New aspie, first post, needing advice and friendship

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I have been reading messages, articles, etc here for a few weeks now. I can totally relate to so much on this site, I feel like this may be the only place I've found where I belong. The title of Wrong Planet just makes so much sense. I feel ready to post something now, my first message. It is a long read... But I really need help, advice and hopefully a few people will want to become friends.

About a year ago, a now non-friend that was studying psychology, recommended to me that I get a psychiatric assessment done because of my very old behavior and that I may have Asperger's. After a year of appointments, tests, etc. It currently looks like I do, indeed, have Asperger's as well as social anxiety disorder and depression.

I've always greatly struggled with social interaction. In school I was always bullied, bugged, teased, ignored, never fitted in, never chosen for a team, being told I'm a freak, dumb, loser, hopeless, stupid, weirdo, creep, etc. People that actually did talk to me tell me that I'm cold, mean, uncaring, under/over reacting, rigid, unflexible, that I have too much or too little eye contact, walk strangely, talk strangely, do things strangely and/or in a strange order, that I work on unimportant things when I'm surrounded with important jobs, am not a team player, and that I'm just outright odd. That my hobbies/interests have no value to others and they don't care noir want to listen. I'm also getting very frustrated with being always asked and questioned, even by people I've known the longest like family, “what is wrong?”, “why so sad?”, “why so quite?”, “what is with you?”, “What are you thinking?!”, “What planet are you on/from?”, “Are you deaf?” , “Don't you hear what I just said?” etc. and just being treated like a child. I have a very hard time accepting criticism or my own mistakes. I definitely do not understand social interaction, facial expressions and body-language. I feel like people are lying, playing games and are deceitful towards me. Being around people is amongst the most stressful and mentally exhausting things there is. It wipes me right out.

As an adult, I can't hold a job (currently unemployeed, again). No matter how hard I try, at what has to be done, it is just not good enough. Overall at work I become lost as to everything I do, as something is somehow unacceptable to somebody in some way (It's to big/small, off colour, to thin/thick, to light/heavy, to soon/late, etc). I fix one problem and it just leads to another, eventually, I'm just right back at the original problem. I try harder and harder, to be more and more perfectionist, but it's just never good enough for somebody. And then I'm considered a slow and inefficient person. But if I cut corners, oh no, when for sure I'm complained at. Yet, people around me cut corners, make mistakes all the time, spend more time standing around chatting than working, and in the end they get appraised for their efficiency, job security, raises, etc. And, how in the world do people simultaneously do multiple things at once? When I have to concentrate with everything I've got to just do one task?

Another thing I just don't understand at work is when there is an issue/problem and you have 5 people explain to you the solution, in 5 different ways, and each person insists that their way is right and that they're the most senior, so you should listen to them above anyone else. But how can you?

Yeah, I get meltdowns. At work and other places. If at work, then the next day I'm phoned to not come in anymore, as I am no longer an employee here.

Since the beginning, I always knew that I was different. I always felt like an alien trapped within my own body, as well as being trapped within the human race. I feel like my soul was sent to the wrong time, place and body. Over the years, to a certain extent, I guess I was normal towards myself and that everyone else was abnormal. But now with my diagnosis, I'm struggling to accept that all these abnormal people are normal after-all and that their words, actions and attitude towards me was right all along.

Anyway, I have next to nobody that I can talk to, trust or rely on. Ever since this asperger's thing came about, I wondered about meeting other aspie's. Is anybody out there from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada? that would be interested in meeting me or for friendship? Or anybody for an e-mail, or internet friendship?

My special interests are audio and home theatre equipment, movies, TV, video games, reading, music, history, and philosophical stuff like how things came to be, where it's at and where it's going to. For movies and TV, I like sci-fi, action, thriller, supernatural, etc. The best are shows have a deeper philosophical meaning that is dark in nature and difficult to understand. I could bore people to death about audiophile or home theatre stuff about, speakers, wiring, amps, pre-amps, cd-players, and vacuum tubes! I'm always trying to improve my stereo system to get a better audio experience, that I neglect pretty much everything else. Musically, I love listening to music, and having people over to listen and talk about music and music technology with me. I find that music affects my thoughts, emotions, mind etc every deeply. The best music has a complex beat or rhythm that is changing and difficult to figure out. Same thing with lyrics. I can listen to the same CD many, many, times over, and still be affected by it. Classical music, JS Bach is the best, anyone here like the goldberg variations? If so, how many different ones do you got? Some of my favourite “new world” music groups are Bjork, Enya, Tori Amos, Sarah Brightman, Sarah Mclachlan, Garbage, Dido, NIN and european-techno-dance music.

