Losing ones self

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I used to live on my own and it was blissful. I would imagine all kinds of romantic fantasies in my mind and life seemed naive to the point that I could dwell in my dreams without a care in the world. I loved my own company and I would enjoy the freedom of existing independent and away from the mad world of people. But I started to date a women and thats when I got sucked into a world of misery, anxiety and many more things. Since then I have been witness to a dark world that has scared me deeply.

The thing is that what worries me is that even though I speak about this world as being so dark and bad I am afraid that it is the real world. A reality I am hoping to escape from because I think that I would just crack and become insane from having discovered. I met people who had little belief in goodness, kindness, effection, compassion and many more traits that I have always held close. I have discovered that those traits can make one vunerable and an easy target of manipulation. I have even been accused of being a deviant because of my good ways but I am not a saint and I do not pretend to be.

I have discovered that people will always try to consume power in many different ways to gain a kind of ego boast, the ego being the main thing, a thing that exists in certain people that can prove to be a strength or a weakness. Another frightening thing is that people will often say I take things to heart and that I look into things to much and I believe that those two things are my own individual qualities that make me the person I enjoy being. If other people do not take things to heart than do they have a heart and if people do not think into things enough are they ignorant to things.

I have learnt that there are people out there who delight in the misery of others and will find the most evil soul destroying things to inflict pain on others. I have learnt there are people who except that life is an hell on earth which scares me because I belive that if we see heaven on earth we will and visa versa.

The biggest thing for me though and the thread heading says it all and that is that I have allowed myself to be disolved in that negative world. I have been to good and giving and people have taken more than they could even understand. I am an artist and even my own passion as an artist as been set aside so that I could try to grasp the minds of those around me. I will be hated for caring about those people because the time as come again for me to eradicate them from my life so that I can find my true naive self again. So that my imagination may flurish. So that my solitude and deprivation of people may aid in my own self development. So I may not have to answer to those around me who demonstrate a contempt of doubt towards me. I need to cleanse myself of the rust of those minds that inflict such programmed wrong doings.

People I long to travel alone again with my dreams and in my dream worlds. I need to walk towards myself again and cast out those whom I have given so much to so that I hide away from the horrors of reality.

I wonder that those who are naive like ourselves get taken adrift by others and because of our lack of understanding in the dark complex world of human motivation that we need our own space to florish. I know that my thread is more like a blog and a journal of experience but there are questions within the tale if you look and also I hope that through my thoughts you may avoid making the same mistakes yourselves.

Nebs

That's where I am.
A too-good-for-this-world syndrome.
I can't go back to sleep once I've figured something out.
And the somethings get bigger with every crisis/break through.
I look at the evil at the everyday, ground level, and the older I get, the easier it is
to see connections to causes. The strings from forces and puppet masters above.
I see the carrot, the stick, the hand holding it, the driver, his driver, and his driver,
and his driver and his driver...
I wish I had an easy answer.

It's also where I am.

I wouldn't call it a too-good-for-this-world syndrome.

I would call it realising-the-world-is-f%$#d-and-I-don't-accept-it-has-to-be-that-way-syndrome.

Power, ego, inflicting suffering on others. All due to the down side of emptythy. Do you know you can hurt someone just by being happy and minding your own business? I'm sick because I have trouble understanding that?

I'm glad parts of my empathy system are missing, as much as it makes me stand out, and the countless problems it causes, it makes me feel like less of a freak than many "normal" people. So many horrible things accepted just because they are so prevalent. So prevalent and acceptable they become invisible. No one considers these things that destroy them and each other.

Keep this in mind - there are more realities than people. Everyone of those realities is a fantasy. Fantasies can be rejected. There are good people out there with good fantasies to share, keep looking for an oasis..

It's not empathy that you're missing.
The problem is that I have a moral base, and most people do not. Most people mindlessly follow while the predators destroy everything. Thinkers are not welcome. Whistle-blowers are not welcome.

I think the empathy holes cause us to generate these moral bases so we don't hurt people. We have to work things out with some kind of rationale, rather then just instinctively "knowing". I have no problems with the ability to empathize in many ways, but this is different to feeling empathy. Empathizing is the understanding of another person's perspective from an "I've been there and can relate" or an "I can imagine that" view. Here we are, doing that.

Someone told me about mirror neurons once. A part of empathy is when you see someone eating an ice cream and experience some or all of the sensations of eating an ice cream. Apparently this is considered normal and caused by mirror neurons going off, so most people experience parts of each others experiences by observing each other. When I watch someone eating ice cream, it is just an observation, I don't feel anything at all. Everyone else apparently does and this sort automatic feeling and understanding of other people's experiences by observation is very obvious and taken for granted by nearly everyone, as far as I can tell. This was all new information for me, at the age of 30.

Empathy has it's downsides. I know it's a tragic thing to be missing. But I don't feel hurt by looking at someone experiencing joy. I don't feel joy by looking at someone who is hurt. For this I am grateful. It doesn't mean I can't empathise. It means I have to go through understand things about people with my mind, with the information I have, rather than having their emotions immediately handed to me. I have gone and done the same damage nebulus was talking about, trying to empathise or work out these murky horrors that motivate so many people, so I could avoid it, or perhaps even find a way out for them. I can't find those things inside of me. I can't empathize with the horror of what they are. All I did was drag a heap of rust through my soul, and waste a chunk of my life. I can find people who need help in different states, and pull them out, because I have been there, and I know the ways out. It's kind of funny, but often it's next to nothing that makes a huge difference and saves someone. Like a thorn in a lions paw. But certain people I can't help. They are not in a certain place, it is just what they are. In a way it's a bad thing to know, in a way it's a good thing to know. Life is short.

Some parts of my empathy system work, and I can feel by observation very strongly. Love works. It breaks the spell just like it does in fiction. Other things get through, some pretty incredible and intense stuff, but not just by looking at someone.

Those people killed something in me, don't let them do the same to you. Just sitting in a class of over a hundred people and realizing at most maybe two or three of them had any interest in anything besides making enough money to buy a new car every year crushed my spirit. There are more of them than there are of you. Either get mad and stay mad and fight back however you can and don't even pretend to be like these worthless, materialistic, superficial leeches, or do what I did and get tired and let go of your hope and your anger and just sink.

Don't sink! You aren't alone. You're in a minority, and the majority is every bit as vicious and cold as you perceive them to be (though I doubt they see themselves so clearly), but keep up the fight anyway. You're right, and they're wrong. And you never know if some little thing that you say or do won't influence someone to see the error of their predatory ways, or at least to soften a little around the edges. It's better to be yourself and live with the hurt of that than to give in and stop fighting, and if you have to rebuild a shelter of solitude around yourself for protection, do it.

That's so much like me.
For what it's worth, we can give each other a little shelter in a place like WP.

Yes, and thank you. I for one am definately starting to feel like I've found my home planet.