What is considered mean?

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Hello according to some NT's that know me well they are saying that I am starting to develop some "mean" traits. I hope I could have some guidence because I do not want to become a mean person. What is considered mean socially?

Saying or doing things that hurt somebody and of which you are supposed to know that they will hurt that person.

Like, when somebody is obese, telling them that they are obese/fat. That person will most likely know about their obesity, and if not, telling them won't help. So when you tell them something that is obviously true, is obviously something both they and you can see, and is most likely something they don't like about themselves because the society looks down on obese people + it's pretty uncomfortable to be obese, they will believe that your reason for stating the obvious is an attempt to hurt them.

Laughing at things that seem funny to you, but are hurtful for somebody else also can be very mean.

At least that's what I believe.

Curtis, "mean" to teenagers is a tough one because they are oversensitive to any possible slight: Not inviting someone over. Spending more time with other friends. Not spending enough time with them. Not returning a phone call or text. The list goes on and on (and grows and grows). It is just a lack of security that comes with the teenage years. We all go through it. As an AS you are going to have a hard time reading what are subtle if not impossible to read messages. The best advice I can give you is to pause before you do something or say something, and ask yourself how they are going to internalize it. Realize they are extremely sensitive, almost like delicate glass, and desperately want you to like them. They'll never admit it but if they are your friends, it is what they want most of all: your friendship.

Aspies can often seem mean, because of how honest they are - If you have an opinion, think over the consequences that might come if you say it.
Try making an effort to hang out with them more
Self-Restraint plays a big part. For example, one of the reasons my last relationship discontinued due to how aggressive I was beginning to behave - I would start ranting about Republicans or Catholics (He was both), and I'm sure that didn't please him too much. So just start watching what you say.

Thanks alot so the general rules seems to be : Dont say or do anything which could or could be misconstrued as harmful E.G if somone is not very good at sining but they are going to enter a talent contest it would be mean to tell them that they should not enter because they are not a good singer. From my point of view it would be mean to let them go and embarrassed selves however if I were to say that it would be misconstrued a mean so the right thing to do would be to let them find out for them selves.

Is that pretty much it?

Not necessarily. If you took them aside and just between the two of you, you quietly told them that they really needed to re-think this singing thing, particularly doing it in public in front of an audience, that would be one thing. Personally I don't think that's mean.

But, say you publicly say to them in front of a group of friends that their singing really sucks and they're out of their mind to enter this contest? Yeah, that'd be mean in my book.

FWIW, my problem is that I can ONLY draw distinctions like the above if I am really thinking, and thinking hard. The kind of thing that I find really exhausting to do continuously, meaning I just can't do it 24/7. I burn out if I try. So sometimes I'm tactful and other times...not. And most of the time I just withdraw since I don't trust any spontaneous response to be the right one. What NTs do reflexively I have to do as a conscious act or thought. And that takes time and effort. Which is why I have such a full social calendar.

Thanks for your reply i shall keep it in mind.

I consider the silent treatment to be another form of meanness.