outside.

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do you ever feel that while other people have, relationships, friendships in their lives, you are just, watching from the sidelines?

Nah, no sidelines for me. It's more like freely giving up my seat to an event I never wanted to attend in the first place. No loss there. But that's just me. Sorry you're feeling sad.

yes.




...yes again.


i wish i could understand how my mind works.

I said "yes" because there is no "most of the time" option. -MaS

Nah. I just get on with my own life instead of watching.

I said "no", because I really am not interested in other people's social lives, and therefore am not watching from the sidelines. It's more like they are on television, but I don't even have the tv on.

I think I used to. Hard to judge what's in the past. Not now, though.

I voted for the last choice. Not that I feel that way. It's just it's closer than the others.

Yes and No. Its conflicting.

There are times when it feels that I don't have a life as full as perhaps it could be. And that everyone I supposedly share my life with have lives of their own and that I'm only marginally or accidentally part of and definitely not involved in their lives at all.

Other times, usually when things are focused, I'm comfortable and rounded.

I think that when I'm around other people I fracture out of myself, and it is this action that makes me feel as if I'm on the outsides looking in. When I'm inside and in control of myself I'm looking out at everyone and content.

I used to feel like a bystander a lot when I tried to surround myself with a more socially acceptable group, because I never really fit in, never understood what was going on there.

In situations where I understand what's going on, I try to take initiative and implement a structure. But that's for group work, either at school or on my own terms. With the people I spend time with, I rarely end up being a bystander, because we all happen to be at the same level. If I do, though, I try not to associate myself with those people anymore. What's the point if they're just going to do their own thing? I'll just do my own thing, too.

I was lucky once to find a group of "social misfits". We were a seemingly random group of people who bonded over our otherness in a social setting that didn't allow otherness. It was the first time I experienced what it was like to be part of a group.

From the perspective of that experience I feel that I was often the glue that brought people together and at the same time part of the periphery. They could have deeper relationships than I because they were capable of social interaction that I wasn't aware of, or wouldn't let myself experience. At the time my periphery wasn't something I noticed and it was bliss.

Since then I haven't found a group of like people and I do miss that feeling of community. At the same time, of course, I understand that the only way to find that sort of community is to be unendingly myself. Socializing is nothing more than an act of circumference. Ourselves nothing but a dot that moves around and through the sphere.

I love your signature. Today was a bad day, and your sig made me smile. Thank you.

It was said by Lotus Weinstein and quoted in Shortbus.

She also said, "Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind." Another favourite of mine.

hmm. interesting.

Yes...

and yes to this as well.

Yep.

Even among friends, I was often left out of activities and conversations. I think this is part of the reason why I'm not so keen on having friends these days.

But yes, I feel very much alone especially around people my age. Most of them are going out having a good time or with families. Even whilst sitting here in my trailer, I'm seeing adults and kids out walking together in the good weather.

I used to feel this way all the time. Over the years I've gotten better at learning how to interact with people, and I've put more effort in maintaining my friendships. I call and text my friends and instead of suggesting we hang out soon, I say "what are you doing right now?" or something, and make the initiative. It's taken me a long time to get more comfortable with it, but it's paid off. It's a self-feeding cycle; the more effort I put into friendships, the more my friends want to hang out with me, and are open about it, so the more comfortable I get putting effort in because I know they really do like me and aren't just being polite