Decoding Mom Talk

Post Reply New Topic

I love my mom. She's the only one in my extended family who seems to even try to understand me. But even she says things that are confusing. For example:

"Were you ignoring me?"

She usually asks me this when I fail to hear her call for me, either because I was listening to music through my earphones. Yeah, the music could be too loud, so I could just not be hearing her. But other times the music is down and I still don't hear her because I'm somewhere in La-La-Land. This is one of those loaded questions where you can't answer without shooting yourself. If I say that I couldn't hear her, she'll bicker for the umpteenth time about my music is too loud. If I said that my music wasn't that loud, or that I wasn't even listening to it, she'll think that I was ignoring her on purpose.

Oh, and there's my favorite:

"You always have something to say back."

What does that even mean? Does anyone know? Maybe it's because of where I live (Birmingham, Alabama). I have no clue so I just don't say anything. All I know is that it has something to do with my defensive nature or something like that.

Does anyone have any problems decoding Mom or Dad talk? Any tips?

ya I got accused of not listening alot as a teen...but that is part of autism....I can hear someone saying something, but not tuned in enough to realize that I am being spoke to. Just tell your mom that part of being autistic is what is called an auditory processing dysfunction. Means you can hear sounds but unless you are really focusing...it sounds like mumble like the teacher on charlie brown.

2ndly, "You always have something to say back." means, "I am your mother, what I say is final...any discussion after that is mutuny" Parrents like to be right...no matter what

I think that actually "You always have to say something back" in the context that he used it means she wants a response no matter what. I had a lot of trouble with that one, sometimes still do. And my son is terrible about it. The problem is, if you do not respond at all then the other person does not know if they should assume you are ignoring them or what.

Something I have decided personally is that instead of floating about in my head if I am not sure what my husband meant, I am going to ask him outright, "I do not understand what you are asking/know the answer, will you please clarify?"

My "problem" is that I have this compulsion of correcting mistakes in what Mom says. That's when she usually says it. I've found that she doesn't like being corrected, even when she needs to be. She probably doesn't want her irrationality to be revealed.

I'm not understanding why you need it decoded. The first seems pretty strait forward. The 2nd, sounds like you've figured it out. Looks to me like the issue is not decoding what she's saying, but figuring out how to respond.

My thoughts on how to reply to "Were you ignoring me" are, "Not on purpose. What did you want?" (Or what were you saying, or some such, something showing you are ready to listen). Or, "Sorry, I was focused on what I was doing", again, followed by an invitation to say whatever it is they were saying.

As for the other issue, I think, generally, it's best to realise she doesn't like being corrected and don't do it unless it's really important. Or in some cases, save it for later.

But, as for how to reply to the comment when you do get it, basically, don't reply to the literal statement. Especially, don't reply with anything about whether it's true that you "always" do that. Stick to the topic of the moment.

I doubt it is her irrationality as much as your obvious attitude towards her. Instead of "correcting her" you might try saying to her, "Did you mean....?"

That way she can clarify, and you do not end up looking argumentative. Often it is better to be happy than right. If you make your parental units angry, even if you are correct, it does not improve your quality of life.

well I have to agree that you seem to understand what your mom is saying just fine. It also seems like you want to rant rather than try to understand her. Although she may not always be correct, you will find that correcting her too often will cause a divide between you and her. Sometimes you can win the debate and lose the relationship and I am sure you mother is more important to you...than being right.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Poor choice of words.

I just gave examples, but I was just trying to say that she tends to tell me things that contradict each other or are unclear, and it makes me frustrated. As much as I would like to be polite, I can't help but feel that a small part of me wants to be snarky. It's bad, I know.