Need help with friend.

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Hi this is my first post here on the forums. I have read a lot about Asperger's syndrome and learned a great deal of what I know from this site. I do not have it. I am an NT but my best friend does have Asperger's. We have been very best friends since we were both toddlers. About 15 years now. He's doing things that I cannot understand so I'm hoping someone on here can help me. He is homeschooled because when he went to public school he got bullied because he is a lot smaller than your average 17 year old.

So back in September his mom enrolled him in a biology co-op for homeschooled kids. Well after his first day there when I contacted him to ask how it went he was not acting like his normal self. He was very weird acting. Well I figured that his day went pretty bad and he was on the verge of a meltdown so I let him know that I would be here for him if he needed me and gave him some space. I have had to do that before in the past so it wasn't a big deal.

His younger brother who also goes to the same co-op told me about a week after all that went down that there was some girl there that he liked. He finally got up the courage to tell her that and she said that she only likes him as a friend and nothing more. So he kind of went a little stalkerish with her by making fake social media accounts when she wouldn't talk to him. Well she found out then got mad at him and they stopped talking.

He was really upset about that and when he finally calmed down he went back to his old self and everything was fine. Until December. He again got weird acting but this time he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. I was devastated with this because we have been best friends for so long and he wouldn't even give me a reason why he was doing that to me. 2 days later he texted me and told me he was sorry and he didn't mean any of it.

A few weeks after that we both went on a weekend fishing trip with his older brother. During that trip we talked for 8 hours about that girl that he likes. He told me that she doesn't like him the way he likes her and was upset and crying about it. She started dating some other guy so he told me he was done with the obsession that he had over her. Again after that everything was cool with us and we went back to being best friends.

Starting at the end of February it seemed like he would just try to pick fights with me for no reason at all then be ok a day or 2 later. At the end of March he texted me and told me and told me again that he didn't want to be friends anymore. I was hurt from this but from my experience in the past I figured he would be ok and be back to his old self in a couple of weeks.

Then everything about him changed. The type of music he listened too, the career that he had picked out, his political and religious beliefs, he even stopped playing video games. This was not like him at all because music and games was his passion and he hated country music which was his new music of choice. Well again I find out from his little brother that he is texting with that girl again and she is the one who is changing him. She has told him multiple time that she will not be anything more than a friend to him. His obsession with her is unhealthy.

He is posting a bunch of stuff on Twitter that had me concerned about him. He sent me a text saying he was going to kill himself on 2 separate occasions. I told his mom and she said that he is just saying that and would never do that. So far 5 weeks has gone by and he hasn't pulled himself out of this yet. His brother is worried because he is so different now. He said all he does all day is watch stuff about fish because that is his new career choice. Marine biologist. His brother also told me that he is miserable with himself and all he can talk is that girl and how he is happy he can be friends with her.


Thing is he gave up me his best friend and another close friend which between me and him were the only people he was friends with. I gave him a few weeks then contacted him and he freaked out on me for no reason. He told me that he never wanted to talk to me again then blocked me on all his social media accounts and texting.

I am very hurt from all of this because I didn't do anything wrong to him. All I did was be his friend and support him however I could. I have lost sleep and cried over this. I know he still cares about me and I do believe he wants to fix this with us but his pride is getting in the way. I just want him back to his old self. I want my best friend back and I don't know what to do with this. I'm tired of crying over this.

Today he sent me a message through the Kik app asking me for a favor. He wants me to get him a computer game. Now he normally plays console games but hasn't since all this started with him. I haven't responded to his message yet. Can anyone here tell me what they think is going on. He has never changed like this. Actually he's been the same as long as I have know him for. Is this just a phase? Will he ever go back to his old self. Sorry for the long post.

I can sort of understand his obsession with that girl, when I was in my only relationship to date I got a bit obsessed to the point that I didn't notice our obvious incompatibility. I have learned my lesson about that, but it seems your friend hasn't. I think your best bet is to get him to realize that that relationship isn't good for him and that he should look for someone who will love him for who he already is.

