tried to "out" a fellow autistic - was it wrong?

Post Reply New Topic

I teach at a smallish or medium-sized technical college. We have a full spectrum of majors and students here, from the popular ones, to the geeks, to the unemployed ex-factory workers, to the highschool students taking college courses, to the curious grandmas who never stop learning.

So. One day I was sitting in the tech's cafeteria with my husband (who is studying computer programming at my tech) and we saw this guy who was pacing, and stimming, and talking to himself. All at once.
After eating lunch, he would do this pretty much the same way every day. Sometimes he would actually sit down in the cafeteria for a while, and other times he would pace in the parking lot, but otherwise his routine was pretty similar from day to day. I said that guy has to be autistic.

So I felt "he is our autistic brother" and I wished we could meet him.
I would smile at him in the hall or say hi, because I thought he must know, too, that we were the same kind of people. My husband did not see the point of this, and maybe he was right.

I had some cards from our local AS meetup (http://aspergers.meetup.com/) and resolved to invite this guy. So one day I came to the cafeteria to pick up my husband at the end of the day, and he had just left and this guy was sitting at 'his' table, starting to turn on a portable DVD player. I had finally got up the courage to invite him, but first I made an idiot of myself by asking "was there another guy at that other bench when you got here? I'm looking for my husband..."

Then I said, "I was wondering if you would be interested in this?" and handed him the card for the AS meetup. He said "what is asperger syndrome?" I was shocked that someone so 'obviously autistic' could not know about AS. I said "it's similar to autism" ... he said he had "never heard of" either of those. And was "Not Interested".

I was so completely flabbergasted that I just apologized "sorry to bother you" or something, and walked -almost ran- away, and probably stayed red for the rest of the day.

You acted reasonable, although possibly with a bit more courage than most aspies would prefer in such a situation. If you honestly think the guy is autistic, show him what it is. Try diagnosing him. Inviting him, however, might be a tiny bit presumtuous.

Maybe it's a professional's job to say who is "obviously autistic", not yours? Besides, even if a person has autism or whatever you think he had, that doesn't make him your "brother". I could have genital herpes or be addicted to ice cream, but just because I see someone else appearing to have the same problem doesn't mean we are "brothers". Generally, giving unsolicited advice isn't a good thing. I could walk up to some fat person and give them information about weight watchers, but would that really be a good thing?

I voted 'other'. I think you made a kind and friendly gesture that met a wall of indifference and/or a lack of understanding. It's no big deal, you didn't do anything wrong and neither did anyone else.

IMHOP, someone who values their privacy is not going to spend their lunch hour in a cafeteria! Yuck! By placing himself there amidst the noisy, socializing crowd, the guy you identified as probably autistic was indicating that he was not averse to overtures of friendship or communication. You made an attempt to communicate, he turned out not to be interested, so what? You didn't violate whatever 'privacy' he had in that setting. If he wanted to be alone and undisturbed, surely he would not have choosen to remain in the cafeteria to begin with.

When I "diagnosed" a friend of mine he reacted like I was insulting him (he started questioning my definition of "normal"). Thankfully he likes surfing the web, so he started researching on aspergers and eventually told me I was right. Other friend stopped all communication with me when I mentioned he might have the syndrome, and there was another one who just ignored my comments on the subject.

I think most aspies out there don't know anything about it, and their lives would be better if they knew, they just don't like being told they have a "syndrome", they know they are weird, so they assume you picked up on it and are making fun of them.

I too get that feeling that they are my brothers...

I used to work with a guy who was very very aspie-ish. I've not met any Known Aspergians, but I would bet money that this guy has the syndrome. So one day I asked him if he had any kind of autism. He totally freaked out, and thought I was "calling him autistic." People use the word "autism" to tease others. It's like calling someone "a ret*d." I still think he is of our world, and just is not aware of the syndrome.

I see lots of people who I think are on the spectrum. But I could never walk up to somebody and tell them they are autistic. People get would get highly offended if you said something like that because when most people think of Autism, they think of Rain Man.

The only time I would say something is if the other person came and told me that they feel they have a problem or if they felt they might be autistic. Even then, I would tell them to go and talk to a professional and see if they can get a diagnosis for what the problem is. I would only offer help if they came and asked for it first.

He could have tourettes syndrome, pacing is one of the tics I have. He could also have aspergers. I read somewhere that people with asperger also tend to have tourettes and other neurological problems.

a better way would be to indicate that you feel they are interesting, because they are not like other people, and you feel that way about yourself.. of course, this could be taken as a pick up line..

but put a positive spin on it.

I don't think I would have the guts to go up to somebody and talk to them about having some sort of syndrome. I, for one, can not stand being rejected or sworn off in a harsh way, and I can imagine lots of ways that someone would get offended over something like this.

I imagine there are a lot of people out there who are probably autistic and refuse to be diagnosed for a number of reasons, as well as many who have not heard of the syndrome and would fear being labelled as having a neurological condition. Telling somebody that he is 'not normal' can have some pretty unpredictable results, many of which I would refuse not to be a part of.

If I know someone is autistic or with some other condition, then I may go up to them and talk to them or whatever. Otherwise, I'll just converse with them as I would with a typical person.

Overall, I don't think you did anything wrong, just trying to help, but in a rather convoluted way.

- Ray M -

I wish I had read the story first. I would vote that it was a very reasonable thing to try to do.

It's hard to tell what "normal" or "autistic" are. I think they distract from the idea of "functional." A person can learn to act in manners that are function, treat each thing as a skill to be learned, and become a lot better then he was, and often more functional than most people.

I understand the young man's objection. For all that he behaves strangely, he definitely has some idea what's going on around him. He could be a lot like me. I have a lot of trouble taking advice from people who may be well-meaning. I absolutely have to be allowed to think over what someone is telling me even when they are polite. That's a skill that I have had to learn. It might even be harder to avoid the habit that I acquired, from people who made it a bleeping religion, of jumping people when I need to correct them instead of trying to reach them on a level of mutual understanding.

Too many people when they reach out carry some of the control type baggage with them. That is anathema to a teen who has simply had too much of attempts to correct his actions. He loses the capacity to self-correct. This capacity is something that I will insist is absolutely essential at all costs, and I do mean physical and emotional risk. Those who won't take the necessary risks won't get the desired results at all, ever, no way, no how.

People like the boy in the story need friends who won't control him.

Very interesting post . I once emailed a guy at my college that several sources told me was AS. Wanted to find a kindred soul. in a very polite way i asked him if he was AS and if he'd be interested in joining an as group i went to . got back a very definitive "NO who told you that about me? " oops

noticed him a lot after that - never did before he was pointed out to me
always sat alone in cafetaria, paced a lot, had weird hand movements, stood stiffly, had hard time breaking into convos - I never once heard him speak - I made sure to never be close to him after that as i didnt want to embarass him or make him uncomfortable since i was a "known aspie" lol and he obviously didnt want to be associated as one - but it was so obvious even from a distance - funny how much you can see when you know what to look for

Kate

There are any number of conditions that this guy could have that would make him pace and talk to himself. It really could be a case of seeing some similarities and then assuming he has Aspergers. And why assume AS and not HFA or PDD-NOS (lol) - is there some sort of spectrum pecking order? I'm sure I look like a nut sometimes - especially in the grocery store while I'm checking all the packages and mumbling to myself on occasion about this and that. If someone came up to me and said I think you have Aspergers I would translate that as I noticed your weird behavior. And then I would feel not only unsettled by the sudden and unexpected interaction but by the fact that my behavior was noticed.

I hate being afraid to associate with people because someone might disapprove.