struggling with friend seeming unreliable and inconsiderate

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i have a friend with AS. he lived in my house for 5 months and just moved out to go to college program (highly structured/supervised/many obligations).

he's overwhelmed, busier than he's ever been in his entire life, and adjusting to new people, at least 30 new weekly requirements/expectations, new housing, etc.

HUGE adjustments.

however, he's been unreliable with me and many others close to him- not checking in via email/text/chat, not replying to texts, not replying to emails. most of these emails/texts are time sensitive/pragmatic and task related and not just chatting.

i know i shouldn't take it personally, but i do.


my texts/emails have included reminders such as "please reply and let me know you've received this message" and still nothing. i've also specifically stated, "i feel hurt when you ignore my messages." he reassures me he values the friendship, yadda ya, but he is so flakey about following through with communication.

for example, i sent him some of his important papers he left here. i texted him at 8am this morning, "did your papers arrive in the mail? please reply" and no reply all day.

i contacted his case manager who said they arrived yesterday. there is NO excuse for this kind of rudeness other than being overwhelmed.

i know i need to be more understanding/compassionate.

please help me to understand how someone can value a friendship and not follow through with communication.

in the NT world, this would be considered a huge blow off and an indication the friendship is not in tact. it feels incredibly passive aggressive.

as an NT who tries not to tolerate abusive friends, i'm ready to cut this friend loose. i don't want to but i feel it would be best for me to drop all hopes he can reciprocate consideration.

we have plans for sunday and i imagine he will not even follow through with canceling them and will just leave me hanging.

thanks.

How long ago did he move out? At the university I attend, the semester only started two weeks ago. If his program is the same, you're right that he's likely very busy and overwhelmed right now. He's not being rude to you, he's just busy and exhausted.

You've got to understand, your friend is likely feeling very overwhelmed and tense right now, and sending him messages telling him how upset you are that he's not responding the way you think he should is only adding to the stress. I know you feel like you need to hear from him to feel loved and valued, but that kind of pressure doesn't make a person like your friend feel loved or valued -- it can make him feel just the opposite. I know when I get messages like that, I feel very stressed and crowded and I'm far more likely to avoid contacting the person than anything else (just ask my mother.)

Give him some time -- it will take more than you think he should need -- and space to get back on his feet, and you'll hear from him again. When you do, set up an appointment of some kind -- maybe set aside an hour every other Saturday night to talk on the phone or chat via IM. That way, you get the interaction you need and your friend knows that you aren't trying to overwhelm him. He'll appreciate that you are respecting his needs as well as your own.

Don't expect an answer to every email or text, though. Not every message requires a response.

Good luck, and regards,

Patricia

thanks so much for your replies. i know you're right. i wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from an NT friend but i have much more patience and understanding for him. we did finally talk today. he was in a pissy mood due to all the adjustment and requirements of his new life (he chose this but he feels he made a huge mistake). we agreed to get together tomorrow. he loves hot water/long showers so i'm going to treat him to an hour at the hot tubs/sauna place so he can have a mini vacation.

saw my friend three days ago. we had an amazing day. he said "i love you" twice to me and said he wished he didn't move out of the house. he was very sweet and affectionate and we left on good terms.
haven't heard from him now in 3 days-he's ignoring texts and emails from me and others.
regardless of his intention, it is still hurtful to others that he does not follow thru with communication...and is perceived as being dismissive/disrespectful.
how can all of us trying to reach him help him to understand that returning correspondence is ***really important*** and he needs to embrace this skill to succeed in the work , daily living and relationship arena?

thanks. but it's not just me. he's also ignoring folks who are waiting on him to process paperwork for applications for things...

well, this is odd. i hadn't talked to my friend since last sunday. today is thursday. i received some social security mail from him so i called him. i asked if i should mail it. he replied i should bring it with me when i meet him on sunday. i said, "we don't have plans for sunday. we haven't made plans." he said, "yes, we have plans for sunday." i replied, "no, we have not yet made any plans for any future hang out" and again he replied we do have plans for sunday.
i asked, "when were you planning to tell me about these plans we have?"
he said, "i just told you."

wtf?

he either assumed with had plans the whole time (i didn't know that) or he just assumes i have no life and i'm free whenever he chooses.