Asking ex friends what your faults are to try and improve?

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I was encouraged to email my ex friend to ask her what I had done wrong, with the idea that I could then work on those faults and improve, and so find it easier to make friends in the future. The trouble is, now I have my reply, but I'm not sure how to work on things, or what to work on.
Here is the reply, could you lot suggest anything I could do?

"Firstly I want to say that I never intended for us to stop being friends. As far as I was concerned, we were still friends when you texted me and said 'I assume we aren't friends anymore'. Only a couple of hours before I had come and prayed for you in church. I asked what you wanted from our friendship but you wouldn't say, so I had to assume that I must not be the kind of friend you want. After that, you seemed unable to speak to me or be anywhere near me. But that was not my decision. I had stopped spending so much time with you, but that didn't mean I wanted us to get to the place where you couldn't work with me or be around me.

Reasons I stopped spending so much time with you are:

I found it very difficult because I felt I always had to decide what we would do - ie if we were going to watch a DVD, go for a walk, just chat etc. When we ate together, I felt I always had to choose what it would be. I felt you weren't willing to say what you wanted, and then I never quite knew if you were happy with what I decided. So I felt pressured into trying to guess what you would like. I feel this is unfair. Being friends requires effort on both parts, even in things like decisions about how to spend an evening

We chatted on a number of occasions about how I need plenty of time to myself. And you seemed to understand that. Yet, you often commented that I was 'antisocial', which I feel is untrue. I like people, yet I need time alone. When I wanted time to myself you often gave me the impression that you thought I was ignoring you or being unfair to you and made me feel guilty. I find being with people very draining, and I thought I had explained that if I wanted time alone it wasn't personal. On a number of occasions we had made plans, but I felt I needed time to myself. I understand that it's not nice to be cancelled on at the last minute, but I have to look after my own health.

On occasion you pointed out to someone else (in front of me) the number of times I had cancelled on you, as if you were keeping score of what you saw as the ways I had let you down. After a while you said that you would rather we didn't make plans than make them and then have them cancelled, so I was reluctant to make plans that I may have to cancel.

I also felt that you kept pointing out my faults, and seemed to keep count of them, which made it difficult to relax and be myself. Being with people uses up a lot of energy for me, and not being able to relax properly made it harder.

I found it difficult that you always had to be right. No matter what it was, I was never allowed to win any kind of discussion/argument. I felt as if my feelings or wants weren't important to you. For example, when we were at church you insisted on sitting on the end of the row, even when I said I wanted to sit there

I hope that helps."

Well, pull out the conctrete things he or she mentions.

One thing is you letting him/her control things in terms of deciding and planning your activities and meals together. This means you are leaving the responsibility on your friend alone. It could be that it just doesnt matter for you, but saying "Want to watch a movie tonight? What about Indiana Jones?" or "Lets go out for chinese tomorrow, you up for that?" might help take load off. It ALSO may seem that lack of intrest in planning or wanting to do specific things made your former friend uncertain of you. Maybe he/she thought they were draining on you and that you didnt really WANT to spend time with them since you never wanted to do something together.

Another specific thing mentioned is the seating at church. With friends you sometimes have to put your wishes in second row, and doing so about small things can help alot. If you feel you need to insist on "having your way" with things such as seating in church, offer an explanation.

Example - you both want to sit on the end. You either go "No, I sit here" and sit down. Or you can go "Do you mind if I sit on the end? I relax alot more when not having a stranger next to me." Here you're offering a reason, an explanation of why you need your way to happen and not let your friend have the best spot.

I reckon this goes for other things too. If your friend wants to tell you something about their day and you suddenly remember something about YOUR day. Let them speak first if you can. Friendship is alot about giving eachother attention and if you only take the attention without giving any back it can become very tiresome for people to be around you.


I dont know if that helps at all...

In future, it may be best not to 'officially' end friendships. Some come and go and them come back again; the last thing you want to do is slam the door on them, unless you really don't want to see them again.




I've been in this situation myself, and is very draining. It's hard to realise you're doing it though, and she should have said something, but maybe she had in the past, or was afraid of being rude.

In future, as Thellie says, make a conscious effort to suggest things to do yourself and don't be afraid to have an opinion or preference.



I don't think you should have suggested she was antisocial for needing space; different people have different social thresholds. That said, cancelling last minute because she 'feels she needs time to herself' is not on and you had every right to be upset. I actually think she deserved to have her cancellations made public; you may have your faults, but so does she!


Unfortunately, she does have a point here; you both have faults and as friends, you have to put up with some of them. Nobody wants to hang around with someone who is going to criticise them constantly. You also need to learn to compromise on things you may not necessarily agree on.

She sounded polite in her email, so maybe it would be worth trying to give the friendship another go?