What is normal eye contact ?

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I have seen a few threads recently about eye contact but I am still not sure what is normal eye contact. Are you really supposed to look at someone's eyes the whole time you talk/they talk to you ? I would like to improve my eye contact without looking like a creep so any tips / guidelines would be great.(even if I don't understand why you would want to stare at someone's eyes for that long)

I should probably add that i have no clue about any of the normal "rules" for eye contact because i have always found everything happening around people more interesting than their eyes . So really basic rules / guidelines would be helpful.

Good question. I have no idea what normal eye contact is either.

Here's something I was looking at from the library http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Yourself-La ... 402&sr=1-3

If you want to verbalize/intellectualize what to do beforehand (based on research), and want do it yourself exercises so you learn how it works in real life, I think this may be helpful.

There's a chapter on eye contact. Another chapter talks about how to synchronize body language (eye contact, voice, etc) with conversations. I like the eye contact chapter because a lot of people say to use eye contact, but obviously you don't stare, and complete strangers don't make too much eye contact, while at the same time many are going to think you're rude if you don't use it at the right time. The eye contact chapter helps out, combined with the do it yourself exercises.

I've been wanting to ask the same question. I've been watching other people have conversations and it seems like if two people know each other well the eye contact is more sustained but if it's a situation like clerk/customer it's not. I usually rapidly flick back to the person's face without making true contact. I'm OK with family members and people I know accept me as I am.

It can vary. I'm not good with eyecontact but usually because I stare too much. Which is different from quite a few people (though it is not unheard of to stare) that don't make eye contact at all.

If you are the type that gets "information overload" through your senses by looking at peoples faces then there probably isn't much hope. But if it's more a "don't see the point" type thing or "it does not good anyway" then there's hope for you yet (genial sentence intended to illicit a small smile)


Again, I've only read one or two books on gestures and eye contact and facial features etc...

Again, I'm starting from a stare point. But I've generally found that about 30% of time look at eyes, 30% other parts of face (mouth is usually a good bet) and other 30% elsewhere. I.e. usually at a persons hands. Because you have to remember that NT's talk with their entire body. So their hands are actually saying something too when they talk. So you gotta make sure it looks like you are paying attention. Then the other 10% check on what is going around you. Other people. Of course, if its an intense conversation or you're trying to make it seem to them like your paying a lot of attention, then you'd cut down the 10% of looking elsewhere.

As a qualifier those are "general rules." I wouldn't advice counting that stuff out. And a book will help on telling you what you are seeing. Like arms crossed leaning backwards is a defensive sign. Open, leaning forwards is interest etc...

Of course this also doesn't take into consideration any difficulties you might have. I have trouble with sensory integration disorder so my staring (I stare through people to create a out of focus picture so I am not distracted from trying to listen to what they are saying) is in order because I can't "pick out a conversation" and screen it from background noise very well. (Which apparently some people can) So there may be other things that you'll discover from trying this out.

Further, this won't help you read peoples moods or feelings from facial expressions or body posture or voice modulation. It'll just make you seem "less strange." Which is a good thing in any account.

Hope this helps. Also, sorry for the format. It was more a "stream of consciousness" post because it's getting late and I don't have time to make it shorter, or more concise.

thanks, will definitely have to get that book.
Nope it's good thank you. I am at least 95% looking elsewhere so i definately need to read books to improve.

I have yet to figure out "normal" eye contact, despite having read over 10 books on the subject of nonverbal communication, taken acting and public speaking classes, and consciously practiced.

But my senses can get overloaded, so I prefer to limit eye contact. I can't extract much information from people's eyes or facial expressions anyway, despite efforts to learn to do so.

I suspect we can all improve in this area, but I've had several neurologists and psychiatrists tell me that their experience with AS/ATDs suggests that improvement is limited and requires considerable time and effort, at least in some cases (such as mine).

Since eye contact is processed subconsciously, I wonder how much practice is necessary before an Aspie can produce satisfactory eye contact for an NT, and how long an Aspie would have to study eye contact before being able to process NT eye contact usefully.

I think you make a point. It's not like magic, or probably won't be perfect, unless it's a ton of practice.

Something interesting, I found some studies that although AS/HFA don't learn social skills through instinct, they can through verbalizing/intellectualizing the skills (AS more so than HFA). In addition, then they need to practice, just like someone may learn to play the piano with combined intellectualizing/instruction and practice. Although not having social instinct/intuition holds AS back, maybe it's possible that an AS/HFA could still become quite good. Playing the piano/skiing isn't something that people are born with nor is instinct. However, with much practice/instruction, many can become quite good at either.

I've heard that the success of learning social skills for AS/HFA is dependent on two things: how well they actually conceptualize the social skill and how much time they put into practicing the skills learned. That's why I like the teach yourself body language book I've been reading so far. It includes teach yourself exercises, with both observing others and experiments you try yourself where you see how people react to how you play around with your own body language.

I have trouble in the eye contact area, but I've found the teach yourself parts providing some improvement. Many say "Make eye contact", but the question is when and the way to do it. I've found if you don't know that, even if you try real hard it'll eventually go downhill again.

my communication counselor said that there is none. But that most people will respond positively if you match their approximate level of eye contact.

This may not work for conversations with Glenn Beck.

Shiggily wrote

its very hard with eye contact for me i struggle a lot its the most hardest thing im not good at

I have a hard time with eye contact with strangers....with people that know me...its not a problem because they know me, but I try to be friendly with ppl I dont know. Eye contact is really hard here because if I stare too long...they think I am creepy, not long enouth they think I am dismissive. I cant win for losing on this one. I just need to stamp "aspie" on my forhead so people know not to expect too much in eye contact. I mostly look at the mouth if I had a choice because I am hearing impaired, so I lip-read. I read eyes too...cant explain it though. I can see a darkness or lightness (refering to character not color) in ppl's eyes. Always have. Mom says I am psychic because I used to read her mind when I was young, maybe the reading eyes thing has more to do with that.

I think, that you don't have to look all time, it will be considered as "stare". There is another important thing (which is more difficult that interrupt eye contact from time to time): to use eye contact for reading and expressing emotions; if there is no this component at all, the eye contact may be interpreted as "stare" too.

beats the hell out of me.

I say "If i'm looking at you IM LOOKING AT YOU. All focus. Rather than listen to you, which is done with the ears and not the eyes, which is probably just me as an AS taking things literally."

This is a big issue with me.

If I'm allowed to talk with someone and completely not look at them and they do the same with me I'm usually OK, but if the other person is looking at me I get all confused and self conscious that I'm not looking back.

Sometimes I'll think I'm doing OK and then completely zone out. I'll still be talking with the person but realize I've been freakishly staring at like a piece of fluff on their arm, and had no clue I was doing it, and that they have obviously noticed this and it has weired them out and totally destroyed my credibility.

I was going to suggest "mirroring" eye contact to some degree (this seems to generally work well for me with girls.)

I think that other posters did a better job of describing it or provided even more helpful suggestions than I could have, though. The "try it yourself" approach mentioned by NicksQuestions seemed like it could be especially helpful.

lol i just never look at people.

there's this guy i've been talking to and he invited me to a party this weekend. we were standing outside by our cars when i asked him what kind of beer he was going to have at the party and he said, "are you asking me, or are you asking the car?"

i LOL'd about that for a while. hopefully if i don't drive him away interacting with him will be good for me.