missed signals

Post Reply New Topic

Anyone oblivious or slow to respond to indirect invitations to hang out? Sometimes people are direct and say "hey you want to hang out or something," but most of my acquaintances are usually more indirect.. and I think I've missed 95% of the "indirect invitations".. assuming I'm interpreting these correctly now.. like:

"I want to go watch a movie, but my car is in the shop so I need someone to give me a ride"

instead of:

"Hey let's go watch a movie."

Or sometimes someone asks me what I'm doing later and though I guess that should be obvious, my brain doesn't go past the direct Q and A logic:

"What are you doing after class?"

"Going home"

that first example usually isn't the type to be lost on me, though i could easily see the second one going straight over my head

Are those invitations?

The first one, I would take to mean that the person is looking for a ride, but didn't actually want to see the movie me. I would probably think that the person shouldn't expect a ride without inviting the driver to accompany him to the movie, but I wouldn't want to presume that they want to watch the movie with me." In other words, I wouldn't take that as an invitation. Well, I might if I already knew the person liked me and had a strange way of saying things.

The question, "what are you doing after class?" does not sound like an invitation to me. It sounds like the person is curious about what I do when I'm done with class. If I say, "going home", then the person is free to say, "Do you think you might like to go get a coffee?" or whatever. If they don't say that, then I'll never know that they were trying to invite me to do something.

Oh...I just thought of a possibility for the first one. As I type this, I can't see your profile, so I don't know if you are male or female, but I think if a guy wants to see a movie, and would like some company, he might try to ask another guy in a way that doesn't sound like he's asking for a date. With two women, I think it's different.

This is how I would interpret those situations.

Is that an invitation to hang out? I get asked that question and answer "Going home" a couple times a week.

Hmm.. I guess it also kind of depends on the context so some things that I thought were 100% invitations are more like 50%.. or more like a potential "opening" in the conversation where I can take the initiative and say myself "you want to go do something?"

classic Aspie answer, love it!

This sort of direct answer is very frustrating. I don't know how many times people have tried to strike up a conversation or initiative social behaviour and I've completely missed the point. It's not until eight hours later that it finally clicks *sigh* and by that time it's much too late.

These sort of questions never phase me like what are you doing after class is usually an indirect question of "if your not doing anything maybe we could hang out?"

And saying i going to see a movie but i need a ride the common NT answer would be to say "hey ill give you a lift if you want" otherwise they would just say im going to see a movie and not mention the car ride an if they say nothing about the ride then its not an invitation.

Thats the thing about NT they put hiiden messages in their sentences and i know just about all of them although theres a couple i still dont understand in like dating terms but thats beside the point. xD

hope this helps

"Hidden messages," thats perfect, i might steal that one.

Its quite true though isnt it how they instantly exspect you to know what there "really" trying to tell you!

Half the time I'd bet the NT's don't even know what each other are talking about.

That would explain so much in the world..

Same.. I wouldn't want to presume that someone wanted to do something with me if they didn't expressly say something.. and even if they did, I'd be hesitant. If they think they want to do something with me, than that means that they like me a little bit. Getting to know me more would change their mind!

"What are you doing after class?"
Is ... not an invitation but ... checking the ground before inviting somebody (and risking to lose face because the other person doesn't want)

I would interpret it more like 'Why would the other person be interested in whether I am going to the library or home? (Doesn't make sense) They want to know if I have a fixed schedule or are free to do something, and they want to know if I might want to spend that time with them or not.'
Saying directly that you want to spend time with somebody you don't know that well yet puts you into an inferior position (because when the other person knows you like them more than they like you, they can abuse that knowledge to make you do things for them) and most people do not like putting themselves into inferior positions.

I think I can clearly see this kind of invitation ... when it's not aimed at myself.

Last edited by zombiecide on 24 Dec 2009, 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

people ask probing question like "are you busy today? what are you doing tonight?" to find out if you are likely to say "yes" if they ask you directly. of course, many people assume that if you say "yes i am busy," you probably won't want to go see a movie and they don't ask. NTs think asking directly is impolite and that it is obvious for you to follow up to probing questions, however, you don't know to do that. it's ok. don't worry about it.

I have always taken this literal. I never knew it meant something. But then I would wonder why they asked me that so I always asked "Why?" thinking they had something great going on and mabe they wanted to invite me so they were making sure I had no plans. So I was close to understanding this or why else would they ask? But then they would just walk on saying they were just wondering so I guess they were literal in that question. It had no double meaning. When I ask that question, I literally mean it because I want to see if they have any plans before inviting them to do something with me which is never. I only do it with my husband. Then I figured out when someone asks me this, they maybe have plans and they want to invite me along so I ask what do they have in mind. This is my family that does this and most of the times, they are just curious, not them wanting to invite me along. I don't know why they are so curious. I don't go asking my parents on the phone what they are doing this weekend or asking my mother what she is doing on her day off. Why would I care?

But I figure if people wanted to invite me, they would ask me if I want to come or tell me what they are doing and then ask me if I want to come after I tell them my plans. I could change my own plans to be with them and they never know.

So when people ask this question, they aren't always using the double meaning, they literally mean it because they are just curious. Do people tell the difference between those two questions? I sure can't tell. But I always ask them why or what do they have in mind.