Imagine you can finally handle people. Now, how to ENJOY it?

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I'll tell you a short version of the history of my life just to clear things up a bit.

I've been bullied in primary school. In the final class of that school, me being about 10 years old, I was getting suicidal. It was around that time that I told myself that either I would do anything to adapt and live a happier life, or quit life overall. I've been "studying" social skills ever since then, forcing myself to go to stores, forcing myself to have conversations, forcing myself to go to birthdays and parties, and so on. I've even done lots of things involing acting, taking acting lessons and playing in school plays.

But, even now I seem to be able to handle people fairly well, after eight years of hard practice and forcing myself to do all kinds of things (and failing horribly numerous times), I find myself not quite in the position I wanted to be in. Sure, I can nowadays generally prevent myself from saying idiotic things or making stupid mistakes socially, and I can go to a birthday party as long as I can give myself some rest the next day, but what did it earn me?

Because I am still not ENJOYING having a (empty) conversation. Not ENJOYING being at some birthday party. I'd rather just stay at home with the things I trust, than going out there and find myself in the middle of... well, chaos. So even if you do manage to govern quite some social skills, how the HELL are you supposed to ENJOY social interaction?

In other words: ARE WE DOOMED?

Yes, probably. We're just boned, OK?

There's a distinction between being bad at something, and not being wired to enjoy it. Almost any skill area can be improved, but what drives the improvement? How is the improvement maintained? Behavior is reinforced through pleasure responses. Your attempts to socialize may come across as coerced or fake if you're not truly enjoying it.

Some people are energized with being around people, and really enjoy it. These people tend to spend a lot of time around a lot of people, and they have good social skills. Other people, like me, get tired around even small groups of familiar people, and get overwhelmed and blinded in crowds. Either you're wired for it or you're not. If you can get any pleasure out of interacting with people, it will most likely be with a few, try to find those. My tendency is to resist people, until something snaps over (I click with the person) and then I seem clingy. But even when I am with a person I really like, I get tired easily, struggle to pay attention, and even sometimes begin to stim unknowingly until I catch myself doing it. My hands do weird things sometimes if I'm not paying attention to them.

Sgrannel, I am in the same boats as you. I did my social test in the us army, was a 7 year paratrooper. So glad to be out!! ! I did good till I HAD to go to board for promotion. I just ended up insulting the CSM of my base.

I was having the same feelings (still?) so I decided that I feel happy just by knowing how good I can cope (could) with it if forced to, but isolating me so I can enjoy the things I like to enjoy, reading, or nothing, or everything, but alone and in my safe place.

you have to find the perfect balance

I am impressed by the hard work you have done. Now the trick is to find people you can do one on one stuff with. I have found for me the most reliable way to get together with somebody is to ask them to go to a movie with me.
I did that last week and we saw the movie UP. We laughed at all the same places. Then afterward we talked about our grandchildren and our two daughters who thoroughly screwed themselves but think they are doing just fine. And I gave her a book about overcoming PTSD as a couple. It was good.

I know the feeling. My social skills are okay, but I don't enjoy socializing in general. I think of it as a chore. It's a lot of work for me; I have to listen to other people, think of appropriate things to say, make and maintain eye contact, attempt to read body language, try to appear relaxed and friendly, and filter out background noise. It's stressful, exhausting, and not fun. Occasionally I do meet people I like to talk to sometimes, but I still prefer being alone. I hope you make a friend who you genuinely enjoy talking to. I agree with lelia about going to a movie. At movies, you can spend time with someone without actually talking much.

Thanks for your replies. And if I sound confusing or anything, it's probably because of my English. It's not my mother language, but I'm doing my best to make clear to you what I'm trying to say.

Well, the point I was trying to make...

I mean, all these topics with questions about how to successfully socialize, I was wondering, where are they headed? I mean sure, if it's so bad you're losing your job or you don't even dare going to the supermarket and end up not eating for two weeks, then yeah, you really should force yourself to go out and do it and fail at it 100 times in order to learn.

But where does adapting stop? I was suprised that I didn't find any other topics about this - or I just missed them, if so, sorry - all I could find were topics about how to deal with numerous of different social situations, and people willing to adapt but not knowing how.

Dianitapilla hits the spot I think, , "You have to find the perfect balance.". The perfect balance between adapting to the point where you can function "normally", without pushing yourself so far that you'll get all stressed.

"ARE WE DOOMED?" is me exaggerating, and kind of a joke. By the way.