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Me against the world as a constant pattern

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TheHaywire
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04 Dec 2009, 7:26 am

I'm just wondering if it will ever end or I've been damaged to the point that I'll never be able to feel at one with a group.

Anywhere. Ever.



Maditude
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04 Dec 2009, 7:43 am

I quit worrying about feeling comfortable in an NT group a while ago. Many people in these groups are little more than back stabbers. Some groups claim to want to celebrate diversity, but this is more to do with race and religion than neurological differences.


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southwestforests
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04 Dec 2009, 8:48 am

TheHaywire wrote:
... or I've been damaged to the point that I'll never be able to feel at one with a group.


Dunno.
I'm not so sure you're "damaged", looking at your blog, you come across as too perceptive and insightful for me to see you as damaged.

But then again, in this world maybe that is the "damage".

Quote:
There are a lot of people who do not agree with the notion of SSI and feel that it should be abolished. They do not like that their tax money is going to helping the disabled community. (yet they seem to have no problem with it going to the war on drugs or the war on “terror”) I did not want to be known as a disability case but as an artist. So what if I’m disabled? This has nothing to do with my music or my writing. I don’t want people to give me special treatment because I’m disabled. I want to be judged for my art and nothing more.

Kiddo, you are absolutely correct.
Trouble is, we live among people who have a NEED to judge: without something, someone, to judge they feel like an addict on withdrawal; a plane in a flat spin; a car on a collapsing bridge.

Quote:
I no longer see fame as success. Fame is a curse that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody especially if it’s fame within a small group of people. I see success as being able to run my own company on my own terms. I see success as creating culture. And I’m still trying to finish school so I can become more successful. The last time I was in school I was running a dominatrix company. Who knows what will happen next? One thing I know is that I will never work for anybody but myself.

That ain't somebody "damaged" who sees that.
Least not damaged as what I think of damaged being.

Honestly, though, I think every person carries some damage somewhere.
Different kinds, different places.
Some kinds of damage are like a "superficial wound"; some, a "critical hit"; and some, to paraphrase a song's phrase, " (damage) like a cancer grows".

A human being's will to live, to continue to breathe, to carry on, can be incredibly strong: and sometimes it is solely by brute force of will that they are carried through to the point where they can let down and feel safe again in a place where the damage can heal.

Like a County Coroner once said to my parents, "What people died from isn't half so interesting as what they were still living with!"

With that, I'm pretty much out of words to offer.

Other than that in 5 hours this damaged person has an appointment with his Psychologist.


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Last edited by southwestforests on 04 Dec 2009, 9:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

southwestforests
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04 Dec 2009, 8:55 am

Re: the will to live - Exhibit A :arrow:

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Or maybe it’s something else that is keeping me alive. My company that everybody makes fun of. My music project that nobody can stand. The rest of the world may view these endeavors as ridiculous exercises in feminism and narcissism but the rest of the world doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am doing what I want. Even the possibility of getting this rapist in jail keeps me alive. The possibility of getting off disability in the future. The possibility of knowing that I had an impact on my generation and that what motivated me wasn’t money or glamor but the desire to break the system and start from scratch. I’m a homeless and disabled entrepreneur. I might as well come clean with it once and for all. I didn’t get to this point because I received some kind of trust fund. I got to this point because I worked my ass off no matter what situation I was faced with.



And now for something completely different,
Quote:
What I learned from this social experiment was that people were even stupider than I thought. It wasn’t just the masses who believed I was on a trust fund but a large portion of people who I considered my friends.

Last week I was raped. I ended up telling my audience because this was not something I felt comfortable keeping bottled up inside. The hate mail began flooding in. “What sort of publicity stunt is this? You’re always making yourself out to be a victim for attention.” I live in a world in which my own audience believes that I’m going to protests in Tokyo and fighting for body modification rights- getting deported from Tokyo and flying to Paris the next day to buy a bunch of customized corsets- but thinks that getting raped is some type of publicity stunt. My own f*****g audience. I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for knowing that my suicide would become a new internet meme.

A deeply frightening thing is a lot of these people go on to become parents, nurses, managers, jury members, voters . . .


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ViperaAspis
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04 Dec 2009, 1:27 pm

WE are with you. The people here with AS and the NT users who both support us and need our help. You're not alone now.


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ottorocketforever
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04 Dec 2009, 6:17 pm

I felt like that, for a long time in my life, and I was unhappy with myself and everyone else. I guess now that feeling is gone from me, because I am a little wiser with how the world works, and I'm not trying to please everyone, or thinking everyone hates me.