I figured out why "Friends" mistreat me

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Jesus, how embarrassing to even post this here.

It's obvious. When they started mistreating/ using me, I allowed them to out of desperation. They picked up on it and it became a habit for them. I don't understand why I didn't just be strong and back off, let them get the message they can't do that, but I kept associating with them. In a sense, it's my fault.

No I didn't figure it out. I knew it but didn't act on it.

It is true. During first contact with a person, they will probe their limits with you, unconsciously. Especially the lower-tier, denser people, who are closer to apes who learned to speak. There's a lot of those around. Yes, I'm judgemental.

If you fail to control your personal space, people will get into the habit of invading it because you let them. There's no way out of that. Once it's done, it's done. The only solution is to leave the old "friends" behind and start anew with new ones. Learning to control your territory and step on theirs when they step on yours.

Friendship is not friendship without mutual respect.

I don't know this for a fact since I'm not an NT, but it seems that part of NT's being social is having a hierarchy and involving their egos and having someone to be better than.

And this is why I have so few friends.

I've had this problem in the past, even with employers. I'd try to make my usefulness outweigh my awkwardness (to the point of being over burdened). I've reached the point where if someone can't deal with my awkwardness then they don't get the perks of my usefulness.

They'll invade me because I ... let(?) ... them??

But I don't let them!!
They quickly enough find out that I have no one around me who'll help me stop abusive behavior from my surroundings, and then the game is on.

No, I don't let them!!

Dammit, I've been sitting walled in at my apartment for months, not opening the door and not answering the phone, simply to stop this. And yet, when I begin to venture out ... taking a short walk to the store, f.ex. ... there they'll be.

I write "they". This has happened more than once in my life (I'm 50). It's usually one person who catches the scent of fair game and start stalking me. Obviously I get no help from the police either (been there, tried that, etc.). And such a single person will and can carry on with their abuse for years. The guy who's currently on me has been doing it ("it" here means rape, stalking, verbal abuse, ambushing, and more) for about 14 years as I write this. Two years prior to him another one did the same thing for about 5 years.

Believe me, I've stood my ground, said what needed being said, etc.. It just doesn't work when people find out that you're different - in that you don't read their social cues, which again leads to them overstepping your private boundaries, which again lead to them finding out quite practically that you also have no way of protecting yourself (because no one let's you actually stand on to your rights in thew state I live in).

So again: No, we don't necessarily "let them" do anything to us!!

It's a very common misconception that we sadly have been lead to believe in ourselves. However, it's another trap, another suppressive notion from our surroundings. Think about it! Of course we wouldn't let anyone step over our private boundaries if we had a choice!! Not even out of desperation, because we're not desperate about being abused! When we think we're "letting" others abuse us, really we aren't, but they're using the fact - that we don't always know what's us and what's the other person - against us with success; because if our inability to read their social cues are just our own fault, then we're fair game and should feel embarrassed.

And yes, we feel embarrassed as we "should". It's almost like pressing a button.

But I refuse to buy it! And I'm hereby acting against embarrassment that should be the abusers' and not the abusees'! So I proudly write about it here.

*******

Hang in there, guys!

And don't put yourselves down by believing that their abuse is your fault!!

*******

^L^,

Puzelle.

*******

Note: Let the abusers who read this become embarrassed!, and do know that you won't be able to keep your game up forever! You'll get to answer soon enough!! Our role as "autistic disordered" is on time limit; change is happening as you read, and our place as a personality variety - and one that is needed and a gift! - will be just as real to you in the future, as your abuse is to us now. See if you like the odds when that happens!

Guys,

Thank you for your support.

...And you're right: My situation is perhaps somewhat extreme.

But there really isn't much I can do about it. It has to do with the laws in this country. They don't allow people to defend themselves (it is actually against the law), and it's a well known fact that my country doesn't hone human rights (you have rights, on the paper, but in reality you only ask for trouble if you try to address anything to do with "you rights", 'citizen's rights' or 'human rights'. - I've even said more already than perhaps I should've).