I'm on quite a bit of medication to help with my anxiety and depression. I'm not to sure if it's very effective thou. I guess it kind of is helping to take the edges off. I don't think as much about suicide anymore. The meds are causing gaining weight when I should be losing. It's hard to eat regularly and proper when you are stressed out and feeling sick.

I've had a few meetings with the local asperger's support group. That in itself was very stressful. I had a bad headache and felt like getting sick the whole time. Doctors have told me that I really need help and fast, I can't be getting sick over stuff anymore, my stomach lining is deteriorating and esophagus is putted out. Progress is very slow at support groups and only 1 or 2 meetings a month for 1 and a half hours just isn't enough.

Anybody that can give advice on how to cope with life, stress, jobs/work, randomness, etc would be really helpful to me. How do you do it? What keeps you alive? Why? Have you figured out your own feelings and how to deal with them?

I have so much more to say/type. But don't know the reaction this, if any, will get and am stressed out about this message and other stuff already.

Well, thanks for reading. Take care.

Hi, Edlin! Welcome to WP!

Your post sure has a lot of stuff that sounds familiar! The stuff you said about work is exactly what I always experienced. I was in the military from ages 18-23, so I was employed, but I was constantly being shuffled from office to office, and being talked to about how I need to get with the program. Same thing in later jobs. Now I've been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years, so I don't get too much of that. I get a bit, though, because there are always people around who want to judge. But I almost laughed out loud at the thing you said about things being "too thick/too thin", etc. That pretty much sums it all up for me. I remember this supervisor I had who used to insist that I use a ruler/straight-edge to draw a line through items that needed to be crossed off a list. That was fine, except lining up the ruler just right took me too long, and he'd tell me I was taking too much time. So I'd try to go faster, and I'd make mistakes and cross off the wrong item (which would have consequences like the wrong airplane gets its flaps oiled, or something.) It got so I dreaded going to work because no matter how much care I put into doing a good job, someone always had a complaint about it. In fact, I got so bad that I ended up training into a different career field and tacking a couple of years onto my enlistment, because I couldn't stand it another moment. The next job I was even worse at. However, in both career fields, I completely aced the academic instruction. And of course, if you ace the academics, that means you know how to do the job, and therefore if you don't do it well that means you are lazy and have a bad attitude.

I haven't a clue how people do many things at once. Everyone else in my office would sit around arguing about whether Mustangs or Cameros are better, and yet no one ever had any complaints about their work. They also didn't seem to get nervous and shake when someone asked them a question. If an officer came into the office, I would get all nervous, because you are supposed to call them "sir" or "ma'am" when you talk to them, and I'd get all flustered about when to say it, and worry that I might say it too much. And then people would say, "What's wrong with you? Why do you get all nervous like that?" And look at each other, and roll their eyes.

So, yeah, I'm sure you'll fit in here just fine.

Oh, and the thing you said about the 5 people telling you 5 different things--YEP!! ! At least in the military you knew your chain of command like the back of your hand. In other jobs I've had, no one knew who my supervisor was. I got this job once, and was told who my supervisor was, but no one bothered telling HIM, and he could never think of anything for me to do. He was an engineer, probably AS, and had no clue what to do with me. I spend the first three months of one job watching a Donald Duck screen saver and wondering if people would ever get out of their meetings and come talk to me so I could get up the courage to ask what exactly I was supposed to do. They seemed happy to pay me for that, though, until they finally got around to hiring someone who knew how to manage a company. Then I was the first to go in some trimming.

You've got good taste in music.

Anyway, welcome to WP. It's good to have you here.

Thanks for your reply. I was involved with the military 15 years ago or so, I thought that the order, discipline, structure, common goals, uniforms, etc, would all make sense to me and help me figure out myself and life stuff, etc, but the opposite happened, I just became more confused, stressed out, etc. I definitely didn't fit in there or make any friends. I did learn something that I actually liked doing and am very good at, is shooting guns. I shorta have a friend that I meet a few years later, that I go with to a range with once in a while, still to this day. Your comments about work and co-workers are so true.

Welcome home, edlin! We have a lot of former military with us. glad you are here.

Merle