Guy asked me out for a drink - He is gay, I'm not

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Hello People,

I want to sincerly ask for advice how to handle this following situation, since it definitely exceeds my abilities.

Here it is: I have taken a course and met a couple of people through it, among them this very nice guy named Jay. We have talked some during the course, and my third impression on him was that he was behaving queer.

I met him again coincidentally in the cafeteria the other day and he asked if I want to go for a drink with him, just that he did not put it that way but used a queer expression (in my native language). We exchanged email adresses. Thinking about it later I really wanted to know what I was up to and looked him up on facebook. Yes, he doesn't make a secret out of it, he is gay.

Now I just received an email with a concrete suggestion to meet for a drink.

This is where I am at, and where the problems for me start. The main question would be, and it takes me quite some courage to ask this: Am I being asked out on a date?

Naturally I can't tell how many hints he dropped that I should have perceived but have not.
Am I (in the for me worst case) by meeting him for a drink suggesting that I am also gay, and additionally have interest? (which I am not)
How can I come out of this situation, not being offensive and not having to lie with a possibilty for friendship remaining? (I don't have that many friends, you know)

If you think you can answer any of these question I would really like to hear opinion.

Thank you all.

I'd just go, have a drink and talk. Just because a guy is gay doesn't mean he can't be just friends with a guy.

Ughh.........


Most likely he has no idea of what AS is.

Chronic singleness imposed by asperger syndrome will frequently get men afflicted by it the assumption that they are gay, especially if they are not otherwise repulsive.

I have been accused several times of being a homosexual, when I'm straight as an arrow.

I would start thinking right now of how to explain AS and be prepared to do so immediately if he makes any moves on you.

Wow, I've been accused of being straight and I'm as gay as Christmas morning.

...and I go out with straight guys all the time. I have very few gay friends... I have very few friends at all, actually.

I get accused of being a lesbian all the time myself. So I just generally make it clear to my friends verbally right from the start that I am not interested in anyone of either gender period (their would need to be very special circumstances for that to change). But I'd just go have the drink with the guy. If this is just at a regular bar or local diner or something simple, dress casual like you would to meet a (group of) friend(s). Unless he asked you to meet him for dinner or to somewhere that's not just a casual environment, he probably just wants to get to know you. This may mean he's not sure if your an option for him or not, so if he approaches you asking if you'd be interested in anything more than friendship just give a clear, gentle yet firm no. If he asks what your sexuality/interests are, just be honest and it should become apparent that you two can only have a friendship. Either way, you'll be fine if your honest and relaxed. If he's only looking for a love interest he should back off, other wise you could just make a friend .

I know plenty of lesbians and at least one gay guy and a few bi people who are friends with straight people. It's really no big deal .

Just close your eyes and pretend...

I think you should show him that same honesty he has shown you and tell him that you are not gay. Then offer to go with him for that drink. Gays can make good friends.

Aspies have a tendency to pop out on gay guy's GAYDAR. I was told it has to do with your lack of eye contact with girls. Anyhow, it would be wrong to go for the drink with him thinking you're gay. That could piss him off. You don't need him as an enemy.

thank you n4mwd, Peko and molecular_biologist.

I actually initially shared n4mwd's opinion but thanks to your input I will think it over again.


to Willard and Laz:

you are very funny. You might possibly argue that I brought your mockery down on myself, I don't see how though. Maybe you can enlighten me in that way. Although I really don't have better things to do but at the very least I don't want to waste the time of the people who try answer seriously and want help. So please know that I am very serious about this. Also know, that your comments have made my day significantly worse. I didn't see this comming, at least not in this forum (which I have been reading for over a year now).

I am thinking Jays gaydar detected something from you Fern

Take it easy. While Laz's oh so colorful response was a bit over the top and uncalled for, neither of them meant to be mean spirited. They were just razzing a little, that's all. They meant nothing against you, just making light of the situation.

Anyways, yeah as n4mwd said, make sure he knows it's platonic beforehand (if he's openly gay, it's an open invitation to set some boundaries). Keep it to drinks though, if he asks you to come back to his place after, politely decline until you get to know him better. Otherwise, have fun. Nothing wrong with throwing back a few brews with a platonic gay friend.

hey Brandon_M, thanks for your opinion, I think it's very well said.

While they certainly meant nothing against me, I think they could have just not posted. This is hard enough for me, asking opinions of strangers on the internet, additionally the whole asperger's thing... I don't need them to make this extra hard. It's just that I strangely expected differently from people, you know, like me. I would love to take it easy or relax, when talking to other people in general really, but I don't have to tell you that it's not that easy, right?

to Friskeygirl:

what are you implying? I don't think I understand.

I'd go and if he makes ANY moves, tell him that I'm not interested. I get accused of being a gay here and then too, especially now that I used to wear shorts at my workplace in the last few days - we have a dress code to wear trousers, but it was just too hot -, so they saw my shaved legs - I'm a cyclist, but most of them knows nothing about me and they were surprised. And I wear pink shirts sometimes so now they were even more suspicious. But actually I'm straight, had nothing to do with guys in my entire life.

But I had not one girl in my life (friends mostly) who told me they thought I'm a gay, because I was just talking too normal to them, not like most guys do talk to a girl. So they were surprised.

I was once also asked for a date from a guy when I was in the college. I told him I'm not gay, and we just laughed at the thing but had no problems with that afterward. I had met many gay and lesbian ppl in my life, and afterall I'd say those were much smoother relationships than what I had with straight ppl.

I just go out and have a drink with the guy i mean yeah he may have misunderstood your saying yes as saying that your also gay but when you get there just tell him that your not into that stuff but you could still be freinds... unless your feeling lonely of course

Dude, you have made a humongous mountain out of a molehill. I thought rednecks were homophobic, but this is ridiculous. I was just joking, but your overreaction to the whole situation makes me think Friskeygirl is onto something. Maybe you're afraid if the guy comes on to you, you won't be able to say 'Nah, I'm straight' and the next thing you know, you'll be doing gay stuff and LIKING IT! Frankly, the world wouldn't end if you did.

Why don't you just assume the guy is a human being first, and quit worrying about his (or your) sexuality until and unless it comes up? Sorry, poor turn of phrase.

Personally, I think you're psyching yourself out by even thinking of the whole situation as a possible 'date'. You're meeting a friend, period. If, at any point that friend ever says to you "Hey, you want a BJ?" All you have to do is smile and reply: "Not unless you have a vagina." Unless he happens to have a rubber one in his pocket, you're golden. No harm, no foul.

My take on this was similar, but I'm working from a gay point of view.

Analogy: Let;s say that a known drug dealer only asks to borrow your lighter. No problem in just saying "yeah, sure." But let's say he asks you to take a package across town for him in exchange for some cash. You know that he is a dealer, but you don't know what's in the package. Now, your common sense would tell you that the answer should be "no", and you would immediately respond with that answer. What you would NOT do is gather a large group of strangers together to ask them if this was a good idea or not, UNLESS you were looking for someone to give you permission and a blessing. You wouldn't tell everyone about it if you thought it were wrong.

If you were sure it was just a matter of going out for a drink, you would just say "yes" and not tell the universe that you were going out with a gay man. But, no, you are asking permission for gay sex. I'll give you permission. Go for it.