How to make friends and understand why people don't like me

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So... how do you do it?

I was talking to a friend... one of my only friends who I haven't seen in months (I moved away three years ago). We were walking around, and she was telling me how I had, say, just annoyed that waiter, or insulted the person standing in line, or how some guy overheard us talking and looked at me with an amused expression on his face while two other gruffy looking guys were leering.

Funny thing is, I saw none of that. I don't tend to look people in the eye, let alone the face. SIDE NOTE: I wonder if blind people have trouble socializing... I bet they do, unless they are familiar with social conventions and can decode voice.

Well, this same friend also told me that when we first met, she hated me. For a year. I didn't know.

For a long time I didn't want to know why people didn't like me. I worried there would be something wrong with me, and THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!! !

I worry that if I change I will lose the person I am... I won't be refreshingly honest and direct, I'll get stuck trying to please some person I really don't like, I'll actually care about petty drama, etc. But I still have this problem... it's like everyone around me is manipulative and they prey on me, and I NEVER lie, NEVER cheat, pretty much leave people alone, and I get in trouble! I don't want to play their manipulative game, but I need some sort of solution.

Did you ever feel like you got punished for things you didn't do? I remember saying things and people taking them the wrong way. I would beg for their forgiveness, because having a group of people against me is one of my greatest fears, and they would only get angrier at me! I can't stand being falsely accused... I go CRAZY and then I get in trouble because people assume that if you're defensive, you're guilty! I don't understand the logic... if you did something and you got caught, why would you be angry at the person who caught you?

So, I'd like to understand WHY people dislike me, then I don't have to take it so personally, and HOW to make friends who will appreciate me the way I am.

People take things the wrong way although in relation to your post I have been called outright and directly from a close friend from High School that I was an embarrasment, if your looking for something that will last forever then I don't know what to suggest but carry on being yourself as I know it sounds clich'ed but if you conform and do so to say, lose who you are and your overall core being if you will then you will never know what might have been and what you could be. Its also funny like that how the ones closest to you are the ones most comfortable hurting you or is that just a pessimistic fabrication..anyway I don't know you as a person so I can't say exactly why people don't like you, from experience people treat life like one big talent show like Britains got talent for example, and will make thier minds up in regards to others based on trivial things that are not the substance of you as a person.

I tend to get upset when I get falsely accused or don't understand what someone is talking about. I was told by one person I get hostile and it makes it look like I am guilty. No I am just freaked out and I hate being wrong and falsely accused.
Maybe people get upset when they get caught because they are pissed they got caught and they are mad at themselves about it.

I quit caring that people don't like me. If they judge me or make false assumptions about me, they just don't know me. Same as if they think I am rude and uncaring. I also quit caring if they think I am ret*d because they don't know me. Once they know me, they would change their minds and see they were wrong about me but some people are too ignorant to change their minds. Those people aren't worth it then. I can even try and explain myself to them and my actions and what I meant and they can still refuse to listen, still not worth it then.

I have this rule of thumb, don't worry what some people think of you or what one person says to you. Only worry if the majority think it or half of them, then you know you have a problem and you need to change. So I try not to worry about what a person thinks of me and dwell on why they think this of me and worry about if I did something wrong to make that person think it. I tell myself it's just one person, it's not like everyone else says the same but I can't stop thinking if one person thinks it, how do I know more don't think it?

You can ask why they dislike you.

Practice being a good listener and try to hold your tongue. Few people admire straight shooters unless they have known you for a bit. I got fed up at not knowing how to start a conversation. So I went to the library and looked through a book called How To Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is OLD but has the basic recipe of conversation making. I still have to tell myself to look at the person who is talking but it has gotten easier. I try to look at social interaction as another skill to add to the many that aspies can acquire. It doesn't have to change you it just gives you social awareness when you are in that setting and turns off when your not.

I just don't understand WHY people find me so annoying... and even if I knew I would not want to change myself.

