Need adviceam I being used? Should I call this girl?

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daydreamer84
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30 Jun 2010, 9:39 pm

There is this girl in my advanced statistics course that I am taking this summer who was in my intro to research methods class last semester. Last semester she came up to me to ask for help with an assignment. I helped her, and she came up to me after class and talked to me every now and then for the rest of the semester. She asked for help a lot with course work and wanted to compare answers on our assignments for research methods. We took the same bus home and talked on the bus, but when it came to exchanging numbers and hanging out she seemed reluctant. I told her that I had done really well in intro to statistics (which we did not have together); I actually told her that I got the highest mark in the class on the final. When she found out that we would be taking advanced statistics together this semester, she got really exited. She then asked me to hang out with her (go out with her and her friends) but I said no, because I do not like going out with big groups of people who I don't know. I explained that to her. She wanted to hang out after stats class the first day and we did. She wanted to collect our assignments from RM. class, so we did. She did a lot worse than I did. She compared our answers to questions and was getting a bit angry that she had lost marks for this and that. I tried to offer explanations for why she could have lost marks and she got really mad at me for "defending the teacher". She has some mental health issues as well...she admits to having anxiety and I think she also has some anger issues). After that incident I decided to ignore her in the hopes that she would get the hint and leave me alone. I mind had suspected her of using me for help with work but didn't mind being used as her nerdy friend. However, after she got mad and yelled at me. I decided I did not want her in my life anymore.

Last class she came up to me and asked if I was pissed at her. She said she didn't want me to think she was using me. Then a couple minutes later (literally) she proceeded to ask me if she could pay me to tutor her in statistics because she wanted to be sure I didn't think she was using me. I said that sounded okay and asked her how many hours a week she wanted to meet. She said she only needed less than and hour right then to explain a few things. I said she didn't have to pay me for that. I explained a few things to her, and she kept offering me money (for that short time that I helped her. she offered me 20 bucks). She also kept reiterating that she was not using me. She offered me money to let her call me if she had questions. I said she didn't have to pay me for that either. This was yesterday morning, and she has already called me three times and left a message saying she needs help.

I am really bad at confronting people and telling them that I don't want to speak to them anymore, and at standing up for myself. However, her tone of voice when she said she wasn't "using me" and when she offered me money was a bit aggressive (I think), it almost felt like intimidation. That being said, I am not that great at discerning social cues, like tone of voice, and I may have mis-read her. Also, I do feel really bad for her because she tries really hard and does not do well in school...and as I said she has mental health issues. I also feel bad because she may have genuinely wanted to be my friend, (even if her motive for talking to me in the first place was to talk to the nerdy girl who will help her out). I cannot figure her out.

Am I a horrible person if I just ignore her? Am I a sucker if I do call her back and help her with stats? Our exam is on Tuesday (I should be studying), and I did say she could call. I would be breaking my word and letting someone down who needs help. On the other hand I have been used before and do not want to be used again. I also want her out of my life. What should I do?



Wuffles
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01 Jul 2010, 3:26 am

It sounds to me as if she's using you. You have no real friendship and all she wants to do is get help with the coursework.



daydreamer84
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01 Jul 2010, 3:00 pm

Yes...I do think you're right that she's using me. She was eventually honest about it though. I am going to help her for this exam because I gave her my word, and then be direct with her that I no longer want to tutor her.

I just find it somewhat depressing that the only time anyone ever speaks to me at school is because they see that I am a hard worker, (I answer questions in class), and they think I can help them. This has happened to me a few times before...with some other people who I really would have liked to be friends with. The people who have done this to me have always put on pretence of wanting to "hang out" or be friends. I don't understand why people do this...it must take a lot of effort. If they spend the same amount of time studying as they did trying to get nerdy classmates to be their friends that would obviously be much more productive.

The classmates at school that I wanted to befriend will always agree that we should exchange numbers (if I ask), but then will put it off and never get back to me. I find it very hard to see the ulterior motives these people have. I hate when people do this beacsue it gives me false hope that someone really wants to spend time with me. . Since I had a period of depression and left school, I am only now (at 25) going into my last year of uni, but still in 3 years and a bit (in terms of actual time spend in school) none of my classmates has wanted to be friends with me. It makes me think that I must be a pretty boring or obnoxious person.

Sorry for the rant....I am just frurstrated.



SaNcheNuSS
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01 Jul 2010, 8:42 pm

tell her that you will only help her with the exam if she gives you a little something in return.



nere-chan
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02 Jul 2010, 12:41 pm

Maybe she's using you or maybe she's usually aggresive, but I think you should kept your promise



CockneyRebel
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02 Jul 2010, 12:49 pm

It sounds like, she's using you.


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