One thing you could do is message him back saying that you will get him the game if he is willing to listen to what you have to say. That could be your chance to tell him your thoughts and concerns, and how his relationship isn't a good one.

If she's not interested in any more then a friendship then I think that this is more likely to resolve it's self then I first thought. Obsessing over a person generally isn't good for anyone involved, but obsessions usually come and go. The exact way it works is different for every autistic person, many have long term special interests but most also/instead have short term obsessions that can last anywhere from a few days to a few months. This is most likely a short term obsession, and if that's the case then it will likely end at some point in the near future.

Does your friend tend to have short term obsessions?

When I read about your friend it reminded me, of me when I was young. Ah... to be in love for the first time... What a kick in the groin.

I liked this girl but she was thought I was creepy too. She was too polite to tell me. She tried to let me down nicely which confused me more. She would smile and talk to me every day. I was unable to understand what her actions really meant. She would say polite things to me. These white lies made me think there was a chance. When there was NO WAY.

I think he is embarrassed. And when I say that I don't mean a little bit. He opened up to you about some seriously personal feelings which is very hard. I think you sound like a very good person and friend.

Here is what I would recommend.

1) Don't lie to your friend. White lies count!! ! Personally I hate those MORE than big lies because they cause confusion, heart ache, and me to misunderstand the situation. I know when people told me thing like "somewhere there is a girl who will be as madly in love with him that he with her." I knew they were lying (because they did not actually know that person or if they really existed). Yes it is a white lie to make him feel better, and to a NT I think it would comfort them.

2) I am SURE he still wants to be your friend very badly otherwise he would not initiate contact with you. If he really did not want to be your friend he would likely not make the effort to talk to you. Ever.

3) I think he is MORTIFIED! He opened up to you about some PERSONAL stuff. I would avoid the topic. Just tell him you would be happy to give a NT perspective if he wants to talk about it. BUT you wont bring it up unless 1) he brings it up FIRST or 2) you HAVE to bring it up (it is going to cause issues in his life). For example: if you keep asking out this girl her boyfriend is going to hit you.

4) My family had kinda like a "safe word" for me. If the topic became too difficult I could say "Anyway, new topic". I was not allowed to use it unless it was a big thing.

5) Tell him you are his friend and that is not going to change over this or other things he does. You don't judge him. You already know he is a cool guy.

I hope this kinda helps. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Green

Update to all of this. He is going through something with that girl. I can tell by what he is posting on Twitter. My heart is breaking from all of this

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another being is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference. <- cut and paste from wiki

I am not saying you are a bad, or a NT would think you lied (they have the same frame of reference as you!). I am saying, your frame of reference, is not the same as his frame of reference. (What you and society think is a lie is different from he thinks is a lie)

You said "somewhere there is a girl who will be as madly in love with him that he with her." Is that statement a fact? What is her name? Where does she live? White lies = lies. You can not possibly know what you are saying is true (about there being a girl out there for him), therefore you are lying when you say that.

Do these jeans make me look fat? (If they do make you look fat) IMO the correct answer depends on who is asking:
NT: "No" try to be nice and direct them to better option.
Autistic Person: "Yes" any other answer is a lie. If you try to spare my feelings by answering gently I will hear "No" and feel you lied when I find out they do make me look fat.

Not a lie but also nice: "I don't know if there is someone out there for you. I can not tell you the future. That does not mean you should not try. I think one of the best parts of life is the search for the right one."

You and your friend see the world (and lies) differently! Understanding that will make your friendship stronger.

He is not mentally developed and us been sheltered from the world for a considerable amount of time.

Parents tend to teach their kids boundaries and limits and basics such as "you can't always get what you want". Sometimes out of love the kids aren't taught that to (in the minds of the parents) protect them from hurt.

Now couple that with hormones and a first introduction to girls and this is what happens.

I had a friend like this, OP. All I can say is keep in contact now and again and make more friends. say you could give him the game but don't confirm it and then just change the conversation to ask if he's free to chat. If he demands the game then I think you'll know where this all stands.