The stupid dance of communication.....

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Things I have noticed with friends......please tell me if any of you have experienced similar.....

1. I do not miss people.....more I am annoyed/frightened at the change of routine if they disappear for any length of time.
2. It is very difficult for me to act "loving" all the time.
3. Friends bore me most of the time even though I do love them.
4. Most of the time I feel like I am being taken for granted or being taken advantage of.
5. I do not identify with need so then become a sounding board because most of the time I cannot express how I feel or don't know the cause of how I feel. My processes are usually internal and rarely feel the need to ask for advice or air grievances.
6. When I tell a mate I am stressed, they kind of just gloss over it and move on to some new toy they bought.
7. When I recently told a friend of mine about my AS dx, they promptly went on to explain that they thought that of themselves and I never even got a chance to talk about it. I was very confused at the time and just wanted some support.
8. If people behave inconsistently, it borders on fear for me.
9. Humans are frightening.



At 36, I feel I am no closer to understanding this delicate dance of relationships and intimacy. My fiance is great and I have a couple of mates that I see that do not annoy/frighten/bore me. Is this a constant? One would think with the lessons I have learned, I would pick better people, or not get succked in all the time. I do not understand agendas, or hidden meanings or any of that garbage. People are just really, really strange.


Thanks for listening to this rubbish........I actually feel I have no idea what I am talking about.

Mics

Well, I'll go one by one and we'll see?


1. I do not miss people.....more I am annoyed/frightened at the change of routine if they disappear for any length of time.

I don't miss many people. There are exceptions, such as my husband and kids. Although more so my kids than my husband. I can go days without needing to interact with him, but I do miss my kids when they're not around. But friends often fall away for me if they don't learn or understand why *i* never call *them* and *they* have to call *me* because I don't reach out. It's not so much that I don't care.... it's just that I don't think of picking up a phone or inviting them over. < shrugs >


2. It is very difficult for me to act "loving" all the time.

I get cranky when I haven't been cranky in awhile. It's like it builds up. My husband is good at diffusing it though and that aggravates me. Sometimes I just wanna be cranky, does that make sense? Prolly not.


3. Friends bore me most of the time even though I do love them.

I like making new friends for this reason. I get just so sick of hearing about the same thing over and over. My friends must be mentally challenged because they keep making the same mistakes and having similar resulting drama and can go on and on about it. And once I know everything about their pasts.... well, I want to meet someone new that I haven't heard all their stories yet


4. Most of the time I feel like I am being taken for granted or being taken advantage of.

I don't feel that all the time. But all the time I'm told by a friend or family member that a new friend is or even an old friend is. I don't see it until someone points it out to me that I'm unappreciated. Occasionally I do feel that way with my husband though and pitch a fit like a toddler and then he apologizes and promises to do better and I'm happy until the next time when he takes me for granted again


5. I do not identify with need so then become a sounding board because most of the time I cannot express how I feel or don't know the cause of how I feel. My processes are usually internal and rarely feel the need to ask for advice or air grievances.

I rarely feel the need for advice but I do air grievances sometimes... a lot of the times. LOL But I don't analyze it much if that makes sense. I do it because it's a female thing, I guess. That just wanting to be heard but don't need fixing thing.


6. When I tell a mate I am stressed, they kind of just gloss over it and move on to some new toy they bought.

That might tie in to our inability to properly express just how stressed out we are. I have a friend who refuses to hang up the phone when I tell her I'm done talking. Talking on the phone really is irritating for me and she goes on for hours at a time. I give her 20 minutes when I"m stressed and then say I have to go. She's like "no you don't. " GR. I hang up on her now. She still calls me so I guess she doesn't find it offensive.

7. When I recently told a friend of mine about my AS dx, they promptly went on to explain that they thought that of themselves and I never even got a chance to talk about it. I was very confused at the time and just wanted some support.

Kids and young adults and some adult adults suffer from the "me too" thing. They hear a new diagnosis and want it for them to feel like they fit in. If they truly had AS, they'd not be happy to "fit in with those who do not fit in." I think it's becoming chic to be an outcast! As more awareness is made by celebrities and so forth with any diagnosis, the # of people diagnosed with it increases because they want to be like that and be "popular" because of the diagnosis. Weird, huh? And they say *we're* abnormal!


8. If people behave inconsistently, it borders on fear for me.

Same here. I like predictability. If their behavior doesn't follow a set pattern, that is scary.

