"dissapearing" people

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I have had this happen numerous times to me, and can't seem to figure out why anyone would even think that it's good manners, or socially acceptable. Apparently though, it's quite common among NT's, and they think nothing of it!

I will meet someone, be it a guy, but it usually happens with a girl, when planning a date. They will be interested in a friendship. It starts off great, a few phone calls, maybe meeting for a meal or an event or something. Everything looks like the friendship is going great, and the other person seems interested in spending time with me. Suddenly however, that person just breaks off all communictaions. They won't return phone calls, won't return E-mails, and won't even answer the door to me. They just sort of act like I don't exist, totally ignoring me. There will be absloutley no word from the other party as to why they are trying to avoid me, or even any signs before the cutoff occurs that I am aggrivating, boring, or turning off that person whatsoever.

I get VERY angry at this, and it really burns me inside. I've had quite a few friendships with interesting people that I wish to keep going that just disappear. I'd love to know what it was I did that turned that person off, but they don't say anything or attempt any sort of contact to clear up whatever issue is at hand. To me, it's extremely rude, and the other party is literally LYING to me by playing it out that they are actually interested in spending time with me.

I have yet to figure out why anyone would do this to another person, it's got to be the ultimate in rudeness!

My friendships usually teeter off by the first year, but I had a similar incident happen to me this year too, except with a girl. She was 10 years older then me, and due to that age difference (and the fact that she has a boyfriend) I regarded her as a valuable friend. She asked me out to lunch one time, just to chat and I decided to repay the favour a little while later by asking the same. She never returned me e-mail address or said anything more to me.

Yes I know how it feels. I think they are always looking into things too much, which presents a huge problems. NTs always apply an extra coat of layer to any conversation, while the things we say we mean literally.

Same thing happens here! I hate it.

That's an area I've found tough.

Sadly, this is a part of the NT world. The bad news is that, in many cases, this means they aren't interested in being friends, or something more, with you. People don't like to say "No, I am not interested in you" into anyone's face--they've made up their mind and don't want to say it in an interactive environment where they'd have to hear the other person's counterarguments if any, so they simply cut off all communications. That's why when someone blocks someone else on AOL Instant Messenger, it simply makes it appear like they're never online, with no literal "this person has blocked you" message.

While the examples you gave were of attempts to be genuine friends, this particularly happens in areas where women want to reject men who have asked them out on dates. Some dating services, and more recently, myspace.com, have introduced profiles and pages which women can give, in place of their actual ones, which lead to a "No I am not interested in you" message, so that the woman doesn't have to say no to the man's face. I even know of female friends who, when a guy they don't like asks them for their phone number, intentionally give out the wrong number rather than say "no." That friend told me she felt remorse over that decision and debated doing the right thing by saying no directly, but still, IMHO, this trend is not good.

The good news is, you're not alone. This is something that is hard even for NTs to really understand all that well, let alone people on the spectrum.

In an ideal world, people would say they don't want to continue relations--be they friendships or something more--directly to the other person (whether in person, by email, or phone is up to them), to eliminate any ambiguity or games--and the person who receives this information would respect that decision (after all, if you wanted to break off ties with someone else, would you want them constantly coming after you?). The NT world is definately far from ideal.

Their ignoring you, even if it is because they don't want to talk to you, doesn't mean you're a bad person and you're doesn't mean you're a mean person--their breaking off things with you may reflect a misunderstanding on their part. In the end, it's their loss, to pass up on the possibility of a friendship.

This has happened to me recently too. I have sent emails or text messages to people asking if they want to meet up and they haven't responded back or anything and I find this to be very hurtful. Especially as some of these people claim to be my friends. Another thing thats happened to me is I've been trying to contact my half brother (I have never met him and found out where he lived about three years ago) but he won't talk to me anymore, we were getting on quite well too but now its almost as though he has completely cut me off and this hurts too.

In the past couple of weeks though, this one guy I was friends with, who I lost all contact details for as he changed them, got back in contact with me and I found this exciting and amazing. Before this, I hadn't spoken to this guy for about two years so this really cheered me up.

The story of Jessica Lynch frightened me. Jean-Benet Ramsey ended up dead. So, yes, I feel strongly about this.

I thought this was about people vanishing in thin air.

I've had some problems with this in the past, and it happened so frequently I began to not care about it. I totally agree it makes absolutely no sense and it shouldn't even be sociably acceptable by some standards, but Interlocking just sumed it up perfectly. In my opinion, if they just cut off all contact with you, then they probably wouldn't have been a great person to get to know as you would have initially thought. Granted, that may not always be true, but I just tell myself that and hang out with my true friends... and eventually forget about the problem.

Oh, we were talking about non-famous people. Well, I think that just acquaintances we know do vanish into thin air sometimes.

There was a girl I'd been talking to online for a while, who I seemed to be getting on with, and when I asked her out to a local bar about a month ago, she accepted, then stood me up and blocked me. Fortunately, drunk people seem to really like me, so I started talking to one of the friendlier, more fun-looking guys theres, quickly found myself being introduced to all his friends and ended the night going home with a girl (her home), who turned out to be far more interesting and nicer than the one who'd stood me up.

If people decide to ignore you like that, be glad that they saved you from their crappy selves and look for someone who'll actually be nice and care about you.

Can I speak up as someone who's constantly the one who does the disappearing?

When I do it, it's not an attempt to be rude, or to hurt anyone's feelings. I'd really want to avoid hurting people if possible, I just don't know any other way to go about it.

What happens is that someone - usually an extrovert, which of course doesn't exclude people on the spectrum, cause they can be just as friendly - will start trying to initiate contact with me. Sit down at the same table, talk to me before class, wave when passing me in the halls, etc. I'm not sure why I get picked out for this kind of thing... something I exude... but I don't know how to turn it off. I'm very much afraid of hurting people or causing conflict, in-person. My instinctive reaction is to wave back, to reflect their smalltalk, to be accomodating. But I'm a fairly extreme introvert and I'd really rather be left alone. By the time my mind catches up with my body long enough to realize I don't need, don't want, can't handle a friendship, it's too late - because of the way I've reflected them, they think I really like them. It's never personal. I just don't know any good way of saying "I never wanted another friend... can't people please just leave me alone?"

you're not alone... it has happened to me countless times, i try to find out what went wrong so i have a chance to learn but that fails b/c i can't get strait answers out of people.

it seems like NTs want to be treated like s**t and find it odd when they are treated kindly.

I've left people hanging a couple of times too, usually it was because I was confused or scared, or needed time to contemplate the situation. Unfortunately I never let them in on my plan.

Here's a little technique I use. When a girl gives me her number, I always check it to make sure it's real. Here's how.

1. Go to http://www.whitepages.com

2. Click on "Reverse Lookup by Phone"

3. Type in the number the girl gave you and click "Submit"

4. If the name that comes up doesn't match the girl's name, you know it's fake.

5. You save yourself the embarrassment of dialing a wrong number.