I stressed out my friend

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I'm very attached to my room mate. Being around her soothes me, and cuddling with her is even better because it helps to block other things out. She smells nice and wears soft sweaters, and focusing on those things relaxes me.

She's also on the spectrum and my constant need to be calmed down and around her really stressed her out, but I didn't understand what I was doing wrong until she came out and told me. It's really hard for me to figure out how people feel about me, but whenever I ask her what she needs from me, she gets upset. She only gives me feedback when she's having a meltdown or is close to it.

I really didn't mean to upset her, I love her so much and feel awful about it, but I'm not sure how to treat her now. I don't want to upset her, but I am often under a lot of stress and stopping myself from being with her is a torment.

I had people wanting me to do things for them or take them places or listen to them all day long today and by the end of the day I was ready to scream. She may really just need her space. She might enjoy it if you just hang out and not talk. I kind of relate to her. It's like your brain stops processing things after a certain point and you just want to crawl in a dark quiet space.

What really confused me when she told me is that I didn't think my behavior was that socially demanding. A lot of the time I didn't want to talk to her, I just wanted to be around her. I'd talk to her because I thought it was being friendly. Sometimes I would just sit next to her or rest my head on her, and she would get mad. But I wanted to be with her because it felt quiet and safe.

Maybe she's not comfortable with being touched. It sounds like it's something that hard for her to express unless she's upset. You didn't say specifically that the two of you are in a relationship but if you aren't she may have some boundary issues. I know I do. I don't like people I'm not intimately attached to touching me in an intimate way, and I don't mean sexual when I use the term intimate. I feel invaded.

Our relationship isn't sexual. She's like my mom. I'm not sure how intensely she feels about me, but that's how I feel about her.

If you need to be around her maybe try not snuggling up to her or talking to her and just be in the same room doing your own thing. I think she just really needs her alone time to rejuvenate. There's no right or wrong in this I think, just different people need different things and sometimes those needs are mutually exclusive.

This is what my brother said to his wife: "I love you dearly but I have no idea what you want and I've tried and tried but I have no way of figuring it out. If you will tell me what I should be doing, I will move mountains to do it. but please don't ask me to know what to do because I really can't."

His wife was 6 months along with their first baby. She wasn't thrilled with having to ask, but they worked it out and they're happily married - and that baby is 39yo now and 2 children of his own.

What I'm trying to say here is that it seems similar to me - you don't know, maybe can't know, what's wrong. Ask her to speak up - don't blame her, but explain your situation and ask her to guide you.

I think needing to hold her or pet her was sort of like a stim. I'd go over and touch her sweater if I was upset; if she was withdrawn, I'd bother the cat instead. A half hour ago I was freaking out, on the verge of tears, but I decided to test my stim theory out, and tried shaking my leg and pacing. It actually worked to distract me and calm me down.