9. Humans are frightening.

Well, yeah.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!! !! to the above post.......thank you.

And yes, you clarified something for me.......the taking for granted thing I spoke of, it wasn't until my psych pointed it out that I realised. I am so much "live and let live" that I rarely see it myself. My partner points it out to me sometimes and so does my mum. Like, " you are doing too much for that person" or 'that person is making you unhappy with his/her behaviour" or some such thing......

I feel it acutely with my partner and son.......similar to what you said. My son is 14.......manipulation seems part of teenage DNA
Cheers for that excellent post......

Mics

< blushes and stuff > gosh...

I'm glad you could relate to it.

And yeah, my oldest son is 11 and he's ahead of his time with the whole teenager thing. He also has Asperger's. My youngest son has PDD/NOS. Sooo... my husband (neurotypical) gets to deal with 3 autistic people 24/7... ain't he lucky? lol

But I don't see a lot of things that other people see as far as that whole taking advantage of. My mom was constantly telling me when I was growing up, "You don't have to buy your friends. If they're your friends they will like you for you." Because I'd simply give away my last dollar to anyone who asked for it. It just wasn't that important to me.

I see that in my youngest son too. He doesn't care if his brother uses his own $2 at arcade and Brandon hasn't yet.. oldest, Thom, will ask Brandon for one of his. B gives it to T , no problem even if it's the last dollar he has. I don't want to curb that kind of generosity becuase i've figured this out: God will give me more when I give it away.

Nice......I really liked that last bit. Warm fuzzies....

As for your husband and your family........the challenges always keep us on our toes, eh? You sound like you are all very supportive of each other.......I like that.

Cheers,

Mics

yeah, we are for the most part. HOWEVER.. we're still human and have our moments of.. non-supportive behavior...

are you and your family close and supportive?

My fiance is great but struggles sometimes, my son who does not have AS is embarrased by me, calls me a nerd and can be downright terrifying but I know he loves me and I am pretty strict about respect and having morals, my father is relieved that I am getting the help I need and has always been supportive and my mother and I are repairing a very ugly past.

I still feel very alone sometimes in a crowded room and my family often feel like strangers.......and that is usually when they are hiding something or behaving strangely or consistently misreading me. But my fiance loves science so we have heaps to talk about and he is generally very encouraging with my hobbies(as long as I don't spend every last cent we have on them ).

He is very sociable and active where I am not......and conflict arises occasionally from this. I do extend myself though as it is important for him, but if I just can't.......well, I just CAN'T. I do try and compromise.

Thanks for asking.......it is good to talk to you.

Take care,

Mics

it's good to talk with someone who can relate, huh?

It might be easier to take this to email tho... [email protected] if you prefer.

I'm lucky in that my husband is not a go-out type of person. He's a homebody like me

It's the kids' things I get taxed with. Hubby is disabled and on oxygen 24/7 so he can't do things like go to the kids' school programs and such.. so I always had to be the one to go and some days it just about KILLED me to go...

The last one was my oldest's band night.. and I was having beyond a bad day. That same day someone had lost their son by drowning. It made me think how special my moments with my kids are because anything can happen in the blink of an eye and it was enough to get me through.... however I slept for 12 hours afterwards!

That's my way of coping... sleeping. I"ll be up for days at a time and when I finally have enough.. I conk out.

My oldest, who does have AS, is probably the harshest of us all but I recognize he's felling alone or hurt and is just lashing out... but it doesnt hurt any less to know where it comes from...

and I, too, get that "alone but with people" feeling. I hear it's common among Aspies.

I have this thing about not missing people and feeling alone in a crowd of people thing too. How can we be both at once?? I think because we are oxymorons.

People, animals have died in my life...I felt nothing...blank, when they died. Then all the sudden, three years later I am overcome with grief. Then I just get over it and go on.

As far as the loneliness thing...alot of the time I feel like I am in my own world on my own solitary planet encased in the earth/world around me. It is a weird feeling, but it is life as I always known it.

However, I think you will find some healing in researching the Heyoke, which is a native american sacred clown.
They did not follow social customs...instead the mocking of socail customs was what made them sacred to their people because they were like quality control on social customs, always questioning their effeciency. They were holy men and women and they used their AS like qualities as guides and healers and sometimes warrors.

Much to be learned from them, even now. The only thing about them that was not AS-like was the fact that they were highly unpredictable...but in a way, their unpredictability was very high predictable. They were always unpredictable.

