considering going silent

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When I was a kid up through my young adulthood, I hardly spoke at all.

In the past few years, I've been making a point of talking to people more and more in an attempt to have friendships. But the thing is I can't tell when or if I've befriended someone, or if they're just patronizing me when I try to converse with them, or if they're just there to laugh at the "silly" things I often say, or if they don't like me and just want me to shut up and go away, etc. And I never really feel I can express myself very well through talking anyways, so it always feels like no matter what I say or how I say it, I've left something important out.

Basically I tried it, I don't feel like I'm having much or any success with it, can't tell either way, and don't feel like I'm getting anything good out of it. And it's uncomfortable to talk, it just doesn't *feel right* to me to talk. It feels... useless and contrived, despite how sincere I am.

Anyways, I'm so frustrated with it that I think I'll give it up and just go back to being non-verbal.

Is there anyone else who feels this way? Anyone else considering going silent?

Yes, it's the greatest source of pain and frustration in my life. You did well describing some of those things too. It's just my biggest nightmare when I do engage in communicating and I too am trying to figure out how I can avoid it more and more. Even through emails sometimes I have difficulties in the social context. Here it isn't social that way so much and when it is it's very limited and brief and I can at least manage that. It really tears down my confidence when I run into problem after problem when trying to relate or make casual exchanges with people on a personal level. I'm also hypercritical of myself which only adds to the agony the whole thing puts me through. I can't entirely wrap my brain around all of it. It's just a nightmare and I hate it and breaks down my confidence which only makes me feel bad about myself. I would be happy if I didn't have to be verbal at all and could be allowed to just 'be' without the constant expectation from others for more.

I used to be silent, but now I'm very verbal in spurts and sometimes I think I get on people's nerves. I have no social life (don't really want one) but sometime I think I overcompensate once I'm comfortable with someone I know through work and babble on and on. But like I said, that's in short spurts. I know 2 people who seem afraid of silence. They never shut up and they are exhausting to be around. Outside I'm saying Uh huh uh huh but inside I'm screaming shut up shut up shut up.

You know, I can relate to that. I never talked much as a child, I have gone months without speaking a single word. Knowing that I am capable of speaking, this would drive my parents mad. I never spoke much as a teen... as an adult, I still do not speak much unless I am in the company of someone I am very familiar with. I say a lot to my husband, my children, my two friends of twenty years... but to everyone else... I really see no point. I would love to never speak a word again. My current situation does not allow for this, as I do have a family and the last thing my children want is a silent mother.

I still have times when I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out. I still have times when others speak and all I can do is wish they would shut up... what Aimless said is truth for me as well... it is exhausting, and all of my internal 'shut ups' are not enough to make the talking of some end fast enough. I hate it when people need to destroy silence.

It is funny to me, I enjoy communicating, but I hate it. I used to think I was good with my words, but clearly I am not. I do better when writing as I can review what I say and have a better chance of noticing if my words are disjointed, coherent, or even related to the topic at hand. I love it when communication works. I love that light that comes on when reality hits that I actually understand and someone actually understands me. But when I talk, that rarely happens and I find vocalized words to be little more than a lot of noise that speaks nothing at all. If I could be silent, I would be.

Yeah, that's me. There are maybe three people I talk to at work, out of the 75 or so people I work with. One of them I always babble and gush to because we like the same video game. Another one I talk to because her son has a lot of the same problems I do. The third one I talk to because, well, he's always been really nice and friendly with me without me ever giving him reason to be.

One of them told me I should be a comedian. I told her it wouldn't work, the audience would have to just sit there quietly for two months while I get used to them, before I could start talking.

Only having three people to talk to still feels overwhelming though.

but not practical. I have gone selectively mute when I fear a meltdown is coming, I get afraid I'll say something that wrecks a relationship. It's funny, looking back, how defensive and concerned Nt's get. What's wrong- i don't feel like talking. Wanna talk? No. Can I help? Yes, leave me alone. They are so intent on talking things out they can't conceive that sometimes you just need to shut up.

My only friends I really have left are those who accept this. One worked in mental health and she does a great job of reaching out via email and then leaving me be. The other has a child with Autism so she gets it on many levels. My hubby and co-workers just cannot let it be, though, and it's times like that I enjoy having long drives to and from work.

That's so true. My partner always falls into that insistent talkiness whenever I'm having a meltdown. I know she does it because she's concerned and cares about me, and I love her for that. But talking still doesn't help me, and I need to figure out the right way to explain that to her, cause she doesn't understand my silence. Sometimes she even gathers our cats around to "talk" to me too.

Why do NT people have to talk so much anyways?

I've gone silent. My stress levels are starting to drop. The exceptions to my silence are my partner, roommate, and others who are at the Secure level on my Safe List (a points-based people vetting system I came up with over the past couple of days to help me know who to interact with and how seriously), and I will respond to interaction initiated by anyone on my General Safe List, but not initiate interaction with them myself.

Everyone else in my life has had their points set at zero until they score enough to get on my General Safe list. Until then, I'm not talking to anyone not on the lists.

And I'm feeling much better.

I am usually much less stressed the more silent I become.
I find just making any effort to communicate extremely stressful, sometimes more than others.

But if you are able to talk, you should talk.
But if you don't feel like talking, then don't!