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I am Marvin but my Nickname is Haoh. I have been kicked off of a Nar-Anon chat room and have been forced out of an Asperger's forum. I need help from anyone in this forum!

What do you need?

I need some type of way to improve my communication online so people can understand my situation better.

I feel really bad, but I'm having the hardest time trying to figure out a way to give you "pointers" on adequate communication.

Perhaps you can just tell me your story with as much detail as possible and as few pronouns as possible and if I don't understand something, I will ask.

I don't expect someone to explain something to me perfectly. Especially when I'm not terribly good at communicating myself.

Well I am beginning to think that I don't have the proper skills to communicate effectively online. I have been kicked out of a chat room and technically run off of an Asperger forum. I need someone to help work on an approach strategy of some kind so my needs can be met effectively and without trouble.

Can you tell me the situation surrounding you getting kicked off or run off either of these boards? If I have information on what might have been said between you and the other members, I could try to decipher what might have went wrong.

Also, there are some very specific rules in forums and chatrooms....some are obvious, and some are not.

If you could, perhaps you could tell me what these places are called so I can see the rules and see if there was a violation in the situation surrounding you getting kicked off.

Also, did a moderator or administrator contact you before you were kicked off or give you an indication as to why you were kicked off? I was under the impression that they did this, but I could be wrong.

TO THE MODS: I hope this isn't violating the rule on discussing a banning of a member....I figured that this wasn't a WP banning and I was trying to be constructive. Let me know and I'll edit....or whatever I need to do.

The Nar-Anon one was when the members started accusing me of bad behavior like trying to get women on there or lying about what problems I had. None of it was true. I am not that type of person. Then it got worse when one girl started calling me a liar. I told her that my college has no counselor and that the state can't place one there because of the budget. I told her if you don't believe me that I could give you the college's phone number and see for yourself. She said she couldn't care less about it. Then the mod there started getting smart mouthed at me and I cussed him out because I don't tolerate that nonsense. He banned me from the site afterwards.

The situation on the Asperger's forum has been bad for a while now. The people there are not really too kind. I just went back there to see what's what and this one guy I don't like put up all of my posts for everyone to see. That just ticked me off. And another woman who just came there has a bit of a smart mouth too and she is very sarcastic about everything. That I don't like either.

The names of these sites are Nar-Anon Cafe and Delphi Forums. To get to the problem forum for Delphi though you need an account but it's free and easy. The name of the forum is Autistic and Asperger Adults. My former screen name there was Anime77(Marv). There are a ton of posts with that name on it.

Well, this is a good place to do that!

Best advice I can come up with for communicating on WP is to keep at it. If you say something wrong, and it's misinterpreted, say so. Just say along the lines of "No, that didn't come out right, I didn't express it clearly" and try again. And say that that's what you're doing. All the time I say the same thing over and over in different ways, hoping that I'll find the words that make it clear. Sometimes I find those words, other times somebody else says "It sounds like you mean _____" or "I feel _______ in those situations" and I can go "YES! THAT'S what I meant!" I've found that most people on WP really won't hold it against you when something comes out wrong-- they'll let you explain what you meant, and unlike the real world, they'll understand that when you phrase something wrong, the wrong thing really wasn't what you meant to say.
It's also good to ask questions. Ask people how they deal with things, what they think about things, what they think you should do about things. You can get a lot of good insight that way, and other people can kinda help you to put words to things that you haven't quite found words for. (When someone quotes something and writes "QFT" that stands for "quoted for truth")

A lot of people here have had issues with other forums but find it easier to handle WP. It seems that babbling actually helps. Especially if you point out that you're babbling.

People online, and especially on AOL which I have, accuse each other of lying all the time, IME. I've seen it a whole lot and there will always be somebody somewhere who doesn't believe you, so forget about them. People accuse others of lying sometimes when they read something that doesn't seem to jibe with their own experiences, and instead of giving the benefit of the doubt, they tend to say you are lying. That's because they have probably ran across online liars several times and don't want to be 'taken in' by one again. So, they jump to conclusions about anybody they read. That happens. The best way to prove your credibility is to just stay calm and keep posting. Don't offer them phone numbers or proof unless they ask and if the proof they ask for is offensive, then put them in your killfile. I was once on a newsgroup where there were some fakes around but a regular poster for years went through a period where he had a lot of drama in his life. He would post about it, and also he would post topical things as well. Some people didn't believe the drama he was going through, one of which was his wife giving birth to a stillborn baby, and someone asked him to post the death certificate for the baby. He went off on them and left the forum, but that's the kind of people you may run across online. I've also seen, on AOL, people in chatrooms etc saying they are a friend/relative of a regular chatter and giving 'news' about the chatter, such as they are in the hospital or dead or dying. Very very occasionally that is true, but most of the time it's not. Sometimes it's the person themselves doing it wanting attention, and they miraculously recover in a matter of days or their death was a 'misunderstanding' etc. I know a woman on AOL who has been 'dying' for the past ten years. She just wants attention. It's people like that who give other online people a bad name. So, ignore the people who accuse you of lying.

Now, another thing is do not expect everybody to be nice. There are always several people who just want to be mean. Maybe they are like that face to face, or maybe not. Some people who are like that are very polite and quiet and never say sh*t even if they have a mouthful in real life, so on here where it's more anonymous, they tend to take it out on people. Just put them in the killfile too, or on ignore, and post to the people who are polite to you.

