Appropriate or inappropriate?

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My best friend, about I'd say less than a year ago, died. He was about my age. A few weeks back, they sent me a Christmas card. My parents tell me that I have to respond, like it's some sort of "societal norm" or something. I have since kept the card that they sent me, but I have not responded. The computer (I think I lost the envelope) that had my friend's address on it is currently in need of serious repairs. Finally, I don't really like cards. They exert some sort of pressure on you, like "OMG! I got a card! I have to respond in a timely fashion, and not when I want to/when it would be convenient! OH NOES!" That being said, I have four questions.

#1: Since my computer broke and I lost their address, would a phone call to tell them Merry Xmas/Happy New Year be inappropriate?
#2: If #1 is appropriate, would it further be appropriate to say that I'd rather wish them Merry Xmas over the phone, rather than sending them a card? I very rarely know what to say/what type of card to get people (I mean, obviously, I'd get a Christmas card...but, maybe I want to be a heartfelt one, and not a Santa card (which seem to be for family), etc.)
#3: Is it appropriate to just not send a card at all? (Again, I HATE cards)
#4: Can someone please explain to me this societal norm of card-giving that I don't seem to understand? To me, a phone call is more heartfelt and personal than any card could ever be. Do only certain people give cards to each other? And so on?

I hope this didn't sound like a rant, and if it did, please read just questions 1-4. Thanks!

#1: Phone call appropriate

#2: What you'd rather wish in a phone call is appropriate. If a card, maybe a peace on earth, warmest wishes, something like that.

#3: It is indeed a "societal norm". Not required, but often expected.

#4: Sometimes you don't want to be heartfelt, sometimes you just want to acknowledge that you remember them and wish them well. Some people hate to talk on the phone.

It's not a bad idea to get one of those boxes of assorted Xmas cards, usually pretty inexpensive. There will be an assortment of different styles and you can choose the right cards for the right people. You will know who gets a Santa, who gets a Nativity scene, and who gets a dove of peace or a snowy landscape. Then you just sign your name to it. Sometimes a phone call can be more emotionally fraught than people want to deal with, and a card has the right degree of distance. If you want, you can add a personal note inside. Social obligation met.

Hi, Mutanatia. I'm assuming that the "they" who sent you the card are the parents of your dead friend. Yes, you DO need to respond, and it's not just about societal norms, but about people's feelings, which are MUCH more important.

Presumably this was the first Christmas that your friends' parents have spent without their son, and they would have been grieving over that. By sending you a Christmas card, they were acknowledging the friendship you had with him. Since he was your best friend, I'm assuming you were a very important person in HIS life, too.

It's too late for you to send a Christmas card now, but what you need to do is to buy a "Thinking of you" card and in it write a short and sincere note thanking them for the Christmas card they sent you, acknowledging their loss and telling them how much you miss him and how much he meant to you. Write a rough draft of the note first and get your parents to check it before you write in the actual card- it's important to get the wording right.

The reasons why a card is probably better than a phone call in this instance is that a card can be kept as a permanent memento by his parents and also it's easier to get the words right in a card because you can think about them in advance, whereas a phone call to a grieving parent may be rather awkward. I'm sure you can look up the address somewhere.

If you DON'T respond, you will look insensitive and uncaring- even if the card means nothing to you, it will probably mean a lot to your friend's parents, ok?

Hope that helps. Jenny

Jenny said it best. It's not about the card, it's about what the card means. You could write a rough draft of a message, and it would still be fine, because it's just showing that he was a good friend of yours. His parents won't understand nor care that you don't like cards.