Board index › Coping in life › Social Skills and Making Friends

I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

Page 6 of 14 [ 213 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 ... 14  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Zeldabrown
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 27 Aug 2022
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

27 Aug 2022, 9:29 am

I have just recently been diagnosed and I'm 53 years old!

I've had the same thing happen to me my whole life. I finally got fed up with people and started being a hermit.

I did manage to find an amazing man and he's made the past 7 years better, but I miss having a female friend to hang out with. My husband tells me I'm "too intense", and it scares people; But I have no idea how I'm doing this. I don't stare unblinkingly or grab someone's shoulders and start screaming at them. It's beyond me.

I'm sad that I got diagnosed so late in life because I think things would have been much more manageable. I would understand the reason why a person doesn't want to talk to me about aliens endlessly. I'm a weird old lady! LOL



SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

27 Aug 2022, 11:50 am

KitLily wrote:
I suppose I'm just tired of trying and trying and trying and not getting anywhere. I thought I had 2 good friends locally but they have disappeared.

And tired of thinking friendships are going well then suddenly being told, 'I hate you because you said XYZ' and me not having a clue what they are talking about. It so often seems I said 'something awful' a few months ago and now the 'friend' hates me for it. They rarely tell me what I'm supposed to have said, and if they do, it's always a misunderstanding. But it's too late by then. I've been written out of their lives.

I think I'm going to follow Cyberdad and KraftieKortie's philosophy and keep people at a distance.


I know what you mean (being criticized for a misunderstanding, which they took out of context). Even worse is when: Not only do they misunderstand you; they even go as far as putting words in your mouth.



SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

27 Aug 2022, 11:55 am

Zeldabrown wrote:
I have just recently been diagnosed and I'm 53 years old!

I've had the same thing happen to me my whole life. I finally got fed up with people and started being a hermit.

I did manage to find an amazing man and he's made the past 7 years better, but I miss having a female friend to hang out with. My husband tells me I'm "too intense", and it scares people; But I have no idea how I'm doing this. I don't stare unblinkingly or grab someone's shoulders and start screaming at them. It's beyond me.

I'm sad that I got diagnosed so late in life because I think things would have been much more manageable. I would understand the reason why a person doesn't want to talk to me about aliens endlessly. I'm a weird old lady! LOL


Those of us on the spectrum are known to hold a more intense interest in a certain topic (in your case, aliens) compared to the average person.

Yet there are some cases where you have to give a somewhat detailed explanation of something for the story to make sense. Even in these cases, however, I've had people tell me "There was no need for the long intro. You could have gotten right to the punchline." Then I think to myself "But the punchline wouldn't make sense unless I give you the intro"



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,449
Location: New York City (Queens)

27 Aug 2022, 1:40 pm

KitLily wrote:
And tired of thinking friendships are going well then suddenly being told, 'I hate you because you said XYZ' and me not having a clue what they are talking about. It so often seems I said 'something awful' a few months ago and now the 'friend' hates me for it. They rarely tell me what I'm supposed to have said, and if they do, it's always a misunderstanding. But it's too late by then. I've been written out of their lives.

Alas, even within the autistic community, there are people who will discard friendships abruptly due to silly misunderstandings like this.

But hopefully most of us can make a commitment to being more patient with misunderstandings. IMO, being willing to work out misunderstandings is especially important among autistic people!


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.


KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

28 Aug 2022, 7:15 am

Zeldabrown wrote:
I have just recently been diagnosed and I'm 53 years old!

I've had the same thing happen to me my whole life. I finally got fed up with people and started being a hermit.

I did manage to find an amazing man and he's made the past 7 years better, but I miss having a female friend to hang out with. My husband tells me I'm "too intense", and it scares people; But I have no idea how I'm doing this. I don't stare unblinkingly or grab someone's shoulders and start screaming at them. It's beyond me.

I'm sad that I got diagnosed so late in life because I think things would have been much more manageable. I would understand the reason why a person doesn't want to talk to me about aliens endlessly. I'm a weird old lady! LOL


Me too! I'm 53, I was diagnosed last year. I'm moving towards being a hermit, living entirely in my imagination. Which is good because I'm a novel editor!

I've also got an amazing man but no female friends. He has no idea why I haven't got friends though, he has no solution.

My daughter was diagnosed at 15, she has been given a lot of help thank goodness.

