i am neither extroverted nor introverted.
in a clinical definition, extroverts are concerned with external things and are socially oriented, and introverts are concerned with internal things and are introspective.
i am neither of those 2 definitions.
i am not concerned with external affairs, nor am i introspective.
in the general public definition, extroverts are "happy go lucky" and self confident people that crave company and like to display themselves, and they are gregarious, while introverts are shy and awkward people who slink back from view because they lack confidence and they retreat like "shrinking violets" from people and are dreamers.
so:
extrovert=strong=winner.
introvert=weak=loser.
i am neither of those 2 definitions either.
i can look "extroverted" for the following reason (who cares but anyway):
i can easily address large amounts of people. i write software that i must give presentations of when i am about to hand it to the company.
these presentations are to sometimes many employees (100-200), and they are in often in darkened auditoria ("auditoriums" sounds wrong) and i am on the stage demonstrating what the systems do and what they can achieve with them. i talk in a loud way and rarely say "uhm or ahh" because i know beforehand what i am going to say. it seems confident and it is, so it may appear similar to extroversion in some peoples definitions.
but i do not actually perceive any social aspect of it at all. i see that i am talking to say 150 heads, and they may as well be 150 basketballs as far as i am concerned.
i am not nervous or unsettled talking to 150 basket balls, so i am not nervous or unsettled talking to 150 heads.
my doctor said i talk "at" people rather than "with" them, and i think that is true in hindsight about previous encounters, but i never think it is true when i am currently speaking.
also i may be seen as extroverted by some because i will talk over the top of people with my eyes closed when they are interrupting me, no matter what point they are trying to interject.
but is not because of any "social spirit" that i talk so insistently, it is because of some kind of momentum that builds in my thought train, and that train can not be stopped with ease.
others may see me as introverted because i am always at home when i can be, and my house is far down a road in secluded bushland, and i never seek company. i never ring anyone except for work. the few friends i have all ring me because if they did not, they would never hear from me again.
i made a friend a few months ago at the tavern who is a smart man about 34 and he liked to talk to me about many things.
he wanted to come over to my place one evening and i said yes and we had a good time and he stayed until 5am and it was an excellent thought marathon we had.
he rang me every week and asked what i was doing and he came over.
i never rang him ever.
then he missed 2 weeks and rang me 3 weeks later and said he wanted to come over. when he got here, he eventually said to me "this is a bit one sided isn't it mark?"
when i asked him to explain what he meant, he said that he always rang me up and i never rang him. he asked if i would ever ring him if he never rang me again. i said i did not know.
he said "hmmmm..."
he stayed for a while but he was not the same, and he left and seemed cheerful enough as he left (it was only 11 when he left and he got here at 9).
i never rang him because i never remembered about him. he always reminded me he exists when he rang me. of course i remember him, but i never think about people i know when i am not with them.
i will not bother to ring him because i am never partial to a "chat".
if he never rings again then he will remain a memory of mine.
that may seem introverted, but it is just a hole in my soul i guess where i fail to need accompaniment.
i could say i am an "ambivert", but that implies that i oscillate from one to the other. i do not. so i will coin "neutrovert" to describe me.
22 Jul 2007, 1:45 pm
! !