Online, there will always be some people who you just don't like or who don't like you and want to p*ss you off. Don't let them. They enjoy doing that and spreading unhappiness. The best thing to do is completely ignore them. If there is no way to keep from seeing their posts or chat, then don't respond to it, even if they bait you, because sometimes that happens too.

That's really the best that I can come up with. Don't go off on people, and if you are mad, don't post right then. Think about it and give yourself at least twenty minutes to calm down, then you can probably post something that gets your point across without going off on somebody and ending up getting banned.

PaganMom
who has had a WHOLE LOT of TOS's from AOL for going off on people and some really GOOD and CREATIVE profanity.

Hi There

First of all I would like to say that Maggiedoll and PaganMom have very good advice.

Sorry it took so long for me to respond, I was reading though the site.

I've been reading through the Asperger and Autistic Adult site and I've noticed a few things:

In the "disability" thread, a woman asked you if you had a lawyer, and you answered:

I don't. It's been a year and he said he'd give us a call if anything changed but I have received nothing. I believe my case may have been closed.

She understood this as you have a lawyer. You responded:

I don't have a lawyer!

Your reaction, seemed to make her defensive. I think this is because you used an exclamation mark, which is synonymous to yelling at someone....except when laughing....eg. hahah!! !

I would try to refrain from using exclamation marks...even if you feel very strongly about something. Even if you don't think what you are saying will be perceived as yelling by adding that exclamation mark, it will seem that way to your reader and they might become defensive. Just use a period.

To go back to this comment:

I don't. It's been a year and he said he'd give us a call if anything changed but I have received nothing. I believe my case may have been closed.

I understand this as you don't have a lawyer. However, I am confused as to who "he" is....and I think that is where the woman you were speaking with misunderstood what you said. She scanned past "I don't" and chose the rest of the sentence as relevant, so "he" was the lawyer. This was really not your fault...or anyone's fault. It was just a simple mistake that many people make when writing or speaking. Pronouns can make communication very ambiguous when they are used improperly. I know, I do it all the time. Hehe.

I found another thread entitled "My Life" where you started out:

I want EVERYBODY to read this article about myself so you would better understand where I am coming from.

I understand you meant nothing more than you wanted people to read the article so they could perhaps understand you better. I know you meant no harm. However, I wonder if this may be perceived as a demand rather than a request. This one is harder for me to be "clear cut" but words like "I want" are more demanding than asking. It would be better to use words like "I would appreciate..." "I would really like..." even better, "Would you mind if....".

So a sample sentence would be:

"Would anyone mind reading this article about myself so you could better understand where I am coming from?"

Don't use the word "everybody" because that also makes people feel like they are being demanded. You need to let people feel like they have a choice.

I hope what I said didn't make you feel bad in any way. I have a tendency to look at things very technically or systematically. That's just how my brain works. I really think that none of these things reflect anything bad about you. I just think that there were some misunderstandings.

Perhaps here at WP, you can start fresh and with some of the "tips" that we've told you, you can develop your social skills. Thankfully, you have this particular forum for such questions. I also wanted to add, that I haven't seen you have the same communication at WP as the other forum, at least not from the threads that I've seen.

I hope I helped a little bit.

PS: I hope you didn't mind me posting a couple sentences from the other site, I figured that they didn't really give any particular information. If it bothers you, I will edit.

But did you go to the other ones? Those are the problem ones and not necessarily those.

I think it's more or less impossible to address every issue that you had on a different forum.. M_p_furo gave examples based on what he saw. Are there specific other issues you need help with?

Really, it's probably a better idea to not dwell quite so much on things that went wrong on another forum. If you can be open to feedback, not be overly quick to get offended, and patiently explain yourself, let others explain themselves, and ask for clarification when you need it, things will go better here-- there's no point in torturing yourself over people on another forum who didn't like you. Most people here are quite easy to get along with. (Maybe not in the traditional sense, but to me they are. I have unusual taste in people.. I think that's an aspie thing.. like liking people who can argue semantics or points within a point without disagreeing on the overall point, or being able to randomly share bits of information, or being able to apologize for a misunderstanding or a mistake and actually just get past it.)
If you do something wrong on WP, make some mistake, say something that comes off wrong, and somebody gets offended... you actually can apologize, come to terms with where the difference in opinion is, and not have it held against you. (That's speaking for the community in general.. not to say that there aren't sometimes people who don't try, who are just nasty.. but they end up sticking out really quickly because so many people here are willing to work through things and come to understandings.)

Best thing to do is just post, and if someone gets offended, ask them why they got offended. Or ask somebody else why they got offended. (Not necessarily random someones.. but most of the moderators are fairly familiar with a most of the regular posters, so they can also help you understand why a certain person might have reacted strangely to something.)
When in doubt, state your intentions. Say things, explain them, explain why you're explaining what you're explaining, what's behind your opinions, why you have them and why you feel how you feel about things.. Give people the chance to ask you to clarify if they don't understand, and try not to be offended if they don't understand. Just keep trying to explain, and let them know that you're having trouble saying what you're trying to say.

There were many threads with your posts. I don't mind looking at them, but if you have specific posts or threads that trouble you, then it would be beneficial for you to give me the title or link them.




Maggiedoll has the right idea. It seems that you are doing well here at WP. Communication goes both ways....so what happened at the other forum was probably due to a mix of reasons, but not solely because of you.



This is what I've seen here as well. Of course you're going to get some exceptions to the rule, but the people here are generally understanding and forgiving.

It will take some time but I will put up some or if you want I can send them to you in an e-mail. That would be easier.

You can PM me if you'd like.