Ostracising fellow AS-ish person

Post Reply New Topic

At my venue see, we have this regular who many of us feel is probably on the spectrum. Most of us don't really like being around him.
Sometimes I feel bad, and feel like we should be more patient and accepting of him, but at the same time, I find his presence to be intrusive. I feel like he takes advantage of us...he crosses irritating boundaries....either heckles bands, or makes passes or remarks about women in travelling bands....tries to take advantage of other customers by having them give him rides or buy him stuff...tries to take advantage of us by bumming free drinks...or if he does donate, he won't donate very much...he asks to borrow personal toiletry items like a comb or toothpaste...brings up uncomfortable or inappropriate subject matter with me or with others...he really is not a bad person, and does not mean any harm. I don't think he knows that he is crossing all these boundaries and whatnot...My partner has tried to explain stuff to him..I have tried to explain stuff to him...but not very articulately....He often shows up and demands attention when I am not in the mood to be bothered by him and his small talk...He is just a very tiresome person...who is likely on the spectrum...and i feel sorry for him and can't help but be irritated by him at the same time..I wish I knew better how to handle him.

bumping this because i would really like some sorta insight...

Oh, dear. I think he must be in some pain if even his own people are ignoring him. I can probably feel his pain, because I've been ostracised by Aspies too (like at another Aspie site). And my Aspie boyfriend has told me how inappropriate I am and I sometimes feel that he wants to show off how much more socially acceptable he is, so that he can feel good about himself for a change instead of feeling socially unacceptable with OTHERS. I sometimes felt that he cared more about other people than me, about himself more than me, about my behavior more than my feelings. I had to ask him several questions to make sure that he didn't. So make sure that you care about him just as much as the others, and that you're taking his different needs into account. I know you have needs too. I wish I could think better; there has to be a way around this where everybody is happy and nobody is harmed.

Just cuz he's aspie doesn't mean you have to like him. Say no a lot. But then you have tough choices.

You can either let him be his obnoxious self, and treat him the same as other annoying people, or you can try to help him understand appropriate limits, which seems like what you've been doing, but isn't working.

He may know the limits but feels he can ignore them at that venue.

My advice is be clear and consistent. Don't let him mooch. Don't let him smarm. Don't loan him things at all. Be nice to him. Explain boundaries in a quiet matter-of-fact way, without emotional content. Do all these things regardless of whether or not it seems to be working.

I've had a lot of experience with odd people of all sorts at shows and alternative venues, and this has been my basic strategy.

+1

Having AS means you can be more compassionate to what he struggles with, but that person (as you do) has his ability to choose how he tries to get along with others.

If you're being as tolerant as you can manage, that's all you can do.

I know aspies I don't like, one of them is the biggest a***hole on the planet, just because he's got AS doesn't mean I should like him more than I like anyone else. If you don't like this person you don't like him, no need to feel guilty.

I think I recognize that he does not seem to understand my exasperated body language when he approaches me with a dollar to fill his plastic water bottle with wine while I am poised at the sink in BACk part of my venue...rubber gloves on hands....trying to do the dishes....

I say NO a lot...or try to...I would not let him use my cell phone tonight to make long distance calls, for example...( i have free long distance, but did not feel like hunting the damn phone down for him while I was in the middle of doing something else)

I don't completely despise him...I sorta feel sorry for him..he does not have a lot of friends. He probably gets treated somewhat badly everywhere he goes.
There have been lots of situations in which I would have liked to have known what I was doing wrong...but instead of telling me...I simply was shunned....so I know how it feels...

I need to find a better way of articulating my (or our collective) frustration without hurting his feelings.
This is merely a brainstorm....

Dear----,

We don't like it when you show up and want to hang out even though we are closed.

We don't like it when you invite yourself into the private part of our venue while we are trying to relax.

We don't like giving you cup after cup of wine for a dollar. We have high overhead costs and while

technically the wine is for donations, we do at least try to make our money back and we do not feel
obligated or pleased to be your friendly neighborhood source for cheap booze.

We don't like it when you heckle bands.

It is not polite to summarily hit on female members of traveling bands.

It is not polite to ask to borrow toiletries such as combs...toothpaste...etc....

You generally should not ask bands if you can jump up on stage with them...unless you know them really well.

We don't like it when you randomly ask patrons at our venue to give you rides to places or borrow money and such.

If I am doing stuff in the back area, I generally want to be left alone. Please do not bother me.

Whenever you shout my name and I am in the back, the sound of your voice makes me want to jump out of my skin...When you shout my name, and I reply in a somewhat angry tone, please note that my tone means that I am both startled and annoyed at having my concentration broken. Unless it is a life and death situation, it is generally best to leave me alone.

It is ok for you to hang out. Consider yourself lucky enough that you get in for free. Instead of leeching us for all of our wine, please consider bringing your own bottle of cheap wine instead. That small action might actually save you money and it will ease some stress from our weary brows.

I guess it is wrong for us to expect you to automatically understand that there are certain boundaries that you shouldn't cross, and i am sorry that we did not clearly lay down these guidelines sooner...this lack of clear communication is partially our fault and I am sorry that it has resulted in our having to come down this hard upon you now.

This message is not intended to offend you. If you are able to utilize these guidelines, you may find that your presence will no longer be deemed as such a nuisance and people might behave more pleasantly towards you...Please note, however, that if people behave more pleasantly towards you, it is not grounds to cast aside the guidelines.
You might also find that guidelines of this sort are at least somewhat universal, and can be amended and put into practice in other aspects of your life. A key rule to follow is to not repeat actions that continually seem to annoy people. Ususally when people are annoyed with you, they will typically not be prone to telling you that they are annoyed and/or what behavior or yours is bothering them. It will be up to you to recognize this from their tone of voice and body language.

An annoyed person might speak in a tense voice and use few words. They might frown or roll their eyes...They might seem tense or reluctant in response to your request instead of relaxed and happy. These are examples of responses you want to avoid. Since you get in regularly without being asked for a donation, it means that you are a guest in our house, but even though you are a guest, it does not mean it is our job to cater to you. It is up to you to take care of yourself. Doing so will make us more willing and less reluctant to facillitate you....

You might be slightly comforted to note that you are not the only regular patron who is capable of annoying us, just the one we find it the hardest to get through to.

blah blah blah....this is just a brainstorm...in some ways, maybe I have blown it out of proportion....but oh well..it is not intended for him to read....

Personally I think the businesslike articulation approach will do more harm than good. You're implying this guy has the intelligence of a small child, which can be really insulting.

I don't intend on ever giving this list to this guy, or verbalizing it to him in this manner.... I am articulating it to myself. He is an intelligent guy, but he has the manners of a small child....He constantly alienates people and does not seem to understand why. I am unable to articulate to him the reasons why I find him annoying....The best I can muster is to act annoyed. It is kinda painful, because I don't enjoy the feeling of disliking someone...and it is made worse by the fact that all my comrades dislike him too... They are harsher than I am. I am at least aware of the fact that he doesn't know he is doing anything wrong.