Anyway...I think it would be healing to us...if AS people were treated with the reverence rather than anoyance.
Not saying that we should start an AS cult but that some respect for our views of things might be helpful.

Jojo

Yeah, and in some ways I think we are getting better understanding as more autism awareness is being raised... but on the other hand, it's not so much. For instance, every time an Autism Speaks commercial is viewed, a stereotype that having autism is a "tragedy" is perpetuated. I am not saying having a child diagnosed with autism is the best thing in the world, but Autism is not fatal! Parents need hope... not devastation...

Ya as some has posted here...I think autism speaks is more of a political agenda than anything because there was a survey done and most people with AS, who are moderate to higher functioning, are very leftist in political views. So I think autism speaks is more of a neo-conservative agenda. Not that abortion is accepted by them, but if it means ensuring the future of their party then ya...I think they would overlook the abortion issue behind the scenes.

Did you check out the heyoke online? It is really interesting


Jojo

I did. Some very fascinating information... still reading so thank you for sharing...

your welcome...it was very healing to me

Okay, time to break this down somewhat.

Agreed. More so if I spend alot of time with the person. I don't miss them, but I do fear for how it would affect me if something were to happen and they were to disappear forever (or, in some cases, I find the spare time without them somewhat unbearable - most time the computer fixes this, but even I have moments of boredom).



I've never really understood "love". For me, all I consider "love" as is a feeling of being able to socialise fully with, hug freely with, maybe kiss freely with and be unable to hurt a person that you "love". However, for me, "love" is a rather subtle effect. Although I cheer up and feel more confident when with those I love, it doesn't suddenly reverse a bad mood etc. Anyway, on-topic, I have the opposite problem - my parents always complain about me hugging them too often - despite the fact I would never hug anyone else.



Agreed. No matter how much I say to them, they only speak back with few words. They make small talk, while I want a conversation that can last for a while - merely to pass the time and, more or less, get to know the person as much as possible. True, I do get mentally and socially drained after a few long conversations, but if it helps me socially and I can still maintain my academics - there's no problem feeling drained every once in a while.



Agreed. I am the friend that is rarely spoken to, rarely listened to and the supplier of various free pens and pencils. I have spent restless nights wondering why I allow myself to be taken advantage of. The answer? By doing so, I actually get a chance to socialise with others that I consider to be my "friends". However, I have known enough betrayal to be even the slightest bit wary of them - but I know I am almost fully dependant on them. My #3 was referring to when I speak to friends as individuals. When in a group, I am always the one left out. As individuals, they are true friends. In groups, depending on the people in the group, they are to viewed as anywhere on the scale of "Still Friends" to "Backstabbing Idiots".



I apologise. It may just be me being sleep deprived, but I can't seem to comprehend what is being said here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this the same as "bottling up all your emotions until you burst in a fit of rage and anger"? If so, I have a similar problem.



If there's two things I've learnt, it's that people always like to talk about themselves and, because of which, you should add more emphasis onto what you say to make sure they hear correctly and comment on it. (E.G: You: I've been having a little bit of trouble at the moment with X. Friend: Oh, really? I've just bought [insert game here] yesterday. You: Yeah, X has been doing this, and that - it just gets so annoying.)



They say either say "I've heard of that", "I have that" etc. purely to fit in and, with me, they know that if I were to explain it then it'd turn into a long conversation. One of my friends has a parent that worked in a mental hospital. That parent told him, briefly, that Aspergers Syndrome is an "illness" that means we must follow specific routes... Yeah, miss out our most important features and add in that it's an "illness". Up until now, that's all my friends really know about it.



Agreed 100%. I like to be able to predict people's every move so I can gather information on them to use them in any plans of mine. I'm known to be a very manipulative and cunning person, and only my friends know of my "kindness" and "innocence" as a guise with a hidden purpose (I am "kind" and "innocent", but I'm more "cold" and "calculating"). If they begin acting unpredictably, I once again need to change all current misconceptions I have of them and improvise my analysis of them. If they act unpredictable, you no longer know whether they are threat or not - you can no longer control them or use them. This is the fear in it's simplest form. However, on various video games, I use this tactic often by choosing the rarest combination of abilities, the rarest moves etc. to play mind games on the enemy and trick them completely. This "fear" or unpredictability can be used both ways.



Only when you do not know them. If you don't know them, you know not of what they are capable of and, thus, cannot control them or understand them.