Do you force yourself to go out when you don't want to?

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I usually avoid social situations if at all possible. However, there always seems to be something that I feel obligated to attend. For example, a coworker's birthday, going away party, baby shower, etc.
If I go, it's so awkward, and I can't wait to leave. I usually don't say anything, then all I hear is "you're so quiet, you never talk". If I don't go, it's considered rude.
My therapist thinks I should work my way up to being able to socialize. I would rather not.
What do others do?

What helps me, is, first of all, wanting to socialize. I can't get enthusiastic about doing things that require me to be around people, unless I truly want to be there, doing whatever. If you line up some things social that are based around your interests, it gets easier to socialize.

Lately, yes.

I agree that you should begin with social interactions that you enjoy.

I avoid many social situations. Especially when there is no specific agenda or activity. Although I'm lucky to have friends that are always inviting me to go out so I can skip some outings without offending anyone. I recently skipped a wedding and a movie because I was having a bad week and didn't really feel like dealing with people.

I get the "you're so quiet..." thing as well. It really annoys me when someone I don't know makes it 'their goal' to 'get me to open up'.

I do need to socialize sometimes, but it's always an effort to get out of the house. I'm usually glad I did, but it's such a relief when I can finally head home.

I'm with you. I fluctuate- sometimes I spend too much time alone, but lately I'm taking up every opportunity to socialize I get.

> I feel obligated to attend. For example, a coworker's birthday, going away party, baby shower, etc.

These are obligations, superficial, or work related. These aren't fun. Fun would be something you're actually interested in -- like such a meeting for someone you actually really like, or relating to an interest.

I didn't mind socializing with people at the garden group or naturalists' group or canoeing group -- even though of course nothing ever comes of it, I guess because I appear broken or something.

Sometimes, depends on the setting and how functional I happen to feel at the time. The worst for me is a party, bar or club full of strangers. I can deal with smaller, more intimate settings or places where there are people I know (and like). Not all that into family get-togethers either, way too much stress and angst for me.

Sometimes. Whether I feel like going out or not depends on my mood/confidence at the time. If I'm feeling down, anxious or distracted I generally don't feel like going out, although sometimes it helps distract me.

I sometimes force myself to go alone to clubs etc to try to meet people, strike something up with girls, but more times than not I end up feeling more depressed and downhearted than when I started out . It's usually more fun to do that sort of thing with others.

I don't force myself to socialise (not worth the effort), but every time I have to go to work, I force myself out of the house.

I wish I had more opportunities to go out, but I don't have close friends who would invite me to hang out with them.

my experience has taught me to not do anything I wouldn't want to do

my ability to excuse myself off parties and social outings is legendary. to the point when my showing up actually gets noticed and appreciated

haha. Indeed. People know if I show up to an event, it must be good =P. Get the "damn, Will showed up, it must be a good party!"

Yeah. I forced myself to go to some school dances....I force myself to go to best friend's parties.....There are some things you must do. Just because caring for someone means sacrifices at times. Or you want to appear somewhat normal. But this school year, I'm taking a break. I'm not going to any school dances. Not even the big end-of-year one.

I think you should do what makes you happiest. So I suppose you have to weigh the benefits of attending such functions against how they make you feel.

I have found that I really have to pick and choose what I attend in order to keep myself from getting too stressed or feeling overextended. As I've gotten older, rather than growing accustomed to such things -- even though I worked at that when I was younger -- I'm more anxious about them rather than less. I think several factors feed into this. But mainly I'm tired of pleasing others in ways that don't please me too, and as I get older time seems much more precious to me.

It doesn't change what people think about me. If I don't go, they think I'm too quiet and non-social. If I go, but I don't speak much, or I look uncomfortable, they think the same thing. So unless it's going to really hurt someone's feelings, especially someone I care a lot about, I tend to beg off.

There are people I'm close to that I'll still go to functions for, to keep them happy with me. But if it's someone who won't even notice I'm not there, and also someone I'm not close to, then I beg off without worrying about it.

The exception is people that are important to my spouse. I do my best to support his friendships -- to a point. I used to have a requirement, that he not have someone over when I first got home from work because I needed quiet time then, that he give me a little warning if possible for any socializing, and that Sunday afternoon and evening were when I did my routines (laundry, clothing prep, self-grooming, etc.) and enjoyed quiet time to myself that helped prepare me for the work week -- so no socializing then, ever. That was my most hard and fast rule, because if my Sunday routine got thrown off it seemed to affect my whole week.