*******

About the more common kind of abuse ...

As a kid I was stunned, frightened and didn't understand why people did what they did. I believed I was perhaps not worthy of their respect, so I blamed myself ... after having tried multiple times to argue with my surroundings that their ways were wrong, but never once really winning such an argument. It always ended with their usual notion: "She's weird, no one has to listen to her or even care if she may be right. Hit her/ignore her, if she opens her mouth again!".


As an adult - and especially in the latest years and after I have found out that I have Asperger's - which have let me understand myself better - I have tried a more "cold" approach, as I believe I've seen used by NTs around me.

The "cold" approach I'm speaking of is like what I see in this kind of attitude: "I know what you would do if I let you, but you'll not get a chance to be abusive, so shove it, pal!". - It's an attitude I've seen so many times in NTs, and when I was younger I even admired them for being able to do this and for ... apparently ... being able to tell when it is necessary to use it.
What I didn't realize was that they don't know when such an attitude fits an incoming behavior with anymore certainty than we do! The difference is that, opposite us, they don't worry about it!

- And they may be right in not worrying! The reason for this could be out into perspective by another observation I have made: When once in a while an NT has told me about how they feel hurt and sad because of how another NT has treated them, I've been surprised when a short while later the same person seem to have forgotten all about how hurt and sad they were ... well, not forgotten it, maybe, but these feelings don't stick with them the same way they do us.

An NT seem (to me, anyway) to get over hurt and sadness and fear a lot quicker than we aspies do.

And if this is actually how it is, I can also see why NTs don't feel the same unsettling worry about hurting others that we feel, and that I think often has us abstain from standing our ground. We're much more afraid to Show Someone a Cold Shoulder, or to do something that to us seem like the same thing as Showing Someone a Cold Shoulder. (1*)

So some of the answer to how we might protect ourselves better could be in understanding that we don't have to be so afraid of applying a certain insensitivity to our manners.
And another reason to do so could be this: If we can't protect ourselves, how then will we be able to share of what we have to give? How will we gain the respect that is so basic to mainstream society and which is closely related to how well you maintain strong boundaries between yourself and your surroundings.

Applying this "cold" attitude has only worked a few times for me; but when it worked, I came away feeling somewhat better about myself. I felt I had succeeded in protecting myself ... However, I also had a nagging feeling: "What if I hurt somebody? What if they never meant to be abusive, and now I shoved them off and frightened them the way I used to get frightened?"

I'm aware that a lot of questions arise in regard to this. It's a vast field in it's own regard. But maybe what I have said can help mark a beginning, a place to start?

*******

(1*) = This is an area where I'm confused by the way NTs perceive us:
They often express views such as "Aspies aren't as mature as others and they don't have capacity for deep empathy. They don't see the finer details and easily offend with inappropriate behavior or remarks".

To me it has always seemed somewhat opposite! I think aspies and people with autism are the sensitive ones.
But that's another topic.

*******

I hope some of what I've said make sense.
Maybe it can even inspire a few people. That would definitely be nice.

Whatever the case, good luck everybody! ^L^,

Puzelle.

Guys,

Thank you for your support.

...And you're right: My situation is perhaps somewhat extreme.

But there really isn't much I can do about it. It has to do with the laws in this country. They don't allow people to defend themselves (it is actually against the law), and it's a well known fact that my country doesn't hone human rights (you have rights, on the paper, but in reality you only ask for trouble if you try to address anything to do with "you rights", 'citizen's rights' or 'human rights'. - I've even said more already than perhaps I should've).

*******

About the more common kind of abuse ...

As a kid I was stunned, frightened and didn't understand why people did what they did. I believed I was perhaps not worthy of their respect, so I blamed myself ... after having tried multiple times to argue with my surroundings that their ways were wrong, but never once really winning such an argument. It always ended with their usual notion: "She's weird, no one has to listen to her or even care if she may be right. Hit her/ignore her, if she opens her mouth again!".


