Conversation - how to approach it

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This resource has a lot of useful ways of thinking about how to approach conversation:

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/A_survival ... nteraction

It's an extension of this resource:

http://www.autismandcomputing.org.uk/ma ... nversation

I'm so out of practice. I've reverted to being the social reject I was in the first place. It's such an effort to communicate with people. I wish I were good at it, but it's just so stressful I don't think I'll ever be able to rely on it as a skill to help me in life.

I actually don't have a single friend, except my husband, who is wonderful but can't be everything in my life, of course. I have acquaintances, but no one I could call on to talk seriously to, have fun with, or "hang out." I can't even understand hanging out. Never have. I'm very discouraged about life right now. I want to get a job again instead of my boring little work from home situation, but dealing with people for researching opportunities or anything is a nightmare for me. Makes me want to give up everything.

Great links.

I try to talk sometimes with NTs, and sometimes it works out ok, but I'm always exhausted afterwards.

I've been reading through that first one, but it's very long, so I didn't read it all. It's very insightful and interesting, though. I often wonder whether or not I'm aspie enough to be diagnosed (assuming that the doctor has a clue about autism in middle-aged women). The stuff in that article about how non-autistic people are always "playing the game" was interesting to me. That is so, completely, NOT me. Just reading through some of that stuff, I'm clearly on the autistic side of things, rather than the non-autistic, and least when it comes to all that formualic social interaction stuff.


The idea that I need to constantly be aware that people are trying to establish a pecking order and that kind of thing is just exhausting. I never think of pecking order or trying to improve my status when talking to someone. I don't think I'd be able to talk at all if I were busy worrying about that. It does explain a lot about other people's behavior, though, and why I feel out of place. Very interesting.

I didn't get to the other link yet, so I can't comment on it.

> The idea that I need to constantly be aware that people are trying to establish a pecking order and that kind of thing is just exhausting. I never think of pecking order or trying to improve my status when talking to someone.

Seriously. That's just alien to me! I don't think about that either, but there has to be SOME focus I can have and sense I can make of things so it's not just a damn nightmare. I hope somehow I can make interpersonal stuff work better.

It never occurred to me to figure out the pecking order in a group conversation. It's amazing to me that people do this naturally and automatically.

Yeah, its a cruel selfish world out there. I can't say I don't contribute to it though. Back in high school I remember doing my share of a-hole "ladder climbing" even going as far as discouraging friends from befriending people who would depress their (and subsequently my) social status.

I sat down and read the guide and was actually surprised when I saw that I intuitively do about 95% on my own. Although I dont think I'd benefit personally from the guide, its very well written and comprehensive and it does explain my semi-conscious intentions for doing a lot of things (mostly to get sex ) For me the problem comes from my generally clumsy execution of just about everything (socializing included) and struggling to apply my know-how to my behavior.

As far as tips for conversation...its a little hard to put words to these kind of things so try to bear with me.

To get into the conversation, I really discourage the straight up "hi, what are you interested in" formula that works for like, 6 year olds. If somebody I never met came up to me and did that I would immediately get freaked out and suspicious. Try "accidently" listening in on their conversation and if they happen to bring up a point of shared interest, smile nostalgically and politely enter the conversation with "I'm sorry for eavesdropping but I just happened to overhear you discuss X and I had a really good time doing X/I really enjoy X/etc."

As always listen closely and make sure what you are saying has relevance to the other person's last response. You might really really wanna talk about the subject that you started the conversation with but if the other person is trying to change the topic you gotta go along with it.