How to deal with awkward people more effectively?

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One thing that has very commonly occurred with me is that I am often ill prepared to put up with any 'rubbish' from people.

I define this as:
"When one person speaks to another, either in an inappropriate or undesirable manner, or when the person visibly treats the other in a way in which they would not like to be treated, regardless of the reason."

There have been several examples of this in the past and for each time I have poorly coped with it. One example is today (at the time of writing this post). A few weeks ago I heard about a school trip to Auschwitz to which I expressed some interest by coming to a teacher for an application form. It was a trip in which two students were required in order for it to go forward. However, I changed my mind about it and emailed the teacher to let her know. She was very unhappy at me and also said that "I've really let her down" because she "spent a lot of her free time trying to extend the deadline" for which the trip could the paid. This meant that my friend who also wanted to go on the trip, now can't. I did not know that him being able to go depended on my definitely going, and at no point did I actually specify that I would actually like to go. Therefore I felt upset at that the teacher was trying to make me feel very guilty, and also . I had no response.

In situations like this I do get very upset and can't feel at ease unless I've spoken to my parents about it. However, there'll be a point when I can't do this. These situations don't occur very often and soon after the event has occurred I feel the need to stop worrying about it. However, by doing this, I don't make myself any more prepared for other situations like this which might occur, and I therefore make no progress in this regard, and it gets me every time.

How can I learn to deal with situations like this where I end up putting up with deliberate crap from people? I don't want to feel as if I am losing, so what general tips can I use to help me to cope with these?

Some people say the best strategy is to say nothing, but I think that only internalises the negative feelings I get when these events occur.

I've thought of a couple of responses that I could perhaps learn off by heat:
- Would you like to vary your tone of voice?
- Do you realise that your tone of voice is very innappropriate?

Could anybody suggest any more?

> How can I learn to deal with situations like this where I end up putting up with deliberate crap from people?

Accept what you cannot change. Telling other people to change generally doesn't work. Now, if it's a pattern with someone close to you, you can ask for change in some cases, but mostly it's best to let things go. Your teacher pressured you some and judged you unfairly it seems, or you took it that way at least, and this is not a general situation that is likely to occur. In something more egregious, like if your teacher were screaming and swearing at you, I'd go to the principal, but in this case the behaviour seems in the normal acceptable realm and letting go of it is best.

How would I go about doing that without letting it upset me later? There have been times when I have been so struck by a situation that it can upset me for months, whilst most people would rattle it off after the first couple of days.

You could accept culpability and resolve to try and not give people the wrong impression next time. By going to pick up the application form you gave the impression you were definitely going on the trip, why else would you go out of your way to get the form?
Your teacher then spent her own unpaid free time to do you a favor so you and your friend could go on the trip, she wouldn't have done that if she'd known your interest was only mild. Now in her eyes you've thrown the favor back in her face and she's wasted her time. Your friend will probably be disappointed too.
I know this is harsh and I'm sorry to say it but I'm afraid you're the one giving the crap the reason she's trying to make you feel guilty is because you deserve to and she can see you don't. You didn't realise your actions were going to have these effects so apologise if you haven't already take take your dressing down on the chin and learn from it.

Well she actually said that I could see her for 10 minutes to hear what it was about, and that's where she gave me the form. I didn't ask her for the form, she just gave it to me, but I didn't actually specify "I would like to go." Sorry if I wasn't specific enough.



Isn't that what teachers do? They have to mark books, mock exams, and coursework. Surely every teacher should be used to having to do things outside of their work regardless of whether they want to or not. Life's like that. To be honest, I couldn't care less how much time they put into extending the deadline; I DID NOT CONFIRM THAT I WANTED TO GO ON THE TRIP.



I'm not going to apologise, the teacher did not specify that "If you decide not to go, then the other person can't go". She used the opportunity to merely whinge at me because of her frustration that I changed my mind.

Pardon me if I'm sounding self-opinionated, but the teacher did not have to whinge at me and she knew that saying that to me would yield no practical benefit. I have a right to make my own decisions and if people occasionally disagree with them, then I could metaphorically give them two words, the second of which would be "off". I've often been pointed out for worrying about other people's problems too much and being oversensitive to them. Let me worry about me for a change.

Thank you for the diplomatic feedback, but this is sidetracking from what the thread was originally about, "How to deal with awkward people more effectively?" If this thread has been turned into a rampage in which people are telling me off for other people's insecurities, then I will restart this thread under a new name.

Lol, you're exactly the kind of person who gives people Cassandra Syndrome. You created this miscommunication but since she acted angry she must be in the wrong.

Anyway, the real problem is that these situations make you feel bad, besides that there is no real problem. So someone got mad at you? So what? They'll get over it.

The problem is that deep down you feel guilty. Realize that there is always going to be awkward situations and it is physically and logically impossible to prevent all of them.

Emotional pain is always a sign of fear. Ask yourself what you are actually afraid of.

You should try to understand where your teacher is coming from. It may seem counterintuitive, it may seem like it would just make you feel guilty, but being able to understand her actions as reasonable will make you feel better. If you don't take the time to understand, it makes your world seem like a place where people just attack you out of nowhere for no reason. Maybe that's what you are afraid of.

Very well written.
I was following this post, and I agreed with deep-techno all the way through, until this point.
I didn't realize that it was fear, and I wouldn't have seen, even if it was myself in that situation.
I think this just shows the ToM failing

Sometimes, as someone said, you just have to accept it and realize it's not your stuff.

In some cases (depending on the nature), it can work just to see it as that person's quirt, and accept it as part of how they are.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice on what to say when it is appropriate to say something.

No teachers get paid to mark and prepare work at home (and it takes up a lot of time) they don't get paid to arrange extra carricular trips. Just because you didn't CONFIRM you wanted to go on the trip doesn't mean you didn't make it seem like you wanted, remember you may have not been aware of your own non-verbal signals that would indicate such things. Maybe your friend had confirmed and she assumed you had both decided together since without 2 pupils the trip wouldn't go ahead.
I think personally that it's pretty obvious a school wouldn't take one pupil on a trip like that, I'm surprised they even thought about taking as little as two, it seems that getting permission to take such a small class may have been the favour she did for you.
There's a good chance she now looks bad to the person who she go the permission off (the head of the school) which could even effect her career advancement oppertunities.

You don't need to apologise but that teacher will not look kindly on you in future and teachers talk to each other about their pupils. Teachers have a lot of power over a person's future so it's better to be on their good side. I'm sure if you explained how you didn't realise what would happen she might be more sympathetic towards you in the long run.

Blue Mage is right. You wouldn't feel bad if there wasn't a reason. The reason you feel guilty is because you feel guilty. You may have a problem identifying what your feelings are which is known as Alexithymia which is common with aspies.