But no help for me. Just 'look up these websites.' :shrug:


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

28 Aug 2022, 7:17 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
I know what you mean (being criticized for a misunderstanding, which they took out of context). Even worse is when: Not only do they misunderstand you; they even go as far as putting words in your mouth.


Oh you are on my wavelength!

They say 'you said, XYZ' and I think 'did I? Did I say that?' and get confused. Because unlike them, I don't mentally or physically record everything I say and use it against other people later on!

I think that is what some people do. They somehow remember exactly every conversation, mull over it and twist it around in their heads.

I don't do that. I have a life :lol:


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

28 Aug 2022, 7:20 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
KitLily wrote:
And tired of thinking friendships are going well then suddenly being told, 'I hate you because you said XYZ' and me not having a clue what they are talking about. It so often seems I said 'something awful' a few months ago and now the 'friend' hates me for it. They rarely tell me what I'm supposed to have said, and if they do, it's always a misunderstanding. But it's too late by then. I've been written out of their lives.

Alas, even within the autistic community, there are people who will discard friendships abruptly due to silly misunderstandings like this.

But hopefully most of us can make a commitment to being more patient with misunderstandings. IMO, being willing to work out misunderstandings is especially important among autistic people!


I try to be patient, but when a person either cuts me off or calls me 'evil', it's difficult.

I'm not sure how I would address this anyway. 'You seem to be drifting away from me, was it something I said?' Opening myself up to all sorts of accusations.

'I think you've misunderstood me. What I meant was...' But I can't remember the conversation so I don't know :?

It's so difficult. I tend to just let people go when they turn on me.

btw Mona Pereth you are such a helpful person :D


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

28 Aug 2022, 10:50 am

KitLily wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
KitLily wrote:
And tired of thinking friendships are going well then suddenly being told, 'I hate you because you said XYZ' and me not having a clue what they are talking about. It so often seems I said 'something awful' a few months ago and now the 'friend' hates me for it. They rarely tell me what I'm supposed to have said, and if they do, it's always a misunderstanding. But it's too late by then. I've been written out of their lives.

Alas, even within the autistic community, there are people who will discard friendships abruptly due to silly misunderstandings like this.

But hopefully most of us can make a commitment to being more patient with misunderstandings. IMO, being willing to work out misunderstandings is especially important among autistic people!


I try to be patient, but when a person either cuts me off or calls me 'evil', it's difficult.

I'm not sure how I would address this anyway. 'You seem to be drifting away from me, was it something I said?' Opening myself up to all sorts of accusations.

'I think you've misunderstood me. What I meant was...' But I can't remember the conversation so I don't know :?

It's so difficult. I tend to just let people go when they turn on me.

btw Mona Pereth you are such a helpful person :D


On your last post, you said we're totally on the same wavelength. This latest post (the one I'm replying to) is all the more evidence we're on the same wavelength.

I can totally relate to getting called evil, getting cut off when I try to get a word in, etc



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

29 Aug 2022, 8:25 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I try to be patient, but when a person either cuts me off or calls me 'evil', it's difficult.

I'm not sure how I would address this anyway. 'You seem to be drifting away from me, was it something I said?' Opening myself up to all sorts of accusations.

'I think you've misunderstood me. What I meant was...' But I can't remember the conversation so I don't know :?

It's so difficult. I tend to just let people go when they turn on me.

btw Mona Pereth you are such a helpful person :D



On your last post, you said we're totally on the same wavelength. This latest post (the one I'm replying to) is all the more evidence we're on the same wavelength.

I can totally relate to getting called evil, getting cut off when I try to get a word in, etc


I wonder if it's the type of person we meet? The type who categorises others and can't cope with discussing misunderstandings and working out problems, but just makes sweeping generalisations.

I don't think I'm particularly evil at all! I've done loads of good works in life.

I think I'm a kind of Marmite person. People either love me or hate me! :lol: I definitely have some kind of 'talent' for bringing out the worst in people, for sure... :?


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

29 Aug 2022, 8:29 am

What I can't understand is, those people who have loads of friends but somehow just doesn't like me in particular. Surely if they weren't very nice people, they wouldn't have loads of friends?

So many people seem to only dislike ME, but love everyone else and everyone else loves them. It's disconcerting at best.


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

29 Aug 2022, 9:28 am

KitLily wrote:
What I can't understand is, those people who have loads of friends but somehow just doesn't like me in particular. Surely if they weren't very nice people, they wouldn't have loads of friends?