As an adult - and especially in the latest years and after I have found out that I have Asperger's - which have let me understand myself better - I have tried a more "cold" approach, as I believe I've seen used by NTs around me.

The "cold" approach I'm speaking of is like what I see in this kind of attitude: "I know what you would do if I let you, but you'll not get a chance to be abusive, so shove it, pal!". - It's an attitude I've seen so many times in NTs, and when I was younger I even admired them for being able to do this and for ... apparently ... being able to tell when it is necessary to use it.
What I didn't realize was that they don't know when such an attitude fits an incoming behavior with anymore certainty than we do! The difference is that, opposite us, they don't worry about it!

- And they may be right in not worrying! The reason for this could be out into perspective by another observation I have made: When once in a while an NT has told me about how they feel hurt and sad because of how another NT has treated them, I've been surprised when a short while later the same person seem to have forgotten all about how hurt and sad they were ... well, not forgotten it, maybe, but these feelings don't stick with them the same way they do us.

An NT seem (to me, anyway) to get over hurt and sadness and fear a lot quicker than we aspies do.

And if this is actually how it is, I can also see why NTs don't feel the same unsettling worry about hurting others that we feel, and that I think often has us abstain from standing our ground. We're much more afraid to Show Someone a Cold Shoulder, or to do something that to us seem like the same thing as Showing Someone a Cold Shoulder. (1*)

So some of the answer to how we might protect ourselves better could be in understanding that we don't have to be so afraid of applying a certain insensitivity to our manners.
And another reason to do so could be this: If we can't protect ourselves, how then will we be able to share of what we have to give? How will we gain the respect that is so basic to mainstream society and which is closely related to how well you maintain strong boundaries between yourself and your surroundings.

Applying this "cold" attitude has only worked a few times for me; but when it worked, I came away feeling somewhat better about myself. I felt I had succeeded in protecting myself ... However, I also had a nagging feeling: "What if I hurt somebody? What if they never meant to be abusive, and now I shoved them off and frightened them the way I used to get frightened?"

I'm aware that a lot of questions arise in regard to this. It's a vast field in it's own regard. But maybe what I have said can help mark a beginning, a place to start?

*******

(1*) = This is an area where I'm confused by the way NTs perceive us:
They often express views such as "Aspies aren't as mature as others and they don't have capacity for deep empathy. They don't see the finer details and easily offend with inappropriate behavior or remarks".

To me it has always seemed somewhat opposite! I think aspies and people with autism are the sensitive ones.
But that's another topic.

*******

I hope some of what I've said make sense.
Maybe it can even inspire a few people. That would definitely be nice.

Whatever the case, good luck everybody! ^L^,

Puzelle.

When I was a high school freshman, I started talking to a fellow musician in my grade. We seemed to hit it off pretty well. I remember hanging with him in one classroom listening to him telling me all about the story behind Pink Floyd recording "The Wall".
Suddenly, though, it seemed as if he had suddenly stopped liking me. It became impossible to engage him in conversation, when I would try to take his picture, as I had before, he would order me not to. He didn't even say "hi" to me in the halls anymore.
Well, I became angry. I never confronted him on why he changed, but I wrote an angry(and very poorly-written) song about him, I wished he'd have some accident and never be able to play music again, I openly bashed him in front of other kids(who all defended him, to my chagrin).
Junior year, we were both established musicians at school. This meant we wound up crossing paths again, having to play together(he was a guitarist, I'm a bassist). We never really interacted anymore, but we shared a mutual respect towards one another as musicians.
Years later, I see exactly why he "changed". I was following that guy around everywhere, trying to engage in conversation about the stupidest things, and with trying to take his picture after being so disgusted with me, I was completely hounding the poor guy! I was very presumptuous about the status of our "friendship". I never laid off the kid. And since NTs are so horribly uncomfortable telling us what we're doing wrong, I never knew until I looked back on it all.
And to think I'd directed all my rage toward him for "mistreating" me. He was trying to get a break from me!