Being pitied, and something of an introduction.

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Greetings!

The topic of this post is a question about assessing interaction with others, but it's also my first real post here & a little background is in order. I'll try to keep it short:

Probably not a unique experience around here, as a youth I would arrive at elementary school, enter the special needs classroom where I was placed with much more deeply challenged children, be counted by the teacher, and then walk down the street to the high school for my education, returning to the special needs class to finish the day. I made that walk alone, though in a school with <400 students that's not particularly surprising. I could go on but the core of it really is what many of you probably can relate to: everyone around me regarded me as having a bad enough handicap that they felt I belonged with the children who require full-time care, and in contrast "gifted" enough that if there was an academic award up for grabs I took it home fairly by my own merit without difficulty.

Very confusing for me and somehow I managed to adapt by being oblivious to the "elephant in the room" - i.e. I perceived myself as "normal" and merely more adept with information than others - despite what should have been obvious: if I'm consistently grouped with folks who have special needs, I must be demonstrating a need for that type of care and segregation.

That's it for background, now more than a decade out of school and more-or-less successful as an adult - I've been on autopilot this whole time, get job go to work, find girlfriend and wreck everything without knowing why, start over. Repeat. Begin to visit 2 psychologists and a therapist after some shopping around and bad experiences (with unsympathetic or coldly prescription-pushing doctors) and achieve liberating validation with a diagnosis.

Suddenly my history makes more sense, I have less to hate myself for, I'm happier, I no longer fixate on how to kill myself in front of a trauma ward so that my organs could be harvested & benefit others.

BUT... here's the meat of this post:

Looking back I can't tell which friendships, opportunities and interactions were genuine (I thought they all were at the time) and which were given to me out of pity. Some were obviously pity for the odd 'tarded kid... of course nobody flat out told me. From your experiences, what do you think the best strategies are for understanding and accepting pity from others in the past? I'm not angry at any of them for deceiving me, they had the best intentions in mind. It's just insulting when I don't feel like I deserve it, and it also means they didn't actually *like* me, they only felt a social obligation to help me. I'm at a loss to deal with any of this but it's a mental itch that needs scratching and I don't even know where to begin.. past, present, future, nothing. Any tips?

Cheers

Don't accept pity from people. Nobody needs to be pitied and it only serves to make the pitier feel better about themselves. Find people who accept who you are on your own terms and whom you in turn respect for who they are. I'm not sure it's possible to have rewarding long-term relationships with people who don't have a mutual respect for each other.

I generally avoid people who pity me because pity just plain sucks.

That I can agree with, pity is something I never want... never wanted. Just was (blissfully?) unaware for so long and never before made any attempts to become aware - you don't know what you don't know as they say. I'm learning now how to behave to avoid the wrong kind of attention, with good success so far I think - but can only be sure it's successful if I'm equally sure that peoples' interactions with me are genuine. Thank you for your insight, and any more I can learn from.

Some people like a little pity, because they feel like they are getting attention, but keep in mind, that when someone pities you, you are giving them power over you. The one who offers pity is saying, "My life is so much better than yours. I am sure there must be something I can do for you. The one who accepts pity is saying, "...and I am willing to lower myself. Throw me some crumbs."

I also agree with that...

but the 3-for-3 responses here tell me perhaps I didn't correctly describe the kind of advice I'm seeking.

To hopefully clear things up a bit, I'm asking for insight on how to identify genuine friendship (do want) and false friendship/assistance (do not want) - both present and past - in an effort to improve the side of me I share with the world and not draw pity from anyone any longer.

Thank you again, for sharing

A good sign is if they only talk to you about your problems and not, for example, stuff that's going on in their lives including their own problems.

Also, that there is give and take (that you both are equal). That you can talk about your important stuff (& other stuff) and that the other person shares their important stuff (& other stuff), another thing that can be a clue (but isn't always) is them remembering some of the things that are special to you.

I always did more work then the people I worked with in the resteraunt I once worked at. It was one of the things I prided myself with. Everytime the boss saw me doing something extra like cleaning, helping somemone lift heavy boxes, or helping someone finish something quicker he would get real animated and yell atta boy. Then everyone would have a little giggle. One day of of the waitresses brought their kid in with downsyndrome in while she got her check. He was showing the manager some magic tricks he learnt and the boss gave him the same atta boy he always gave me and no one else. So I said f' it that jerkoff pitys me like some backwards retarted kid. I started doing the same amount of work as everyone else doing extra work gets you mocked and laughed at. When the boss asked whats up I yelled atta boy and mocked his stupid animated gestures. Everybody within earshot just about s**t their pants laughing at him, He asked why I was not doing the same level of work as I use to do I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to work. Everyday I worked there brought me closer to becoming a full fledge hermit shunning all human contact..

That cracked me up.

That happens to be, quite a bit. I don't want pity. I want equality and acceptance.

I despise being pitied. I almost never tell neuro-typical people about having Asperger's (my family is informed) when I do tell others I receive blank stares or am put in a situation where they want to put me under their wing. I have very low expectations of people who are neuro-typical in being able to understand or even sympathize with having Asperger's.