My friend talked about how she offered me a chair, and I said that I would stand. Later, she talked about "being the host" and "putting people at ease", which I don't get. But it's useful to know... that when someone is being overly eager to please they might not be doing it because they're "fake", they might actually be trying to be considerate. They might think that things like that matter to you.

She told me that tact was trying to figure out all the possible ways someone might take something, and making sure they took it the way you meant it. It sounds very strenuous and time consuming.

Basically, there is ME, and there is the way I am presented. I want to be ME, but I don't want people to keep misinterpreting my actions or motives. My friend told me about the meaning behind tact and courtesy, that it was a way to symbolize respect or something. Of course, I just assume that everyone is going to be respectful. Why do we need courtesies? But I sort of understand... when I don't show courtesies other people might think that I PURPOSEFULLY mean to disrespect them.

Have you ever felt like everyone thought you were a "bad" person?

A random example of my socialization from when I went to the supermarket,

server: "What can I get you?"
me: "Chocolate Cake."
server: "That's right, you just go for it."
me: "Yeah." (uncomfortably)

I was trying to be more "connected"... I wondered what he meant by "You just go for it". Was he saying that I asked directly? Was he commenting on the fact that I had no "guilt" about it, like other teenage girls? What was I supposed to say?

I felt like I could have made some joke about not needing his permission to get cake. I like jokes. Jokes have been good to me. Honesty is funny, and if it makes someone mad, then they can't take a joke.

[/quote]server: "What can I get you?"
me: "Chocolate Cake."
server: "That's right, you just go for it."


Wonder what was meant with those words? Anyway, the day I figure out why people find me annoying, and why do I tend to attract bullies everywhere I go, will be the day when I will start pondering on whether miracles exist or not.

I think it might have to do with being different and not hiding it.

There is a right and there is a wrong. And then there is the status quo. Sometimes these things line up, i.e. "murder". Other times they don't, i.e. "weird clothes", "off color jokes", "uncool interests". People who are not interested in uncovering the truth on their own through things like philosophy, education, or research will never learn to differentiate between the two.

So, when they see something weird or different, they will adhere to the status quo and treat it as wrong. There is nothing inherently WRONG with doing something in a way that's abnormal, but for some reason status quo adherents think there is.

I also think that other people (NTs) have a tendency to be kind of passive aggressive because they want people to like them. I was reading some book on how to socialize for girls, and of course it had all the wrong information for me. I remember this one quote, "You drop subtle hints. It works wonders with your girlfriends! But he doesn't get it." Basically, other people want to get their point across while not being blunt because they think that bluntness will offend others. So, they try to be subtle with you and of course you can't see it. Then they get mad because they're trying to say what they want to say as politely as possible and you aren't getting it. Then they explode.

NTs are in their own little double bind... say the truth, but don't offend people. Aspies only have to say the truth.

I think it might have to do with being different and not hiding it.

There is a right and there is a wrong. And then there is the status quo. Sometimes these things line up, i.e. "murder". Other times they don't, i.e. "weird clothes", "off color jokes", "uncool interests". People who are not interested in uncovering the truth on their own through things like philosophy, education, or research will never learn to differentiate between the two.

So, when they see something weird or different, they will adhere to the status quo and treat it as wrong. There is nothing inherently WRONG with doing something in a way that's abnormal, but for some reason status quo adherents think there is.

I also think that other people (NTs) have a tendency to be kind of passive aggressive because they want people to like them. I was reading some book on how to socialize for girls, and of course it had all the wrong information for me. I remember this one quote, "You drop subtle hints. It works wonders with your girlfriends! But he doesn't get it." Basically, other people want to get their point across while not being blunt because they think that bluntness will offend others. So, they try to be subtle with you and of course you can't see it. Then they get mad because they're trying to say what they want to say as politely as possible and you aren't getting it. Then they explode.

NTs are in their own little double bind... say the truth, but don't offend people. Aspies only have to say the truth.

That part scares me.

