I feel that 98% of the time I'm talking to myself.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong. When I'm in a group, no matter how hard I try I can't get a word in edge wise. Sometimes when, I'm even talking one on one it feels like that I'm the only one listening. It's starting to piss me off because I feel like nobody gives 2 s**ts about my opinions, or me. It's getting to the point, were I'll just leave mid conversation, feeling pissed off for no reason. If no ones gonna listen I just say f**k it.

Hi, I have the same problem. Surely you must know that part of having AS means you aren't very good at picking up social cues. Oftentimes, I will traject my words too soon or too late; too softly or not at all when maybe I should have. How can I really know for sure? I can't, because I march to the beat of my own drum and, try as I might to get a "feel" for a group of people, I seem to never be able to do it properly. Maybe you ought to cut yourself some slack. There is no good reason to be blaming yourself for the way you are. I'll bet you're a very nice person. You just need to find some people more "attuned to your wavelength", if you know what I mean. Feel free to PM me anytime; I would be glad to listen to anything you had to say. Have a nice day.

I feel the same way, as well. No matter how hard I try to get my message across, nobody seems to be listening, and everybody just talks around me. The NTs just want to talk to their special friends, instead.

Such is why socializing is such a physical, mental and emotional drain on me.

I like having conversation with others, but I always have to "dumb down" to what others want to talk about...otherwise I might as well talk to a potted plant for the amount of interest people pay in what I find "stimulating."

I feel the same way all the time except I hardly ever get into social situations these days though. But I've realized that some of it is just our perception. If you pay attention to what happens when other people speak often they get the exact same treatment but we notice it more when we get it. Most social interactions feel rather shallow and meaningless, but a lot of that is just us expecting more than what everyone else gets out of it. But that's not the whole thing. Aspie's say "weird" things and then other people dont' know how to respond to it. I think most people just act like computers, they can't respond to anything unless you push some of their pre-programmed buttons in the expected sequence. If you do something other people aren't expected they just go all freezey and blue-screen-of-death on you.

I feel the same way. Why are people so awful?

Why? Because they can be. I have the same experiences at work from time to time, feeling shut-out or sidelined (or ignored). Sometimes I just feel totally irrelevant or marginally tolerated (the way one would deal with an annoying child). Not with everyone at work, some of my coworkers are genuinely nice, but some...eh. They can come off as nice but I found out the hard way its a fake nice. Like when some of them interrupt the conversation to make plans to get together and do things outside of work right in front of me, that sort of thing. Good times.

The person with the loudest voice usually controls the conversation. I don't know about you, but sometimes I find conversation so banal and meaningless I can't be bothered keeping up with it, so I don't bother joining in.

I have the problem where I talk to people and they never seem to retain any information I tell them (i.e. work schedules, times available, etc.). It's like I speak to a wall. I don't understand why people converse with each other when they have no interest in listening to the other person. I wish they would just save both myself and themselves the time and tell me they're not interested in what I have to say.

Just like when they ask how you're doing then leave half way through the answer. I can easily go off on a tangent but I always dumb it down with people that I know don't care... even then they don't listen to the stupid version of the answer! it's such a waste of thought and breath! I might have well never socialized at all.

Oh, that irritates me beyond words. It's like they only ask how you are because they're programmed to do so. Not to deviate here, but I cannot stand when people start a conversation with nothing to say beyond the initial starter questions. I despise the small talk. I just don't get why people do that. I understand the nice gestures I guess, but seriously...it gets annoying. I tend not to talk to someone unless I have something meaningful to talk about. Why have a conversation that goes as follows?:

<begin conversation>
THEM: Hey, how are you doing?
ME: Good. Yourself?
THEM: Good.

awkward silence
<end conversation>

I think this is pretty common for us. My only advice would be to meet other people who share your obscure interests.

This is how my own family treats me. Whenever I try to talk to them it seems like it's all just going over their heads and they'd rather talk about their co-workers, or TV, or what needs to be done around the house. I've been able to have very few intellectual conversations with them, so I've sort of stopped trying. What I'm interested in is never important enough for them to make the effort to stop and think about it and talk about it with me, even though I try to do that for them.

Yeah. I used to have this problem as well when I was hanging out with the wrong group. Now, I pretty much talk only with like-minded people, and it doesn't happen as much. It still happens very often when I speak up in class, though. It's all about understanding the situation.

There use to be a girl in my Spanish class in high school who may have had AS, but worse than mine. She was so painfully awkward that people would just talk over her when she spoke in some kind of attempt to pretend she wasn't there.
Social awkwardness for an NT can be like fingernails on a chalkboard. They cringe and just want to turn away, but people with AS are not going away. Eventually, the NT population will have to just "deal", but it'll take more time.

I think twhen you find this happening often it's time to stop trying to get a word in edge ways. Start watching what the other people in the group are doing. Try and work out how they use eye contact, tone of voice and body movements to in their conversations. Better yet read some books about it and see if you can recognize what's going on.

One of the main things I used to do was start every sentence with 'I' (like I did with this post) when I started speaking I would actually see people recoil or turn away in disgust when I started speaking. It's really not socially acceptable to constantly speak abotu yourself but since we can only relate to other people's experiences through our own it's difficult for us not to so we have to work out ways around it.
I've started asking questions as my main talking point in group situatioins rather than giving my own opinions.

I really think eye contact is important in group situations too but I've never found much literature on the subject. Look at the person who is talking not the one they're talking to. Look at the person talking even if they're not talking to you specifically. How long to hold it for is debatable but at least 30% of the time when you're talking and 60% when they're talking.

Mirroring the body language of the person you're talking to most or agreeing with is a very useful tip, don't be like a mime copying them just position your limbs the same way they do without making it obvious. Be aware if you're fidgeting or stimming and everyone else is still it will be very noticable. Also try and moderate your facial expression as much as possible, smile and raise eyebrows often. Tilt your head forward rather than leaning it back or sticking out your chin.

Believe it or not all these things are actually important when talking to people.

Oh yeah I nearly forgot about only being able to follow one conversation at a time so if there's more than one person talking you really have to chose one and concentrate on them or things can get messy!
As you can probably tell from readin that all this is really tiring and a bit of a mission and I find it hard to keep up, especially if stoned or drunk or when I really can't be arsed. It's not easy but worth learning how to do if you're in the situation where you're actually with a group of friends as it may not always be like that.

Last edited by racooneyes on 28 Dec 2009, 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.