Exceptions came up now and then, but if he knew I'd go to certain things with him, or entertain at home a little when he wanted to, he was willing to work with me on these requirements. And he's not a super social person himself, just a more outgoing Aspie-ish sort of person, but much more outgoing than I.

Now that I'm home most of the time, and my family is farther away, it's mainly his closest friendships with neighbors that I need to support, as well as going out and doing some errands with him.

I don't think that a therapist who doesn't have this problem themselves can understand that this doesn't get better with practice, after a point. At least for me it didn't. Learning social skills helped a lot, and continues to help me when I need to socialize. But just being around people is still work, and it wears me down. So unnecessary socializing is what I threw out. I choose my socializing carefully and rather stingily, and people in my life just have to understand. And I have to keep reminding those closest to me that I'm not like them, that I'm more of a hermit, because no matter how many times I tell them, they keep forgetting and expecting me to be like them and enjoy socializing, or to get over my dislike of socializing.

BUT one thing you can do, at those functions you decide you must attend, is to make a game of watching how NTs interact. Find someone whose style of interaction you admire but isn't a complete departure from how you are, and emulate them in some small way. Adopt a phrase or icebreaker they use that isn't too unusual and identifiable as unique to them, and try it out. This is what taught me most of my social skills -- emulating others, along with some classes that dealt with various types of interaction and dealing with people. (My employer sent me to those, but they're available here and there as seminars, I'm sure.) None of this is going to turn an Aspie into a social butterfly. It just helps me endure social functions without feeling quite so awkward. I still have never learned to look forward to social occasions or to keep from being wiped out by them. But I've had my little successes. Having a conversation that, on review, I wouldn't have changed my part in -- that's pretty rewarding. One thing that also helped was when I realized that not all NTs are perfectly comfortable at such things either -- especially where they don't know anyone. They just learn to fake it, and basically that's what I've learned. But within reason and in a way that fits my personality. I don't try to emulate the most outgoing person in the room. I choose someone who's quieter, but seems to have a kind of graciousness about them.

Common conversation starters I've learned from observing others. I know these seem boring, but they often lead to other topics. They're just to break the silence:

How to you know (the host's name)?

What kind of work do you do? OR What do you do in your free time?

This place is (bigger, nicer, has better light, etc.) than (mine, or last year).
(This should be complimentary, in case the host or whoever planned the event overhears. Even if it's not someone's home, or even if it's awful, find something positive about the location and comment on it.)

Or talk about the weather, the news (but not politics), or the reason for the party. Stay positive.

It's okay to mention that you get nervous in social situations. Sometimes that cues the other person(s) in to why you might not seem more outgoing. NTs aren't all outgoing either. Sometimes they'll go a little more out of their way to help you feel at ease if they know you are aware you don't seem outgoing. But if you don't say anything, they may just be embarrassed for you and afraid to mention it, or say something like, "You're so quiet." (When people say that, I really think they're trying to include me, but they don't know a better way to do so.)

Talk to people who aren't in the middle of things. Maybe they're nervous too and will appreciate having someone talk to them. If someone joins in, move to include them. Be curious about the person you're talking to, but not nosy of course. Listen to what they say, nod your head, or comment now and then to indicate you're listening. If you're really listening, you won't be thinking about yourself and how awkward you feel. (Wow, a side benefit.)

Those are my non-socially graceful person's tips. Mileage may vary. They help me enjoy myself more -- and I figure I should do my best to enjoy myself at such functions, even if they're not the most fun for me. Any little positives I can get out of them, the better, such as feeling I succeeded at something I'm not good at. And if I help someone else enjoy themselves more, even better!

I'm lucky that my nearest older sibling in age is a socially able sister. I didn't pay that much attention to her socializing when I was young, but I find that I know her well enough that even today I can ask myself what she would do in a particular situation, and I usually come up with something that seems reasonable (at least to me ).

Apologies for the looooong post!

SpiritBlooms, I found that to be a really good post! Many of the things that you mentioned are helpful, too. Especially about finding someone at a social function who seems awkward too, and concentrating on putting them at their ease.