I had an ex who also said he didn't want to change but I didn't know he meant he will not change to accommodate me or be less annoying when he is around me or take responsibilities. So he kept teasing me and was hardly ever serious and it upset me and he didn't care because it was "who he is" and he expected me I'd get used to it and know after a while when he is joking. He also didn't want to change his ways by picking up after himself and be less lazy because he didn't want to work and he wanted his money all for himself, not use it on bills and food. He was also dependent on people and didn't want to do things for himself and he always found excuses to not do things like driving to work.

So since then when people say they will not change, I get skeptical of them and I try hard to not judge them based on my experience I had with someone who claimed he will not change and I totally misunderstood what he meant by change. I thought he meant his interests and what he wears and his opinions. Not how he treats people and him not learning to be independent and changing his behavior. I hope this is not what you mean by "I will not change." I wouldn't want to be around someone who can't show me respect and not respect my apartment just because it's "who they are." He would also argue with me if I didn't agree with him and he keep arguing until I agreed and it always pissed me off.




I used to invade personal space and I would get massive complaints about me at work and I didn't understand why I was being picked on. I thought maybe these people like to complain about housekeepers so I asked the other room attendants if they get complaints about them and they said they didn't get them. So I figured maybe they like complaining about people who pick up dirty linen which is what I was doing then. But then after a while I was starting to get sick of it and my boss kept telling me I needed to be courteous to the guests. I wasn't doing anything to them and I couldn't understand why they were saying I was being rude. Then I was being told i don't give them enough space and i thought if I wasn't, then wouldn't they ask me to back up or move aside. I was getting pissed off they were expecting me to read their minds and finally my mom told me I don't have a sign on me saying "I have Asperger's so I don't know when I am in your personal space." I asked her what my issues had to do with it and she said people with it don't understand personal space and I asked her how can I tell people's personal space if I can't read their minds and she told me most people's personal space is an arm length away so I need top stand that far away at least. She told me that rule applied everywhere except for on a crowded bus or train or elevator and then when it gets empty, you back away. So since then I have stood an arm length away or more and I used to hold my arm out to make sure i was far away from them enough and it did give me less complaints at work. So if I never changed that about myself, I would have still been suffering at work and maybe still with personal space.

You can't get people to stop misreading you when you do these sort of things. I don't know what you are doing like if you say the wrong things and refuse to not say it again in the future or if you invade personal space and also refuse to stand an arm length away or if you make annoying sounds or make people nervous with your pacing, etc.

So when people say they don't want to change, I get skeptical of them thinking they are one of those people such as my ex. But I hope they don't mean what I think they mean.



Oh yes. All the time.



I think he meant you get it yourself. I wouldn't dwell on it. Sounds like you are very self conscious about yourself thinking you did something wrong when you didn't or thinking there was a hidden meaning in the language when there isn't.

When I say that I don't want to change, I mean that I don't want to become one of those people who assumes that whatever the general population thinks of them is right. I don't want to lose my confidence and nerve... I don't want to be scared of confrontation like so many people and try to make everyone like me at the risk of my own personal happiness.

I have an inner message that I want to express. Depending on what it is, I might be willing to change the way I express it (in order to communicate more clearly), but NOT at the risk of losing the meaning of the original message. In some ways I love being blunt, because I don't have to waste any time. I want to keep all the good qualities about myself.

I don't like changing FOR other people. I hate it when other people order me to change, like I'm not good enough as I am. That's a big insecurity for me. I don't want to be someone I'm not just to make people like me. That's unfulfilling, and depressing. I want to just BE MYSELF, and be free to make changes as I see fit. If someone is worth it, I might make sacrifices for them. But on my own terms. I'm not going to change myself because a "popular" person told me I was not cool, or my dad said, "If you don't change, everyone will leave you. She'll see, she'll just get rejected SO many times, she'll have to change." They make it sound like the person I am is not enough, that I am just fundamentally BAD and INADEQUATE. No one will ever love me unless I change and become the person THEY want me to be.

I think that a part of REFUSAL to change (I had this for a while, and it was not good for me) is a fear that who you are is not good enough. So, you have to stick by yourself in order to prove that YOU believe in yourself. This carries over into little things, like singing in class ("NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!! !") which are inconsequential to greater identity, but become a proving ground that you are worth something.

