even married.


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Magna
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26 Jul 2018, 4:28 pm

I don't think I'm superior for not feeling defective for not having a burning desire to make new friends just as I don't think anyone should think I'm inferior for not having a desire to make new friends to interact with face to face. That's my point.



TwilightPrincess
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26 Jul 2018, 4:34 pm

Magna wrote:
I don't think I'm superior for not feeling defective for not having a burning desire to make new friends just as I don't think anyone should think I'm inferior for not having a desire to make new friends to interact with face to face. That's my point.


I agree with you.

I’m also less social than most people, and I’m fine with that.

We’re all different (not superior or inferior), and there’s nothing wrong with that.


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rick42
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26 Jul 2018, 7:06 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
rick42 wrote:
Magna wrote:
I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.



I'm not very sure that it's a common belief that all humans need or crave human interactions. Certain conditions,such as Autism/Asperger's effects social skills so much to the point where relationships beyond acquaintances are very difficult if not impossible,and to the point where friendships/romantic relationships are actually not needed becasue of the inability to make friends/romantic relationships, due to social difficulties. In many ways,that actually makes us Aspies superior compared to NT people(including NT people with other Neurological conditions).


We are not superior to NTs. It’s not an “us” versus “them” scenario. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some Aspies like to be social, and even though they probably struggle, they work hard to make friends and succeed. Having a support system is a positive thing.

Many Aspies on this site have friendships and are even married.


There's no such thing as actual social Aspie. Socializing is a NT(non AS/Autisitc thing) and we don't have the natural social skills to be social like that.The biggest part of having AS/ASD is the lack of social skills.No matter how hard we as Aspies work on our social skills,our social skills always be far worse than anyone else to the point it will still be extremely difficult if not close to impossible to make friendships.In a way we are superior compared to NT'S(non AS/ASD people)because we don't need romantic relationships or friendships unlike everyone else(including people with other Neurological conditions).Also far as NT'S themselves,NT'S (including NT'S with other Neurological conditions) depend so much on socializing and they hate Aspies. They also bully Aspies very often.Overall,I don't like NT people



Last edited by rick42 on 26 Jul 2018, 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TwilightPrincess
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26 Jul 2018, 7:20 pm

rick42 wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
rick42 wrote:
Magna wrote:
I'm almost 50 and aside from my wife, sister and Dad I have no real friends and haven't for the last 17 years.

I had a group of friends in high school, a merry band of misfits we, and then retained about four of those friends onward, some of whom became roommates in college, etc. Two of them remained good friends and then just one and then I moved away and then....none.

I've been very busy the last 17 years with holding down a job, a marriage and for the last 12, a family.

I've never really had a strong desire during this time to form new friendships. I'm not entirely sure why. Time is the biggest thing I guess. It's all I can do to juggle the work, married and home life and try to be even remotely successful at the three. I really don't think I'd feel all that differently if I were single and without kids since chatting occasionally with co-workers and interacting with strangers in public (e.g. grocery store, etc) seemed to be plenty of human interaction for me when I was a single adult. My solitary activities gave me far more enjoyment for the most part as they did all the way back to preschool when I apparently only wanted to play with blocks and toys by myself with NO desire to play with others.

It seems to be that a common belief is that ALL humans need and crave human interaction or they wither and die. I'm not sure that's true.



I'm not very sure that it's a common belief that all humans need or crave human interactions. Certain conditions,such as Autism/Asperger's effects social skills so much to the point where relationships beyond acquaintances are very difficult if not impossible,and to the point where friendships/romantic relationships are actually not needed becasue of the inability to make friends/romantic relationships, due to social difficulties. In many ways,that actually makes us Aspies superior compared to NT people(including NT people with other Neurological conditions).


We are not superior to NTs. It’s not an “us” versus “them” scenario. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some Aspies like to be social, and even though they probably struggle, they work hard to make friends and succeed. Having a support system is a positive thing.

Many Aspies on this site have friendships and are even married.


There's no such thing as actual social Aspie. Socializing is a NT(non AS/Autisitc thing) and we don't have the natural social skills to be social like that.The biggest part of having AS/ASD is the lack of social skills.No matter how hard we as Aspies work on our social skills,our social skills always be far worse than anyone else to the point it will still be extremely difficult if not close to impossible to make friendships.In a way we are superior compared to NT'S(non AS/ASD people)because we don't need romantic relationships or friendships unlike everyone else(including people with other Neurological conditions).


You are wrong. There are social, outgoing Aspies. They like and want to have friends, but they struggle with social skills. A person can be outgoing and lack social skills just like a person can be reserved and have social skills. Autism does not necessarily mean a person will be unsociable with no friends or romantic partners.

Many on this site have been diagnosed with autism and are married.

Those of us who don’t desire friendships are not superior to NTs. It’s just a difference.


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whatamievendoing
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27 Jul 2018, 3:15 am

rick42 wrote:
There's no such thing as actual social Aspie. Socializing is a NT(non AS/Autisitc thing) and we don't have the natural social skills to be social like that.The biggest part of having AS/ASD is the lack of social skills.No matter how hard we as Aspies work on our social skills,our social skills always be far worse than anyone else to the point it will still be extremely difficult if not close to impossible to make friendships.


Quit spouting nonsense.

I'm not denying the fact that people on the autism spectrum tend to be less proficient in socializing as opposed to NTs, but that doesn't mean that we should give up on our desires to have friends or partners. I for one accept that I'm not a social butterfly, but I still have at least two amazing friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything. It can be hard, sure, but impossible? Far from it.


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