How do you define social skills?

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I realize that I've been thinking about social skills in a limited way. I can manage being polite and tactful usually; I don't believe everything I think necessarily has to be said out loud. I can't manage mingling at a party though or approaching someone for friendship. There is much more to social skills I think, I just never deal with it. Things like office politics are way over my head. I can't be anything other than what I am but that seems to be a hindrance in life. How do you define social skills?

Something someone can accuse you of not having when fishing for a reason to knock you. It sounds like something important, yet it's vague enough that you can't defend against it.

"The ability to adapt your manner and speech to a situation in order to gain whatever it is you want without the other person feeling used..."

not very poetic, but that sums up what I've come to understand...

Well, I'll admit I was thinking in terms of manipulation as well, but that doesn't have to be all of it. The ability to make people feel comfortable is a social skill.Like a person having a party who notices someone standing alone by the wall and taking the time to go over and chat or introducing them to someone. I once went to a party with someone I knew. I knew no one else at the party except her and she was off socializing. I was incapable of approaching anybody. I just don't have that skill. Someone walked up to me and said "You don't know anybody here do you?" and walked away. So who's lacking the social skills there? I think both of us in different ways.

Skills are things one can learn and do. Often these are behaviours for different situations. But someone who doesn't have to learn each skill by rote or consciously has a big advantage. It's like the differences between learning your language's grammar unconsciously and well -- or consciously, poorly, or not much at all. Someone who has social perception, poise to balance numerous different awarenesses and create a response that fulfills multiple objectives -- that person has more than mere skills. That person has what I and many of us lack. Of course, these abilities can be used for good or bad -- lots of psychopaths have good social abilities, but don't use them for good.

I am really feeling this today. It's been a barrier all my life and I had another nasty stumble with it today.

Ability to manipulate. To tell a ly and fool someone. To tell a good story. To read body micro-movements. I used to be naive and think it was just getting along with someone and I just tried harder and harder to be nice. Then I tried the opposite to what I'd always done, and it worked.

Well social skills are manners, reading people, eye contact, knowing what not to say, common sense, and socializing. That's how I view social skills.


In that case, anyone can lack them and choose to not use them. I think mine are good for an aspie.

I have some of those skills. I can tell when I've been going on too long about something, but not enough not to go on too long in the first place. I can avoid offending people usually but if I do it's because I haven't made myself completely clear or I honestly don't understand why someone would be offended by it. I have had the experience in my life of being told someone had a crush on me and me being completely unaware. I am not capable of deciding I want something from someone and plotting a course of step a,b,c to get that something. I wish people would be more blunt although I've been the recipient of a "booty call" that royally pissed me off. I guess I'm better at reactive social skills than active social skills. My shyness is less now but that's partly fake it til you make it. That means I can smile and nod and have brief inconsequential conversations in passing. Starting a real conversation with someone I don't know? I'm lost.

Lately I've found being polite and tactful for the sake of getting through a social situation is more of a hindrance than a tool. In school were taught always be polite etc.. but in reality people find this mechanical and ingenuous.

Being yourself, for whatever that means, and being upfront about things, at the same time without explaining those things, seems to be generally accepted as social behaviour. People you get along with will find you and vice-a-versa.

In other words being polite doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with people or saying please or thank you but rather giving a genuine response in a manner that seeks also to accommodate the other persons feels or intentions.

Its a lot of taking into account other peoples perspectives while still being able to hold your own.

...if only people didn't say one thing with their voice and another with their tone and another with their body language *sigh* . Far too many variables.

My take is that there are social skills and then there is social instinct. Most people learn social skills because they have a predisposition to derive some kind of mental/emotional reward from socialization. This is social instinct. It's like playing a tune on a musical instrument. If a piece of music resonates with you emotionally then it's easier to learn to play without thinking about each individual note as you play it.

Because I don't have a social instinct that resonates within me socialization will never feel natural. I know that if I don't approach people or at least try to interact I won't ever gain anything and I might be perceived as unfriendly. Yet I don't have the natural instinct that draws me, in a positive sense, like a moth is drawn to light. Instead I'm always forcing myself to attempt conversation. This need to force then causes anxiety and prevents learning. The resonance is missing.

Perspective and Context.

Your resonance analogy is interesting. The vibrations reverberating around the tune give a full picture, kind of like an echo location, the space between is defined from the interplay of the forms - thats the activity that is taking place and one is immersed inside.

My social instinct is there it just can't breath properly because it is bombarded with too much sensory input. And when it finds the tune its to a different drummer.