So many people seem to only dislike ME, but love everyone else and everyone else loves them. It's disconcerting at best.


Not sure.

I know this much though: The one and only time period where I had lots of friends was my freshman year of college.

I eventually found out 2 of the friends from that group didn't even like me (and they only tolerated me because we had mutual friends). Of everyone in the friend group, I was the only one they had a problem with.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

30 Aug 2022, 9:59 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
What I can't understand is, those people who have loads of friends but somehow just doesn't like me in particular. Surely if they weren't very nice people, they wouldn't have loads of friends?

So many people seem to only dislike ME, but love everyone else and everyone else loves them. It's disconcerting at best.


Not sure.

I know this much though: The one and only time period where I had lots of friends was my freshman year of college.

I eventually found out 2 of the friends from that group didn't even like me (and they only tolerated me because we had mutual friends). Of everyone in the friend group, I was the only one they had a problem with.


Sounds familiar. I'm always 'the weirdo' in any group. I'm pretty tired of it tbh. I think I'll just avoid people, I generally do anyway as I work alone at home and rarely see anyone.


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

02 Sep 2022, 8:04 am

KitLily wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
What I can't understand is, those people who have loads of friends but somehow just doesn't like me in particular. Surely if they weren't very nice people, they wouldn't have loads of friends?

So many people seem to only dislike ME, but love everyone else and everyone else loves them. It's disconcerting at best.


Not sure.

I know this much though: The one and only time period where I had lots of friends was my freshman year of college.

I eventually found out 2 of the friends from that group didn't even like me (and they only tolerated me because we had mutual friends). Of everyone in the friend group, I was the only one they had a problem with.


Sounds familiar. I'm always 'the weirdo' in any group. I'm pretty tired of it tbh. I think I'll just avoid people, I generally do anyway as I work alone at home and rarely see anyone.


I hear ya. I have a thread about how I'm happier without friends.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,074
Location: England

02 Sep 2022, 8:26 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Sounds familiar. I'm always 'the weirdo' in any group. I'm pretty tired of it tbh. I think I'll just avoid people, I generally do anyway as I work alone at home and rarely see anyone.


I hear ya. I have a thread about how I'm happier without friends.


I love my job and really I exist in the world of books and imagination now, not the real world. It's much more fun in my imagination. Lots of nice people, interesting stories and events, fun times.


_________________
That alien woman. On Earth to observe and wonder about homo sapiens.


Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,241

02 Sep 2022, 9:35 am

KitLily wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
What I can't understand is, those people who have loads of friends but somehow just doesn't like me in particular. Surely if they weren't very nice people, they wouldn't have loads of friends?

So many people seem to only dislike ME, but love everyone else and everyone else loves them. It's disconcerting at best.


Not sure.

I know this much though: The one and only time period where I had lots of friends was my freshman year of college.

I eventually found out 2 of the friends from that group didn't even like me (and they only tolerated me because we had mutual friends). Of everyone in the friend group, I was the only one they had a problem with.


Sounds familiar. I'm always 'the weirdo' in any group. I'm pretty tired of it tbh. I think I'll just avoid people, I generally do anyway as I work alone at home and rarely see anyone.


Kitlily,
1. Then those two people probably were not your friends in the first place. Rather, they probably thought they would use you for things.
2. As for always being the "Weirdo in the group." There probably isn't anything wrong with you but rather there is something wrong with them. Those people probably feel very insecure about their own issues and were probably just projecting them onto you. They are not worthy of your or your time.
3. The best place to start when finding friends is with yourself by looking at yourself in the mirror and inviting that person to be your friend.
A. You tell yourself nice things
B. You support yourself by looking at yourself in the mirror
C. Ask yourself what you two would like to do as friends that you both enjoy.
People have done this and eventually learned to love themselves which attracted the right friends.



SkinnyElephant
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Aug 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 521

02 Sep 2022, 6:48 pm

KitLily wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Sounds familiar. I'm always 'the weirdo' in any group. I'm pretty tired of it tbh. I think I'll just avoid people, I generally do anyway as I work alone at home and rarely see anyone.


I hear ya. I have a thread about how I'm happier without friends.


I love my job and really I exist in the world of books and imagination now, not the real world. It's much more fun in my imagination. Lots of nice people, interesting stories and events, fun times.


For me, the best part is only having to answer to myself.