Guys don't want to be friends once they find out I have a BF

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And I'm not just talking about new guy friends, either....some of these people I've known for years. I don't freakin get it. When I started seeing my current BF, a few of my friends (males) very obviously changed their tone with me, either being a lot LESS friendly when out with groups, or avoiding being around me all together. And when it comes to meeting new males....well, a lot of them are really REALLY friendly, till they find out I have a boyfriend, then....the cold shoulder.

I am NOT looking to cheat on my boyfriend, even IF we haven't been having the smoothest relationship. Cheating disgusts me. But the reality is, I don't have an easy time making friends, mostly cos these days, I'm really bored by most of the people interested in getting to know me. I also overall prefer the company of men (pretty much the only women I've found myself becoming friends with have been Aspies), because our interests are usually more similar, and there's not as much gossip and backtalk going on in a group of mostly men.

This all was set off, by the way, by a really NICE, FUNNY, and SMART person I met recently, who stopped talking to me entirely after making one sarcastic comment about my boyfriend in a conversation that *I* thought was totally innocuous. It was after the fact that I realised why he probably did that.

I really don't blame them. I had a friend who once she started dating some other guy, call me and say, we can't be friends anymore because I have a BF, it wouldn't look right. I was years with her for about 5 years before and even dated briefly. I had no romantic feelings for her after we broke up and quite frankly, things were better that way. Until the other guy came along.

it's stupid, isn't it? I've had the same problem too: my current bf (started off as a friend) started ignoring me when I went out with my ex: once we broke up, he was there for me like nothing had happened (he admitted later on that he was jealous) and although he's a great bf now, seeing that side of him didn't impress me very much.

Now my ex has found out I'm seeing somebody else, he's gone from 'you're my closest friend' to all angry and upset (wouldn't mind so much, but he dumped me, although he's now claiming otherwise).

Another of my friends usually acts a lot cooler when he knows I have a bf too, although we still talk to one another at least.

In fact, the only guy who is pretty much a constant friend is one whom I used to fancy, but never had feelings for me: at the time I was gutted, but these days it's a relief!

It seems that most guys are only friends with girls if they wouldn't mind going out with them (there are exceptions though). Once the girl is 'taken', they lose interest and focus on someone else. It's one of the reasons I want to make more female friends these days.

Lots of similarities here....my current boyfriend started out as a friend as well, though his feelings about me when we were friends DID change a bit depending on whether I was seeing anyone or not (despite the fact that he was seeing people, and even LIVING with someone at that point). Also, the only 2 constant male friends I've managed to keep over the years are 2 people I used to casually sleep with....we did try to date, but they aren't relationship material and they know it, and there were some problems on my end as well. Now that the possible-romantic-relationship thing is off the table, they and I can actually maintain a friendship even now that I'm with someone, though they were both slightly bothered at first when I told them we weren't going to be sleeping together anymore.

I hear a lot of guys on here, and elsewhere, lamenting the fact that women look at them as JUST friend material and won't date them. I kind of have the opposite problem. Honestly, I'd rather have friends than boyfriends whether or not I'm single, because they last longer and while I can ALWAYS get someone to sleep with, I'm a bit too weird and fickle to make friends easily.

You haven't met me then I treat people the same way all the time. Unless something happens and I need to change it. Crisis, etc. Then I support them. I have female friends from a few countries

Maybe they feel intimidated, and think that he could be the jealous type.

We are all creatures of habit and the opposite of what you are saying is also true. Many girls stop talking to their male friends when they get a boyfriend because apparently "It wouldn't look right". If someone has already learnt that people act this way from experience, it's no wonder they'd stop talking to a friend, people like to be in control.

that's a good point. My current bf (whilst we were still friends) once lamented to me about that.

Funny, I've always found it MORE suspicious when someone I was dating stopped hanging out with certain friends once we were together. Made me wonder what their relationship with this person was really all about, and whether or not he was embarrassed to be seen with me in front of certain friends.

It's just ridiculous really how much relationships can change friendships with other people. When I started going out with my boyfriend it completely destroyed a friendship with someone we were both friends with because it turned out that he liked me and hoped things might happen.
The weirdest thing was when a guy I'd been friends with for years started going out with one of my housemates, and after that I hardly got to speak to him because whenever he came over it was to see her. It was even more interesting after they broke up and she never wanted to speak to him again.

Don't take it personally. Although men and women can form genuine platonic friendships it's the exception that proves the rule.

Most men are interested in women as potential mates. The less likely that prospect is the less effort a man will put into the relationship. It's not at all a reflection on you as a person. Really it's an evolution thing but I won't bore you by going there.

Most straight, single guys within a certain age of you who give you their attention will become more aloof if they find out that you're taken. Not speaking to you at all is a bit weird, like if they blank you out entirely, but from men overt interest of any kind in women is very often sexual interest.

When some guys are single, they have a hard time thinking of anything else but getting a girlfriend. You talking about your boyfriend in front of them is (irrational, I know) reminding them that they 'lost' and have to settle for second place friend status while your bf gets first place 'allowed to kiss you and snuggle and see you naked' status. "But a friend is different from a boyfriend!" you say. "I value them almost as much as my bf." Almost, to a single guy, just ain't enough.

So, what to do? 1) Only have guy friends with girlfriends. Trouble is, the guys who wouldn't be your friend when they were single now feel like they're not allowed to have girls as friends. Yup, it's all or nothing, sometimes. 2) Set your guy friends up on dates with your girlfriends, so they have a group member as a gf. Even if it worked, it's more trouble than you ought to go to. 3) Get your bf to be a friend too. Yeah, it's awkward at first, then sitting around with the guy having sex with you when they're not (I'm sorry, but yes, they think this way). But if he wins your friend over, he won't just think of himself as roisen's friend, he'll be roisen and roisen's BF's friend.

As I understand it, in NT, "I have a boy friend." means the same as "Lets be friends". That is, "Get away from me you rutting sub-par-male!"

Be prepared for extra aloofness if he mistook you as being a bit reciprocal. He will be offended and decide that you are a tease.



Judging by your avatar picture, if you are waiting for them to come to you, you are going to spend most of your time shooing away A LOT of rutting males. (As you said - you don't have a problem getting laid.)
The interesting people that you could be friends with, are going to be too busy diving out of the way of hopeful/disappointed male traffic in your orbit. You are going to have to start approaching them.

Perhaps your boyfriend is a douchebag? Sorry to sound like an ass, because I'm not trying to be at all, I'm just giving my opinion if I were the other male friend in that situation. The only way I would abandon a friend and not talk to them is only if the person they were with was a complete as*hole. But like I said, this is just me. Furthermore, I meant no offense...just trying to offer a simple answer.

Problably he just want sex. And when he find out you have a boyfriend and he became jealous. Many NT guys just want sex. It's in human nature after all. Ignore them and have good time with you're boyfriend. Don't make you sad for these pseudo friend

J-P