polite invitations?

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I hope this question isn't a repeat but I can't seem to find a search function on here...

Any advice on how to know when to take an invitation seriously? Acquaintances are always saying "We should get together sometime" or "Come on by for a drink/coffee any time". How do you know if they mean it or are just being polite? Are you meant to wait a bit and give them a call or just smile politely and forget the whole thing? Presuming you actually want to spend time with them that is.

This is not a dating question, I mean this in the context of friendship. Serious question, this really baffles me and most of the time I end up just forgetting about it as I'm not sure whether or not I'm supposed to do something.

Any thoughts?

This is a tough one.

My aspie side never extends an invitation that should not be taken literally.

My NT side knows full well that NT's do this as part of their social chit chat and should not always be taken literally.

If this is a work or school situation - after work or class, extend an invitation yourself, say this:

"You mentioned a couple of times that you wouldn't mind doing coffee sometime - I would love an americano right now - care to join me?" They will either say yes or no.

If they never extend an invite or offer to join you - then they are probably just the "chit chat" type. Try not to judge them - it's just an NT quirk. Be friendly, but don't take them too seriously.

Hey there,

Whenever someone says that to me I often leave it up to the offerer to make the arrangements if they come to that. If I am offering, I mean it. I am just a bit flakey with remembering details or putting it into motion due to physical health issues.

If someone asks you for coffee or something, ask them when they would like to do it and should you call them or they call you. There is nothing wrong with specifics and only do it if you think you will enjoy yourself or strengthen ties within a network. Don't do it out of a feeling of duty.

Take care,

Mics

Even worse, I learned that there's another sort of social invitation that sounds serious and specific but sometimes isn't meant that way.

My downstairs neighbor invited me to her party. I thought that sounded pretty specific but then I didn't go because someone asked me if it was a real invitation or an insurance invitation. I asked what they meant and they said that people will often invite all their neighbors who are within earshot to their party because people are less likely to make a noise complaint if they are either at the party or have been flattered by being invited to the party, even if they didn't go. It's apparently some kind of social insurance and the party-thrower doesn't really want any of their neighbors to come but invites them so they don't get as offended by the noise.

Once I knew there was such a thing as an insurance invitation, I was afraid to go. My neighbor is half my age and I felt like even though we seem to get on well when we run into each other, I might feel really uncomfortable at a whole party of all her friends and not even know if she really wanted me to be there or just said it to appease me. :-(

Not that I enjoy parties -- I don't. But I would have shown up for a little while, say a half hour, to "put in an appearance" because I am trying to develop a friendship with her and it seemed like it would have sent a good message to have been seen at her party. But since I'm not really sure where I stand with her on the acquaintance-friend spectrum, and since I didn't know what kind of invitation it really was, I figured it would be better not to go.

Thanks for the replies!

Michhsta and CanadianRose, I think you are right to be direct and specific. I have done this a few times and it's worked out, but often I just don't want to feel silly if the other person just brushes it off.

Sparrowrose - yes I have heard of this! It's similar to when an entire group is invited out - for instance I attended a small college program and often got invitations along with everyone else - I often didn't go because I didn't know if I was being invited only because it would be rude to leave one person in the group out.

I am wondering about a few specific occurrences - one is an old coworker that I used to get along with very well. We talked often when we worked together, but it's been a year since we've been working together. Now, she sends messages asking me to get together every month or two - she always initiates and I always reply but it never actually happens. I wonder why she keeps sending the messages if she doesn't actually want to continue our friendship? I kind of want to start ignoring her but I just can't figure it out.

Another is a neighbour who I met by chance and said we should stop by sometime. He lives one street over so it's not like we really run into eachother. Maybe this is similar to the neighbour insurance invitation - being nice just because we might run into eachother? I am in a new town and want to get to know more people locally but don't know whether the invitation was sincere.

It is great to get feedback here. These are not the sort of things I could ask people in real life. Thanks again.

There is a girl I had a class with that is like this. We talk about getting together but it never happens. I have visited her house twice, though. Both times when she was giving something away on Freecycle and I was the first person to respond. The first time I had a car waiting for me so I couldn't stay but the second time (which was about two months ago) I stayed for many hours and had a great time talking to her and her girlfriend and, of course, when I was leaving she said we should get together more.

And she friended me on Facebook but neither of us has interacted there at all since that day! And everytime in the last five years (except for the two Freecycle times) that I have suggested getting together she's said it's a great idea and then it doesn't happen again. I can't figure it out, either.

Exactly! I think if I was always doing the initiating I would just leave it alone, but this person always sends me facebook messages saying that she misses hanging out with me and wants to get together. We've even gone so far as to set a date but then she always cancels. Like you and your friend, we have spent time together and enjoyed it, but now each time it always falls through. I hadn't heard from her in a while and basically assumed that our friendship had drifted apart but she just recently sent me another message. She suggested a few dates and I picked one, but then she said that she'd have to get back to me because something else might have come up. Why does she bother to send me messages if she doesn't really want to hang out?

Woah, woah, woah. People invite people only to be polite?

Unfortunately, yes. Seems kind of silly, doesn't it? It's really all about appearing nice and saving other people's feelings, but I find my feelings are more hurt if I don't know what's going on.

Really, I don't know how to make friends - all of my friendships have kind of happened by accident (or likely more accurately the other person initiated it). I find it easy to maintain a friendship, but how to start one eludes me.