Touching

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Ever since I’ve moved to my university I’ve had to deal with more social interaction then ever before, which is good for me I guess, but it’s still…interesting. I get a chance to watch people and understand them better but they also puzzle me at times.

Like my friends like to lean on each other (and me of course) and they poke each other (and me of course). One friend of mine told me that you can’t connect with someone you’re talking with unless you’re touching them so she held out her hands to me and I had no idea what to do. I tried to talk to her with our hands touching, but it felt so awkward that I pulled away, and for the rest of the night they teased me about not being able to talk while touching another person. Which is partially true, and it was good natured teasing, but it made me wonder why touch is so important. I’ve been hug attacked (which is what I call a surprise hug), and there are random tickle-fights I tend to keep out of as soon as they start, and all these other little things.

For instance, one of my friends was crying because she was stressed about school and whether she was in the right major and a bunch of other stuff so I placed a hand on her shoulder because I’m fairly certain that’s what you’re supposed to do to comfort a crying person? Anyway, it just felt so terribly and utterly awkward and I talked with my mother about it afterwards and she assured me that I had done the right thing and that was a way to comfort someone by letting them know you’re there for them. But that led to the question of if it was the right thing to do then why did it feel so awkward?

Why do people insist on touching each other so much anyway? When you first meet someone you’re expected to shake their hand, and when you get to know them better there’s even more touching. I don’t understand. What’s so wrong with personal space?

It depends on the person, I guess. You're likely to notice the people who enjoy touching because they're the ones with views that clash with your own.

I'm pretty physically standoffish, and though I like to touch I often don't feel like it's my place to do so, or I'm just not comfortable enough with a person. I have to be mentally/emotionally close to a person before I want them physically close to me. Being hugged by a person I smalltalk with in art class is completely bewildering, but I often want to lean against my friends to feel comforted.

Though, I also don't know how to deal with upset people. My mom was having a breakdown while we were moving to the apartment complex and the best I could do was sit on the floor of her room a few feet away from her and listen to her.

I think touching is a way of reassuring someone that you're there. Putting a hand on the shoulder of someone you are comforting is considered the "right" thing to do because it just lets them know you're there, but if you aren't a touchy-feely person then it'll probably feel awkward. Which is why I just sat on the floor next to my mom instead of hugging her or anything.

I dunno, it seems we have a pretty contact-based culture.

I don't like being touched in the best situations, and if I'm upset that would be the last thing I want. I know that's what you're "supposed" to do, but I wont do it. Touching someone to comfort them is just too awkward for me.

Always hated being touched but i have learnt to adapt and don't automatically flinch when anyone tries these days, as I understand they are just being friendly.
Always had a problem deciding whether a touch is friendly or something more and than can lead to problems.

i don't like being touched i don't like hugs either

I am better at being touched than I used to be. In certain situations, it's totally fine, and in other situations, it practically sends me into a fit.

The type of touch is very important. I'd rather someone ran full into me than have their arm hairs brush my arm hairs. Ugh.

At work, I frequently sit with my back to my cubicle door, and I wear headphones so I can't hear the normal office noise. When someone walks into my cube I cannot hear them, and am generally so deep in thought that I can't "feel" them. I am getting used to them touching me on the shoulder to get my attention.

I think your friends are outside the norm. Just that social group or something. There is a lot of social variation in how much touch, and what kind of touch. But, for the most part, for most people, conversations take place without much if any touching most of the time.

I do not generally enjoy touching, though it is not too bad if I initiated it. My mother and father are the only people I am usually comfortable with hugging, though only if I am prepared for it. I think I have hugged my brother three times in my life, always awkward (never been close to him, can't stand him most of the time).

I am horrible at consoling people. I lack the words (That sucks is among the best in my repetoire) and all physical motions feel false and I feel that can be sensed by the person I am trying to console.

