Self-Esteem Issues destroying friendship

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First I'd like to say that I've been friends with this person for nearly 2 years. We have hung out together, had fun doing stuff, and keep in touch fairly regularly.

Now, I also have a boyfriend, for the first time in a long time, and we have been seeing each other for nearly a year. The trouble is, I am starting to get really turned off by some of my friend's behavior. I don't know if she has changed, or I am picking up on her behavior for the first time.

First of all, she apologizes, excessively. I noticed it one day when we were ordering some lunch at a restaurant. She kept apologizing to the waitress, for "making" the waitress stand there while she made up her mind. The other night, my boyfriend and I arranged to meet her at a gathering where we'd be playing board games. She started off the evening by saying that my boyfriend and I were the truly smart ones, (she has this idea because we are both Aspies) and that she is stupid. All through the game, she kept apologizing for "taking long" when it was her turn to make a move. The self deprecating was making me wince, as well as feel very embarrassed for her. She also made a big deal about having dyslexia, and needing extra time to understand instructions. She seems to get into arguments with people fairly easily, too.

The worst part, was when my boyfriend made me laugh over his funny pronunciation of a word, and she immediately bristled and asked us to stop laughing at her! I was hurt that she thought I would sit there and laugh at her, with my boyfriend. I have never, ever done so. I am afraid that she has a very low self-esteem, and that I will grow increasingly uncomfortable in her company. To the point where I avoid her. I feel badly, because she has been a good friend. Plus, I am having a hard time balancing these two relationships. Has anyone else had something similar? If so, how did you handle it?

You need to tell your friend that she doesn't have to apologize about every since thing she does wrong. ( I have that habit myself and I am in the process of breaking it). I would also tell her that you need some alone time with your boyfriend but offer to spent some one-on-one time with her and tell her how you feel because you need to set boundaries. One of my friends is in a serious relationship and is now engaged and she had to set boundaries with me.

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I used to be really like your friend; I was so unsure of what was 'correct' behaviour or not, I would apologise over anything and everything just in case someone was offended. Try not to let your irritation show; she will pick up on it but it will ony make her feel she is doing somehting wrong and must apologise more.

I had to break the habit myself. Before that, the only one who tried to get me to stop was an instructor who told me that I 'wasn''t really sorry and that if I kept apologising he'd give me something to be sorry about!' (my response; "sorry") it didn't cure me, but it did highlight to me how often I used it and these days I force myself to think whether a situation deserves one or not. Perhaps if you told her straight out that she doesn't mess up half as much as she thinks it may be a relief for both of you.

One thing that did help was going abroad for a month. I was travelling through about 7 different countries and as I don't like speaking English abroad unless I have to, I tried to learn the words for 'sorry' in the local language. I couldn't pronounce let alone learn half of the words, but I felt worse if I said 'sorry' in English', so in the end I just learnt not to say sorry so much...

People like that are so annoying.

The whole laughing-at-a-word incident just shows how quickly people like that will all of a sudden turn on you and attack like a wounded animal.

It's just up to you to be compassionate and patient and understanding, you can't go around trying to change people. Either accept them for who they are or just don't spend so much time with them. The point of having friends is to enjoy their company. If you want to put up with people you don't even like out of obligation, that is what family is for.