Too picky when it comes to making friends?

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personally, i can't stand people trying to approach me and wanting to make friends with me when i know we don't have any common ground. i think the main key in maintaining a friendship is when both parties share a thing or two in common.

let's just say there's this girl who wants to be friends with me. she's cheerful, pretty, outgoing & social (typical traits of an NT). i'm very much the opposite.
she's into Lady Gaga but i'm a Strokes fan. she's preppy looking and i'm Emo/Indie. those are deal-breakers to me. so, why should i bother being friends with her? a friendship with someone like that will never work.

is that being too picky or is that doing the right thing by using better judgment?

Last edited by ttqs84 on 06 Mar 2010, 5:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think that choosing your friends based on what style you've temporarily decided to adopt may be a tad short sighted.

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Last edited by ttqs84 on 06 Mar 2010, 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Basing things on looks and one interest is perhaps a bit picky. You never know if the person trying to be a friend has other interests.

Now, on the other hand, if the voice hurts your ears or there are indications that the person is mean spirited (ex. she/he is bad mouthing someone you both know without cause), these are reasons to not to want to make friends with people.

But these are my things about friends, everyone is different and has a right to be different.

Yes, you are too picky and you should rest less of your judgment on your first impressions.

Usually first impressions are wrong.

Moreover, having friends with completely different interests than you can be a good thing. Both parties have something new to learn and do together and it opens up the door for a completely different network of friends.

I'm not suggesting you to become her best friend, but at least become her acquaintance. You don't want to burn your bridges and regret not having her as a friend.

I hear you, I've never botherd with people who were too different from me, I just know it would never work. I too have avoided the upbeat, preppy girls. They show interest in me sometimes but I never capitalize on it. One reason I avoid them is also because of my shyness, that obviously makes a difference. Still, someday I am going to go out with a hot, teeny bopper girl for the hell of it because eventually I'm not going to care what happens and I'm just going to go with the flow. I have no plans on doing that right now but in the future I probably will. In the end though, I will fully admit that I am too picky but I am just too terrified to take a chance.

Last edited by Homer_Bob on 07 Mar 2010, 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

all that sounds deep for a guy your age. but seriously, there some bridges that need to get burned before you risk going on one when they'll break & fall. sometimes, first impressions can be right. i mean, could you even picture a feminist and a porn actress being friends/acquaintances? not me.
it may be a silly example but i want for you to distinguish the big difference on why it'll never work.

ttqs84, I agree that friendship is usually based on shared interests. One should be able to enjoy spending time with friends; that would be difficult if you have no common ground.

I'm not sure I'd insist on similar dress or personality. Dress is kind of a superficial thing; I dress differently from most of my friends. Friends with significantly different personalities can have interesting alternative viewpoints on a topic.

If there's no common ground, though, I agree a friendship won't likely work. Of course, that doesn't mean one should blow them off; it's better to be polite about turning them down.

Hey, I know something that you may have in common. You both follow trends. (We all do to an extent. I'm not making fun of you.) From xp, I kind of regret not knowing some people and I have learned that you don't have to be similar to be friends. My best friend and I are pretty much opposites (although we have some fundamental stuff in common.) Then again, you may never come to be close to this person, but you may have the opportunity to come close to another person, who you never thought you would.

What do preppy and emo have in common? They both are fashion-savvy, their music overlaps from time to time, and they are both embraced by youth. Also, these labels will mean nothing later. Really. Everyone may tell you this, but it's quite stupid after high school, unless you're pursuing a social frat or something. I mean, it all comes down to personality. You might find that you both like similar subjects or that you both have a common enemy (a teacher, an individual, or a horrible book). She may think you two have something in common, or she could just be a really friendly person. Extending the proverbial olive branch is a powerful thing.

Edit: oversimplified. I can't imagine a pornstar or a feminist being friends, if they're too stuck up. (The "pornstar" could be a really intelligent person with a huge libido, who enjoys being filmed. The feminist could be anyone. Again, all about personality.) You gotta do what you gotta do...

Of course, if there's nothing there, then it isn't. Over time, you will see.

I never said you should encumber yourself in a friendship with someone you don't want to, but just give the person a chance. Not in the sense that you have to develop a full friendship with you, but in the sense that you are kind of keeping the person in your back pocket just in case you need them later on.

If it's just based on asinine factors such as clothing and music, then that's a shallow and superficial way to assess somebody, but if there are true red flags, then that's something different.

Generally, based on my experiences, it seems that some of the people who seem very similar to me at first actually have sharp contrasting fundamental differences. And some of the people who seem very different at first, actually have a lot in common, so it depends.

Opposites do attract sometimes. My best friend and I have nothing in common except gossiping (I am comfortable gossiping with only her). I ask her frankly about NT stuff. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to adapt to an NT social circle. Sometimes you need a different person to take you mind off things.

Basing potential friends on how they dress is ridiculous, if you get along then what does it matter? You're missing out on alot of possible good friends that way.

i believe another deal-breaker for making friends opposite of you is when the friend introduces you to his/her other friends or family. just think of what their reactions will be: "hey guys, i'd like for you to meet my autistic friend!". how are they gonna take it? it's because of people like that who make us unapproachable.

Superficial common interests can only keep a friendship going for a few months at best.

In order to maintain a lasting friendship, you need to make friends with people who share similar values and goals in life. If a person feels that kind of connection with you, they are usually willing to comprimise when it comes to the superficial stuff (what movie to watch, what stores to look at when you go shopping).

It's much better to have a "different" friend that shares deeper similarities than to have a "similar" friend that shows major red flags when it comes to maturity and stability.

Eww Lady Gaga. I know a few people that like Lady Gaga and I'm like:
These same people like punk and hardcore so go figure.
I can understand not wanting to pursue friendship with someone into completely different music.
I used to like The Strokes so I wouldn't mind being friends with a fan. I think the rock/indie/punk/acoustic type of music fans can get along quite well.
I've met people that were into techno or rap and it wasn't going to work out.
I think people here need to understand that those really into their music will be very critical about any other type of music. I roll my eyes at my mum for liking Matchbox 20 and music like that.

The indie crowd is huge. Just look for other fans. My closest friends are You Am I fans, and while I'm not as obsessed I still can get along with those people. And I have met the band a few times. My other friends are the punkrock fans. I only hang around with indie/punk music fans. It's not like I did it on purpose, I just can only get along with them.

Personally, I'd say that common interests play a big part in potential friendships, but you never know! If you guys turn out to have similar opinions, religiously, politically or otherwise, you might just turn out to get along very well! Heck, even if you guys are happy with each other at least then it'll be worth a try!
You should be pretty excited that a girl has decided to pursue conversation with you. It's a sign that she's interested herself, and that's something that doesn't come around for a lot of us Aspies.

But with me, I get put off when someone is a smoker, drinker, or is a blue-tongued sailor (swears a lot), but if they treat me respectfully... and maybe have some common interests too, then I can overlook such qualities.