I have learned to internalize my cringes during physical events so as not to be too obvious.

idk, i have no objections to touching. but being touched can be a tad uncomfortable or even alot when i either don't expect it, or if i just don't want it from that person, or if it's inappropriate to the situation.

but still to me it's a rather personal thing. and if i really like the person i crave touch like no other .

hugs in general are acceptable. even from dudes. because while i'm very straight, i'm not as homophobic as most guys i guess. i even have a few friends who are gay. we get along fine.

i have my boundaries of course, but i'm very tolerant, so i guess it counteracts any strong reaction feelings in a way so i don't really ever blow up or anything drastic just because of touch. if i react negatively it's usually not vocal. i'll just make a subtle & polite point of distancing in such matters. maintaining a personal space bubble. though usually i'm the one encroaching on someone else's bubble haha. often without realizing it.

The question about why it feels so awkward is natural. I have Aspergers as well, so I've asked my 'social teacher's' quite a number of questions that to me don't make sense such as...

Why walk when running is faster?
Why does tucking in my shirt matter?
What's the point of knocking on an open door to signify you've entered?
What's the point of eye contact?

And several more that I cannot recall off the top of my head. And while I'm not completely satisfied with the answers, it's important to understand that the society that has already been established follows these customs and to adhere to them is the easiest way of being accepted and not ostracized or made fun of. This touching thing included.

Perhaps in fact the point of touching is to show trust. You mention that people should respect personal space, but if someone trusts someone so much that they are willing to let them into their personal space without regard, it could serve as a signal of telling them "I am on such friendly terms with you that you are free to enter my personal space boundaries". See it as somewhat of a VIP pass - friends are allowed to transcend restrictions that would normally exist for strangers.

I also don't like being touched and I've also noticed it's become more of a problem since I've started attending a university. It seems everyone in the group of friends I've fallen into always wants to hug me whenever we're saying hello or goodbye. I can't for the life of me understand why, I think it's really annoying. I do put up with it, I try to look at as improving myself. When someone touches me unexpectedly my natural reaction is to either tense up or jerk away, and I feel bad when I do this. Now that I'm hugging people more frequently I'm getting a bit more used to touch and think I'm handling it better. Though I really hate when someone I don't know that well or don't like is with hanging out when I'm with the huggers and also expects a goodbye hug because everyone else gets one. It's so uncomfortable but I really can't refuse without offending

I sympathize with the reactions to overly common “huggie” socialization, and I’m NOT on the Aspergers spectrum. I think there’s a reasonable case to be made for a preference for personal space, just because that’s what you’re comfortable with.

I think the culture in the US used to be less physical in previous decades. I suspect television shows us all these hyper people emoting in over-the-top ways, and the result is that a lot of people started feeling that if they weren’t HUGGING their friends they weren’t being friendly enough.

In france, you might be exchanging little airy cheek-kisses. When I visited there I was completely unprepared for the custom and didn’t understant they were supposed to be a barely brushed or non-contact kiss, so I think I surprised the first person I experienced this exchange with. Recalibrated to her contact, I realized it wasn’t the actual on-the-cheek kiss that I thought I saw other people exchange.

I was relieved afterwards not to have to endure any more ‘weird’ physical contacts.

So as an “NT” who can have the same sort of problems, I figured you might like the added perspective.

On consoling people, one alternative is to speak softly and say that you realize how bad they must be feeling. Just letting them know you understand they feel bad goes a long way. Offering to listen is good too, in case they want to share their feelings with you by talking.

Not everyone wants a touching hand so much as they would like the feel of emotional contact. I’m that way most of the time, with most people.

My friends aren't really that huggy anyway, atleast not with me (I think they got the message ). I generally am not into the whole touchy feely socialising like hugging and leaning and all that, poking and playfighting I like but afffectionate touch I'm really awkward with. Accept though for my closest friend we're all over eachother.

I don't have a problem with touch.

I thrive on being hugged and touched.

Most of the time I hate it, its right up there with someone standing walking behind me....