I've take the red pill

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Over the last years, I have improved my social skills, my ability to read people and am much less anxious and depressed. Strangely enough, I feel more lonely. I used to think that I had a connection with someone as I was rambling on about whatever I was exited about. Now, I can see the impatience and annoyance. People who I used to think really liked me, I now see as having friendly toleration. Even my sister, who I know loves me, I feel more distant from. When I see how normal people are close to each other, the back and forth of real intimacy the lonelier I feel. Now I can see, I see how different I am. I don't know what to do now.

I took the red pill when I was about 13 and started to realize how different I was from others. I worked to look and act like others, but still knew that I was different. Was always told that someday I'd find someone who would understand and love me for who I am. Never thought it would happen for me but it has. When you don't know what to do, be yourself, enjoy your interests, and keep trying to connect. There are others out there who are more different than you are.

Z

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I know what you mean-med's brought me out of myself a bit and I became much more verbal. Whereas once people would try to bring me out of my shell, now I think they just want me to shut up. I'm not very verbal unless I'm comfortable and then I start babbling.

That might not actually always be the case. Personally, I like people who go on and on and carry the conversation, because I'm a terrible conversationalist. Usually when they have a huge fascination with something, they make it at least a bit interesting to listen to, and I remember a decent portion of what they've told me. At times, if it's an information overload, or if I haven't had breakfast yet, or if I'm on my way somewhere, I'm sure I get looks of impatience or annoyance on my face, but it definitely doesn't mean that I don't like listening to what the person has to say. My next-door-neighbor is totally like that... she goes on and on about gardening and sewing and knitting and she's one of very, very few people I talk to in real life, because with most people I'm expected to actually participate in the conversation, but with her, I can just kinda take in what she says. I know I'm totally abnormal and stuff and it's not like you can figure that everybody else is just like me (lol) but not everybody who gets an impatient look on their face while you're talking actually dislikes listening to you.
(Of course, I also have issues correctly showing interest. When my mom first "tried" to teach me letters and numbers, she gave up because I "didn't seem interested." Awhile later, I seemed to "magically" know all the letters and numbers. While I was too young to remember any of this, I'm fairly certain that I was interested, I just didn't show it.)

Sorry for being dumb, but what red pill?

^
Reference to the movie "The Matrix." It's the pill that opens your eyes to reality.

Z

Be yourself, and then find a place/space/group where people appreciate you as you are. (Not necessarily all of them individually, but the group as a whole, and some of it's members.)

For me, music has been both a way of connecting with others, and a way of finding a social group where I fit in.

I took the red pill, just over two months ago. I've changed for the better, as far as my image and attitude. I've also opened my eyes to just how nasty, some people can be. It seems as though NTs have their own special little family and own special chosen friends, and they don't want to bother with anybody else. It's their problem, and not mine.

So when you guys talk about letting go of people who weren't really friends/weren't really interested.. how do you know? I mean, I'm sure that there are other people like me out there who are interested in things but don't look interested.. You probably can't ask because most people would say that they were even if they weren't..

The red pill seems to be pushing me in my own direction very much away from my old friends and my family. Apparently my world is alien to most I know and I'm alien to the world's I'm attracted too. Can't win for losing.

The experience has been very disillusioning. It's hard to recover from.

If i could branch out and find a way of supporting myself away from the family biz it might be alright. Virginia Woolf really had something with that "Room of One's Own" essay.

Hanging out with like people is a sigh of relief. Not only is self-consciousness reduced but noticing similar behaviour in others seems to minimize my own. My issue is that those similar to myself are markedly different from who I'm "allowed" to associate with; since moving home my family has developed sharp claws and an eagles grip. Not being afforded the freedom to pursue this is debilitating. I'm only good at one thing and can't open my own business in competition with my families. Where does an odd bird get a means of support these days?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Over the years, I have been able to read people better, and also hold basic conversations that NTs expect from others. But it doesn't help me make friends. No matter how good my social skills are, they won't help me make friends because I am just too different from other people.

Real friends just connect with you naturally. They may expect the other to have the same social skills as everyone else, but only because they have never seen anything else. With my friends, I acted normally around them the first few times I saw them, but after a while, I acted normally. Most of my close friends know that I have Aspergers, but only because it gives them an idea of what I am like.

So you just have to be persistent. Rejection is very common, but there are lots of people out there. Besides, once you do find a friend, you will find a friend who doesn't just accept you for the way you are, but who accepts you because of the way you are. That's a great feeling.

I think I would go mad if I wasn't independent. I am able to support myself though I don't make a lot. I keep expenses very low (some people might call me cheap )but feeling pressure from others about how to live my life is one of the worst things to me.

It is amazing when I do meet someone I can truly be myself with and do not have to act "Normal". It happens VERY infrequently of course. But I am always torn. I get very lonely, but when I am around most people, I feel the best when they leave. The few true friends I have had are ones that I could not see for weeks and immediately reconnect. I realize that I want connection, but what many people want from others is lots of companionship. That I am not so good at. I like to do most things by myself.

I had to google it

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. (long pause, sighs) Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.
(In his left hand, Morpheus shows a blue pill.)

Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. (a red pill is shown in his other hand) You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. (Long pause; Neo begins to reach for the red pill) Remember -- all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.
(Neo takes the red pill and swallows it with a glass of water)

Your post has helped me understand what my son might be going through right now. Would you rather go back to how things were before for you? Or, can you even go back?? I sense my son feels lonelier now, but in a lot of ways he is more socially aware than before. Which way is better from your perspective?

I took the red pill a long time ago and have slowly been tipping the social balance (I am almost completely isolated now). I am better off for it and don't mind the solitude (good to clear the thoughts). My thoughts often need clearing. So being socially outcast really helps (btw a lot of people say that if I really tried I could make friends which is partially true. Once I know someone I get on very well with them until then I am bad with them. I also automatically click with people outside my age group that's why my family thinks I'm so good at socialising)

I can't find my red pill. Which really sucks cause I've seen what's on the other side. I just can't get there.