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CrinklyCrustacean
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12 May 2010, 5:34 am

I'm the newest in my job (a bit over a month), and while I've been able to socialise with nearly everybody else, there is this one person I haven't. We'll call her N. Most of us spend our teabreaks and lunch breaks in the canteen space in the office, and thus there is a fair amount of chatter and opportunity to get to know one another. However, N is never in the canteen unless it's to get a cup of coffee or water, never initiates a conversation unless she needs something, and spends all her free time away from us. Oh, and she's only in two days a week anyway. She seems like a nice person, so what can I do to help get to know her?



auntblabby
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12 May 2010, 6:19 am

just try to be available to her in case she wants to talk. if she eats lunch ask if you can share a table? quiet folk have been known to become more effusive with time, to other quiet people. i am often one of those people.



Lene
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12 May 2010, 8:12 am

I think you should just smile and say 'hello' or 'how are you' when you see her. Don't force her into conversation; some introverted people like their own company, especially at lunchtimes.

You say she's capeable of asking when she needs something, so she'll probably join the lunchtable or canteen if she feels like it too, just don't pressurise her into it and welcome her if she does join.



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12 May 2010, 11:06 am

She sounds just like me. I behave exactly like that at work, if I can get away with it. If somebody insists on joining me for lunch, then my lunch is ruined. I need to be alone to recharge.



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12 May 2010, 6:30 pm

Claradoon wrote:
She sounds just like me. I behave exactly like that at work, if I can get away with it. If somebody insists on joining me for lunch, then my lunch is ruined. I need to be alone to recharge.


This. The description of that coworker might as well have described me exactly. I strongly dislike being "encouraged" to talk. If I want to talk, I will, and that's that. I just prefer to eat my lunch undisturbed reading my book, without unneccesary smalltalk or conversation.

Just let her be herself, she'll talk if she wants to. :)


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12 May 2010, 7:19 pm

As a very quiet person myself, the best chance of getting me to talk is to catch me when there aren't other people around. The fewer ears there are listening, the more willing I'll be to open my mouth. Maybe wait until you run into her in a situation where there isn't a large group of onlookers in the same room?



CrinklyCrustacean
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13 May 2010, 7:24 am

CleverKitten wrote:
I strongly dislike being "encouraged" to talk.

Of course I don't intend to force her to talk: that's just mean and I apologise for coming across that way - it wasn't meant. However, it's a very uncomfortable feeling when there's just one person whom you can't get to know in any way. It feels unfriendly to me. Maybe it's because at school I used to make a point of talking to the quiet/shy/left-out people. They were usually more interesting than the louder ones. My best friend (since I was 12 years old) is very quiet. Actually I'm not loud myself, but because of the people I've met since then I've crept out of my shell somewhat.
CleverKitten wrote:
Just let her be herself, she'll talk if she wants to. :)

Good things come to those who wait? :P :D



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17 May 2010, 1:53 pm

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
CleverKitten wrote:
I strongly dislike being "encouraged" to talk.

Of course I don't intend to force her to talk: that's just mean and I apologise for coming across that way - it wasn't meant. However, it's a very uncomfortable feeling when there's just one person whom you can't get to know in any way. It feels unfriendly to me. Maybe it's because at school I used to make a point of talking to the quiet/shy/left-out people. They were usually more interesting than the louder ones. My best friend (since I was 12 years old) is very quiet. Actually I'm not loud myself, but because of the people I've met since then I've crept out of my shell somewhat.
CleverKitten wrote:
Just let her be herself, she'll talk if she wants to. :)

Good things come to those who wait? :P :D


I apologize if I came across as somewhat harsh with that statement. I understand the uncomfortable feeling about having a mysterious person amongst more open people. You just wanna know what's inside their mind, like a reading a rare book.


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poopylungstuffing
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17 May 2010, 3:43 pm

I have (had) a situation where there was a girl working for me who it was impossible to communicate with, and what's more, she would talk to other people....It was very frustrating...because she was supposed to be my helper..and I am older than her and was sorta her boss and I have my own communication difficulties as well and there was a lot of friction between us even though I attempted conversing from time to time and used my clumsy social tactic of giving her stuff....and she was scared of me...and I was intimidated by her...and no good came of it...For my next assistant, I explained all of my communication difficulties to them up front before hiring them, and it has made things a whole lot easier...except she is very part-time..and I need more help than that....



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17 May 2010, 3:49 pm

I'd tell her that I'm free, if she wishes to talk to me.


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17 May 2010, 5:15 pm

I would try and get to know her and get to talk to her when you are on your break, maybe that might work for you? Start to get to know her and if the vibes are positive between each other, you can at this point exchange numbers and arrange a time to see her.

P.s: Try not to rush it, that doesn't always work when that happens. :lol:


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18 May 2010, 11:13 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
N never initiates a conversation unless she needs something, and spends all her free time away from us. Oh, and she's only in two days a week anyway. She seems like a nice person, so what can I do to help get to know her?

She sounds just like me, maybe we're colleagues :lol:
I thought only NTs could mind that someone doesn't talk, obviously I was wrong.
My colleagues used to complain that I was never talking, so now to please them I hang around them but still say pretty much nothing. That seems to be enough for them to stop poking fun at me.
I'm not sure N will appreciate a "forced" conversation. If she was willing to talk, she'd do it ;)



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20 May 2010, 3:17 pm

Sometimes, you just have to let the quiet ones be.


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CrinklyCrustacean
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03 Jun 2010, 5:08 am

Thanks for all the help. It turns out she's happy to talk as long as I am the one initiating the conversation. I do respect her quietness though. :D



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03 Jun 2010, 10:08 am

You sure? I've told people that when all I want is for them to leave me alone.



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03 Jun 2010, 11:42 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
I'm the newest in my job (a bit over a month), and while I've been able to socialise with nearly everybody else, there is this one person I haven't. We'll call her N. Most of us spend our teabreaks and lunch breaks in the canteen space in the office, and thus there is a fair amount of chatter and opportunity to get to know one another. However, N is never in the canteen unless it's to get a cup of coffee or water, never initiates a conversation unless she needs something, and spends all her free time away from us. Oh, and she's only in two days a week anyway. She seems like a nice person, so what can I do to help get to know her?


Sounds like how I tend to act.