Friend or Foe?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been diagnosed as mild bi-polar as a teen, but can identify with many more of the symptoms of AS.

When my colleague at work (the only person who I interact with these days besides my girlfriend) jokingly said I had Asperger's, I asked him "How do you know about Asperger's?" He sheepishly apologized for his mock diagnosis, but I took no offense... I actually find a weird solace in knowing some sort of explanation for my behavior (and why I am not like everyone around me).

However, I now feel as if I have been exposed, identified and labeled by him. My whole identity feels traumatized, and I feel like my co-worker is constantly questioning whether or not I do have AS. His demeanor is a lot different with me now, he has slowed down his speech and talks to me as if I am a child.

Just yesterday he questioned whether or not I really do have AS since he can identify that my perceptions on my encounters with people do not match his "wikipedia researched" definitions on AS. With that said though, this man is almost too smart for his own good - he outshines most of our C-Level executives at the company meetings with his brilliance and quick wit. He grabs concepts much faster than me, and I always feel at least 10 steps behind in our daily conversation. I am sure he is delving deeper into understanding AS and will quickly learn that there are different levels of each symptom per individual.

I now come to you all for advice on how to handle this person. My colleague is the closest thing I have to a friend, but I am afraid of "being me" around him... his intelligence is really that threatening. We work in sales and there is a competitive nature that reigns among our team. I've been socially naive all my life: 99% of the people in my life including relatives have all manipulated and taken advantage of me. I moved away from everyone I knew. However, at this point, I'm scared that my only friend has become my closest enemy as he now knows too much. Please help.

HI,

It's hard to say. The fact that he even has some knowledge of Asperger's would suggest that he takes an interest in people. I would think that was a good thing. He may want to understand you out of a genuine interest in you as a person. He may have a high regard for you.

Then again: I understand your concern. In your situation I would probably start wondering why he was so interested. Was there some ulterior motive? Was he trying to collect information to use against me? It would feel like an invasion of privacy. It is quite stressful for me when I do not have control over what another person thinks and unfortunately, I have NEVER had control over what other people think.

As I've gotten older, I've found that the best approach when I feel this way is to keep my mouth shut for a while, behave as if the person has the best of intentions, and watch what happens. Usually I discover that no one intended harm and by keeping a low profile, my tendency to over-react emotionally doesn't create a problem where there really wasn't one to begin with.

I think it is unlikely that your colleague is trying to undermine you or collect information against you. Most people just don't seem to plot and plan like super-villains, Maybe I'm just too trusting, but I assume most people are pretty decent. Do you think it would help if you were to write a letter or an e-mail to him explaining that you are neither slow nor broken; that you have different styles of interpersonal interaction and perception of the world and that you are pretty much like any other reasonably intelligent person? Perhaps you could encourage him to ignore the definition of AS and just assess you as a person just like anyone else. (Obviously this only applies if you feel you can trust him.)

Another approach may be to just wait it out. Annoying as it is, it might be simpler for you to behave as you normally would and figure at some point, he's going to realize he doesn't have to act differently around you.

A third approach might be to get a can of kerosene, douse his desk with it and light it on fire. Okay, that might be going just a little too far. I often amuse myself by envisioning an extreme overreaction on my part because it helps me to remind myself that I DO tend to over-react. I often think of these insanely over-the-top reactions and that some times puts everything into perspective and I can deal with the anxiety in a more balanced manner. I often have to use insane humor to keep myself a bit sane.

I hope this helps,

Lars

By the way, lest anyone get any funny ideas, the thing about the kerosene is a joke. Ha Ha! Funny!

Sorry. Started to envision people thinking this was really a good idea.

Okay. I'll shut up now.

Lars

I am relieved to see that we think exactly the same on this matter.

A lot of unnecessary fall-outs have happened in my life because of my over-reactions. Shutting up has been my "go to" move for me to blend in with people, and this will apparently be no different. The thing is, I do really trust this person, but I have been manipulated and taken advantage of SO MANY times by people in the past due to my social unawareness. Being that I've only known this person for about half a year, it looks like the best thing to do will be to act like nothing is different and to just try and let my mind rest.

I was actually laughing when I read the part on the kerosene, so no worries!