topics of conversations...I still don't get why I am wrong

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I know way too many people where I live. It is a small apartment complex and the setup is such that is almost like a commune.
So, needless to say, I have gotten in trouble with people. Here is my big issue.

Here are things that "NTs" have said to me during conversations, in front of others, etc...
1. cook for your husband more
2. be nicer to your husband
3. wear make-up for your husband
4. dress nicer for your husband
5. don't homeschool your kid, send him to private school (costs 25K PER YEAR here)
6. you look like you're pregnant
7. such and such said "x" about you
8. such and such said "x" about "y" person

My response has been usually to just say nothing and smile. I thought that is what was expected. Until of course, I got sick of the constant put downs, so I told most of them to mind their own darn business.

Meanwhile, many of those same people have admitted to me the following:
1. I married my husband ONLY for money
2. I allowed my son to beat up my grandson in my house (5yr old) to the point of bruises and blood in his face
3. I beat up my wife or my husband beat me up (I ended up with a black eye)
4. My wife is constantly demanding more money from me while she does NOTHING
5. I know there are thousands of stray dogs in the island, but I can make money breeding my dog and oh well, too bad for the thousands of strays out there

So of course, at this point, if they say some BS to me, I slap back with "ah, you worry about my make-up but you beat up your wife?" etc...

And of course, I am the biggest witch on earth...they now say "no wonder you have no friends"...WTH? I NEVER criticize ANYONE unless they constantly harrass me...and when I do, with what to me are VERY VALID and MORALLY wrong things, I am a witch? I am truly worn out.

I just don't know what to say or do anymore. By the way, if I stay in my apartment all day and DON'T socialize with them, eventually they come looking for me and telling me that I am crazy to be locked up all the time...WTH?

I really wish there was a place where I could find help with these social skills, but honestly, I also feel that if not being a liar and standing up for my rights or defenseless creatures rights makes me socially bad, then I don't want any of these nuts in my life.

Sounds like you’re surrounded by some messed up individuals, you have my sympathies.

Incidentally, how does your husband feel about all this?

You're not in the wrong at all, and it sounds like you need to find some better company. I'm sorry if they are your friends, but these are obviously some messed up individuals. I'm sorry you have to tolerate them.

Why do you live with such horrible people? If I were you, I'd get out of there as fast as I possibly could.

Thanks for the reassurance.

I don't have much choice right now. Because my son is homeschooled, we also chose this specific place because it is open and he can socialize a lot with other kids. He normally does pretty well and they are mostly nice to him. It has really helped him to be more social.

On the other hand, it is hell for me. I have tried staying in my apartment and just not going out, but then they come knocking on my door (sliding glass door that faces the center sidewalk of the complex) to see why I am "locked up". I feel like I just can't freaking win. If it weren't for my son, I would have left a long time ago, but if we move anywhere else here, he will literally be inside a house or apartment all day, as it is not really safe to be playing in the streets, etc...

About my husband, well, we actually had MANY issues a couple of years ago because of it. He is NT and normally has lots of friends. At the beginning he would just smile and say nothing...it caused lots of arguments between us, as I would tell him that by him not saying anything, it was giving these idiots the green light to continue their harassment. He finally understood and started standing up to some of them, but at the same time, sometimes he just says to ignore them. I think he has now seen how unfair it all is and how it is a constant bullying that I have to take just to keep the peace...but of course, when he stays away, then they ALSO start coming to ask for him and will even say that "he's not going out because I won't let him"...which starts everything all over again.

$#%#Q$ck, I have to say, I know I need to get out of here. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have many options that are good for my son...but I thank all you because now I feel a bit better that really, they are in the wrong, not me. So I can have some peace just keeping to myself and telling them to take a hike when they cross the line.

I'm sorry but I laughed OUT LOUD at this one (my son even questioned).
Good for you!! ! Sometimes, that is EXACTLY what we need to say.

In your situation, it's not about social skills at all. I question your apartment complex. Sounds like a lot of sketchy people living there. I feel for you if they are your only social outlet. My advice is to seek it elsewhere, somehow. That should be a new post for you. Just be careful what you say though because you don't want to get physically assaulted by saying something to the wrong guy.

Unbelievable.

Kill with kindness. Say something like, "Honestly, I don't like involving myself in gossip." Walk away. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. They will gossip about you too because that's what they do - gossip. As far as letting themselves into your place or knocking - don't answer. Lock your sliding door.

Sounds like a messed up environment you're in.

Would your husband stand there with a smile and "just ignore them" if they told him the things that they tell you?

Eg:

"Take your wife to live in a more normal place".
"You should earn more for your wife".
"You should be more understanding of your wife's needs."
"You should be nicer to your wife."

Sounds like deep inside you may agree with the double-standard and therefore stopping it doesn't come natural to you. Maybe something unfortunately learnt in childhood...

I think I'm with the other replies: it does not seem that your neighbors are paragons of accepted behavior themselves.

I second the kill-them-with-kindness suggestion, better known as "reply with honey with the slightest hint of urine"

You're not in the wrong. You appear to be surrounded by sh***y people.

Thanks again to all. I agree about the "kill with kindness", sadly, sometimes it's just not enough.
At this point, I have pretty much closed up my apartment again as I did before. Unfortunately, again because my son likes to ride his bike around the complex, brings his little friends over, etc. I cannot just close everything up, as I need to also be able to watch my kiddo in the neighborhood.

Moondust, you are correct that he would probably flip. Actually, although we are both from the same country, I was raised in the US which also means that I think very differently than the people here. I have worked for a living most of my life, ie. since I was 14 and only 2 years had my husband "support me". The rest of the time, I supported myself fully (I made close to what he made and many years, even more), so in our home, we actually are pretty equal and treat each other as such. Most women here do not work and spend money like crazy with the idea that men are supposed to support their wives. Of course they do more than me and the men "less" than my husband does at home, but that is only because they don't work and their husbands do.

I have noticed that these issues are not so great with women who actually work and make equal income to their husbands. So I think in a way it is related to what you state...

PS - I don't keep my mouth shut because I agree with them, but rather because what I really want to do is tell them to#$% themselves and then I'd be even more harassed!

I wonder how their husbands would react if you put down their wives. I may be wrong, but I think the problem starts with your husband.

Moodust, you know? I had the SAME conversation with him quite a while ago. I told him EXACTLY what you said (not because you said it lol, but about a year ago). Although I do AGREE 100% that HE should have stood up for me and told them ALL off, I also know that some of these people, actually, yes, some of them, are FRIENDS OF MY PARENTS from many years ago...sick, huh? Funny, they claim they used to "defend me from my abusive parents" and yet see NOTHING wrong with some of the things they say. But I do agree with you there.

The reason we perpetuate and re-create our abusive childhood environment is that we fail to be weirded out by it, because it's well-known to us. The only way out is to develop a deep conviction that you deserve better, that you don't require patronizing to survive in life, and that people acting this way are not acting in your interest but theirs. Then you'll naturally take all the courses of action that will get you out of this toxic situation.

That is so true. When I was a kid I went to some assembly with my mom. The speaker asked everyone there to raise their hand if they lived in a dysfunctional family. I was really surprised when my mother told me to raise my hand; I thought that what I was living through was normal. She assured me it wasn’t and it changed my whole perspective on life.