This fear usually comes from parents and teachers who criticized the way you socialized. If you look at those "Autism Speaks" videos, they talk about how autism destroys families. I've read some of the blogs of parents of kids with autism. They talk about them like they're problems that need to be fixed... I felt this way for a very long time. I haven't ever been diagnosed with Aspergers, but I know that if I did have it I would be high functioning.

I mean, isn't the pain that the CHILD goes through enough? Why do the parents have to act like they're going through some hell and it's their child's fault? My mom is very socially minded... one time my dad said she came home crying because my teacher had said I should be home schooled. Guess who's "fault" it was? Teachers would get upset because I got up in the middle of class... or I wanted to sit on the floor. Then I would get yelled at. I didn't do anything, but my parents acted like I was responsible for making their life some living hell. Like I was a problem that needed to be fixed.

Now of course I wasn't going to just give in. "Oh, yes, you're right, I AM a horrible person. I'll change right now." Changing for others feels like betraying myself.

Really very right said....I liked everyones views....Thanks for discussing this with me..

I understand what you're saying, Qwerty123, but I also see how this may cause problems for you when or if you want to socialize. I have a female friend with AS, and she's struggling to combine her desire to be herself in all ways with her wish to make friends. It's not easy for her. She's extremely blunt and can very often offend those around her, but at the same time she complains about people not wanting to become her friend, and she takes great offense if people tell her that it's because of her bluntness. "Why can't people just take the truth? Why are they so easily offended?" she wonders. She can't understand that for most NTs it is almost impossible to enjoy socializing with people who in fact offend them - even if they don't mean to do so. Keep on being yourself, and hold on to your sense of confidence that you're all right. However, if you want to make friends, some things may have to change in how you relate to them.

Making and maintaining friends requires compromise and accomodation. That's just as true for NTs as anybody. Every person has to decide if and how they will accomodate the feelings of others if they want people to enjoy their company. You don't have to adjust your behavior but people don't have to like you either.

It sounds as if you do want to have more friends so I will offer a little advice about how to change without loosing yourself. Don't try to tackle every issue at once. Pick one behavior that you know is getting in the way of having friends and focus on ways to either change it or help people accept it. If making eye contact is absolutely bad for you, then don't do it, but find a ways to help other people understand it in different situations. Don't try to act like an NT, but try to find ways to help other people understand the *real* you better.

If you are offending people without meaning to then they are probably not understanding the real you. If you are coming off as gruff when you don't feel gruff you feel factual you might want to practice some key phrases that help people understand your true intent, or you might need to learn when to withold your opinion for the sake of someone else's feelings. It's hardly fair to expect someone to like you if you hurt their feelings often. I'm not advocating that you change your opinion or lie about your opinion, but you can withold it or try to say it more gently.

It's absolutely your right to keep your behavior just as it is, but it is just as absolutely the right of people to like or dislike you.

I finally realized that we are different from them. The NT's can never really understand us, it is impossible for them to understand us because we are more advanced than they are. Our brains are working on a completely different level and they are just negative beings that always find fault with everything. It doesn't matter if THEY dislike you, because WE understand you and we accept you.

If we can accept NT's why can't they accept us?
NTs are impatient and quick to judge us especially younger people.
Is there something wrong with us? No
We are just different. history shows being different means your life is going to be extremely more difficult.
I have no friends and while it would be nice to have some I don't expect to ever have any.
I also don't think you can make someone fantastic socially through education.

We accept NT's because we pity them in a way. We are more evolved and kind of have to tolerate them because there are more of them incarnated here currently. There were more of us during the time of Atlantis, however and there are more of us arriving on this planet now. Anyways, without trying to sound arrogant, humans or NT's are inferior to people with Autism and Aspergers, so there is naturally some resistance to us coming here. It is like if an extremely wealthy person came to eat dinner on the side of the road with a bunch of homeless people. The homeless people would obviously feel insecure and they would immediately resort to gang mentality and treat the wealthy person with disrespect.